Is husband overreacting, regarding stepson? (dating, wife, girlfriends, marriage)
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I'm 26 and my husband is 42. We've been married for 5 years. He has a son and daughter from a previous marriage ages 17 and 21. His son lives with us.
Last fall his son told me that he has been seeing a man in his late twenties since earlier that year (making him 16 at the time). They've slept together. I was shocked by the age difference but also because stepson had never shown an interest in the same sex before. He went through many girlfriends and currently had one. We talked about it and I told him that he would have to end it because there is no way his dad would be okay with the age difference, considering stepson was still in school. If he didn't end it now I would have to tell his dad. He was annoyed but I managed to convince him to give me the man's number and I called him up and told him to back off and never contact again. I decided not to mention it to my husband because if stepson was unsure about his sexuality then I didn't want to force him into admitting something he wasn't ready to. I told him to figure out what he wants and stop stringing his girlfriend along. I thought I handled it pretty well.
Then a few months ago it came up again and stepson told me that he was still in contact with the man and is sorry for lying but he thinks it is serious, he loves him, and has broken up with his girlfriend. I was angry and went and told his dad straight away. There was a lot of yelling and arguing. My husband, in a rage, went through his son's phone, laptop, computer, reading texts and messages and emails because he was worried the man might be a creep. He went as far as visiting the man's social media accs, via my stepson's, and posting about it on there, telling his friends, family, co workers. I told him not to go overboard and harass the man. My husband ended up getting in contact with him and the man apologized and agreed to stay away from stepson and never contact again.
After that husband told me he needed some space because he had some things to think about. So I gave him some space, to cool down, but when a week turned into another week, and another, I told him that if he has a problem we should talk about it and he should stop being so childish (he was going out of his way to avoid me, giving one word answers when I spoke to him). He told me that he will never forgive me for keeping something so serious from him that regards his kids. I explained what happened, that I put an end to it straight away, but it wasn't my fault that his son went behind my back and lied about it. He said he doesn't trust me anymore and has changed his mind about having kids of our own (we were planning to) because he thinks I'm immature and unfit to be a mom. I told him if he was a better dad then his son wouldn't have come to me to talk about it, and he wouldn't go to older men for attention. I didn't mean it, it got to the point we were just saying things in anger.
That was a month or more ago. We don't talk much now and keep to ourselves. We sleep in different rooms. Feels like we're strangers living together. I tried apologizing to him but he said he wants to prioritize his kids from now on. I can understand that but his son is pretty much an adult, and his daughter is 21.. What more can he do?? I feel like I was in the wrong for keeping a secret from him but it doesn't seem to warrant breaking up our 5 year marriage over. He told me recently that he is in touch with his ex wife again (his kids mom). I wonder if he has been for a while and is just using this as an excuse to break up with me. I don't know for sure if we're separating but it feels like I'm waiting around to find out. I don't want to separate, of course. I'm worried that if I give him an ultimatum then it will push him over the edge and we'll definitely break up. Is there anything I can do to defuse the situation or is it a lost cause? Is he overreacting or has a right to be so angry?
This should probably be in the relationship forum and not parenting as your question is about your husband.
I think he's right to be angry at you. While your step-son, who is closer to your age than your husband, confided in you and you might have felt a need to keep that confidence, he was involved with a man considerably older. It had the potential to be a dangerous situation for the step-son. Depending on your state, it might be considered statutory rape.
Instead of threatening to call the man yourself you should have given your step-son a choice: either he speaks with his father within a week or you will. This is a fundamental truth about the son that the father needs to know. And you didn't end it.
Your first obligation should have been to your husband. You knew something that could potentially harm his son and didn't tell him. In some way you violated his trust in you. It's not about the fact that it was a man. It's about a much older adult possibly taking advantage of a young person. My husband and I had an agreement that our first commitment was to each other. As much as we love our children our original commitment to each other had to come first. There were no big, important secrets they could share with us that we would not share with each other.
