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My first thought was that to a teenager having a relationship with someone 12 years older really is not that different than having his dad marry a woman who was 16 years younger.
If you married at 21, i bet that you were dating this much older man when you were pretty young too.
Maybe you should have a little talk with husband. Something like "We need to talk about this and our future now. Otherwise, I'm going to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks, which will give us both time to figure out where we want to go from here."
If he's not willing to talk about it with you now, then go. Go somewhere. Stay with a friend, Go see a sister, or visit your parents, or whatever. But get out of the house. Give him some time to figure out what he wants, and it gives him the message you're tired of his pouting.
IMO, he thinks he has it over