I'm sorry, but if you don't really understand what a big deal this is, your husband is right. You're not ready to be a parent. BTW-Turning 18 might legally make one an "adult," but I hate that phrase, "almost an adult." It's as if the passing of a single day magically makes one an adult. It doesn't work that way.
Finally, of course he's in touch with his ex-wife. She is the mother of the young man. I'm sure they have a lot to talk about concerning the son.
I would be incredibly pissed if my spouse knew something major about my child, something that affected his well-being to this extent, and chose not to tell me.
It seems he has all the power in this relationship, if you are not okay with that then you may want to look elsewhere sooner rather than later as later you may regret it more.
About your step son, I think you handled it pretty well at the start. it's easy to say, yea you could have done more. but really were there no signs? no follow up talk?
your stepson didn't confide with his dad because he knew what would happen. that's not an open door relationship. as a parent i would want my child to trust me, that she can tell me anything.
Youre definitely wrong here. I dont know where you are but it could also have been illegal. A 16 year old in a relationship with someone in their late 20s? Bad. I mean i guess you may not see the issue since you were 21 when you married a 37 year old. But a 16 year old "almost adult" is actually still a child. And he was dating someone your age or older. You may be ready for a baby but you arent ready for teenagers as step children.
He is righteous in his anger and you handled it wrong. You should have talked to your husband about it.
This should probably be in the relationship forum and not parenting as your question is about your husband.
I think he's right to be angry at you. While your step-son, who is closer to your age than your husband, confided in you and you might have felt a need to keep that confidence, he was involved with a man considerably older. It had the potential to be a dangerous situation for the step-son. Depending on your state, it might be considered statutory rape.
Instead of threatening to call the man yourself you should have given your step-son a choice: either he speaks with his father within a week or you will. This is a fundamental truth about the son that the father needs to know. And you didn't end it.
Your first obligation should have been to your husband. You knew something that could potentially harm his son and didn't tell him. In some way you violated his trust in you. It's not about the fact that it was a man. It's about a much older adult possibly taking advantage of a young person. My husband and I had an agreement that our first commitment was to each other. As much as we love our children our original commitment to each other had to come first. There were no big, important secrets they could share with us that we would not share with each other.
I'm sorry, but if you don't really understand what a big deal this is, your husband is right. You're not ready to be a parent. BTW-Turning 18 might legally make one an "adult," but I hate that phrase, "almost an adult." It's as if the passing of a single day magically makes one an adult. It doesn't work that way.
Finally, of course he's in touch with his ex-wife. She is the mother of the young man. I'm sure they have a lot to talk about concerning the son.
Yeah I probably should have posted in that forum. Is there a way to move post?
I see your point. I could have handled it better. At the time I thought that if I told his dad I could be potentially forcing him to come out the closet to his dad when he wasn't ready to, and it could cause a lot of issues mentally. You're right, the age difference could be dangerous. I wish I did more about it, I could have told his dad to speak to him so then at least stepson can tell him himself, but I trusted stepson that he wouldn't contact the man again. Usually he is sensible and mature. It is really out of character for him. So I do feel like I was in the wrong but I'm not sure if it warrants divorcing me over because I did put an end to it when I found out but stepson went behind my back. I'd understand more if I did nothing at all. But I have learned for it and will never make the mistake again. I wish I could prove that to my husband. He isn't even giving me a chance. I feel like he is putting all the blame on me when his son is to blame as well but they're on good terms.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness
What are you getting out of the current arrangement?
You might want to cut your losses and move on.
I guess financial stability, I lost my job a while ago, and also I hate the thought of starting a new relationship and getting to know someone again. I felt really settled down and comfortable in this one and don't want change. I also just really love my husband. We've been married for 5 years and have had no issues up until now. Our marriage seemed perfect to me. I get on really well with his kids but they treat me more like a good friend than a mother because I'm not a lot older than them. I'm okay with that. His ex wife doesn't interfere much. I'm really hoping things will go back to how they were, I would never make the same mistake again. If we had issues throughout our marriage I probably would just give up but this is the first time we've really argued and fought and I really want to prove to him that I have learned from it and will change.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mumen
It seems he has all the power in this relationship, if you are not okay with that then you may want to look elsewhere sooner rather than later as later you may regret it more.
About your step son, I think you handled it pretty well at the start. it's easy to say, yea you could have done more. but really were there no signs? no follow up talk?
your stepson didn't confide with his dad because he knew what would happen. that's not an open door relationship. as a parent i would want my child to trust me, that she can tell me anything.
No I didn't see any signs that stepson was still talking to the man but I can't say that I was paying a lot of attention. I guess I just trusted him at the time. We get on really well but he treats me more like a good friend than mother figure. He is actually really close to his dad so I'm surprised he told me in the first place. Well he told me that he wanted to talk to someone about it but wasn't ready to tell his dad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LO28SWM
Youre definitely wrong here. I dont know where you are but it could also have been illegal. A 16 year old in a relationship with someone in their late 20s? Bad. I mean i guess you may not see the issue since you were 21 when you married a 37 year old. But a 16 year old "almost adult" is actually still a child. And he was dating someone your age or older. You may be ready for a baby but you arent ready for teenagers as step children.
He is righteous in his anger and you handled it wrong. You should have talked to your husband about it.
We live in Maine, so it isn't illegal that I know of. Things have been fine until this happened. I've never had problems with his kids before. His son is usually mature and smart. Maybe mine and husband's age difference made his son think it was okay. I hope husband isn't blaming that on me. I do regret how things played out. At the time I thought I handled it well. I realize now I didn't. I just want to show husband that I have learned from it but he isn't really talking to me.
Okay, you made a big mistake. You understand this now and have apologized to your husband. He has chosen to punish you for over a month with passive aggressive behavior and you are miserable. At the same time he is fine with his son and treating him normally.
He needs to "**** or get off the pot" now. Is it going to be a divorce or work on strengthening his marriage? Is his anger really just with you or also with himself because his son didn't trust him in coming out?
Don't continue cowering and letting him make you a target for another month. He needs to take responsibility for his own part in the situation with his son. Ignore him and live your life more independently. Get out and do some things with friends and alone. Don't give him payoff for his passive aggressiveness.
You are only 26 yourself and honestly, I think I would have been incredibly proud that a 17 year old shared something with me. He probably thought you would be more understanding, considering you have a big age gap between you and your husband.
for a 42 year old to expect you would react/respond the same way he does, its unreasonable.
I was married when I was 25. Believe me when I say this, do not let your husband give you silent treatments or continue his behaviour. This is a pattern. This will only get worse. It starts from shutting you out a day, then a week, then a month and then even a year or two.
He was upset, understandably, but dont be a door mat (I was for the longest time).
He has a choice to work this out. You are 26, you have the whole life ahead of you. When things were this bad for me, I meditated (and etc) and understood that I want to be happy, with or without him. Once that realisation sets in, you will work on your own happiness.
You are only 26 yourself and honestly, I think I would have been incredibly proud that a 17 year old shared something with me. He probably thought you would be more understanding, considering you have a big age gap between you and your husband.
for a 42 year old to expect you would react/respond the same way he does, its unreasonable.
I was married when I was 25. Believe me when I say this, do not let your husband give you silent treatments or continue his behaviour. This is a pattern. This will only get worse. It starts from shutting you out a day, then a week, then a month and then even a year or two.
He was upset, understandably, but dont be a door mat (I was for the longest time).
He has a choice to work this out. You are 26, you have the whole life ahead of you. When things were this bad for me, I meditated (and etc) and understood that I want to be happy, with or without him. Once that realisation sets in, you will work on your own happiness.
you are not responsible for a 17 year old boy.
I agreed with just about the entire post here until the bolded part (my bolding).
She married a person with children. She attempted to correct the behavior of the child when he revealed it to her. Thats taking responsibility. When you marry into an existing family you assume responsibility.
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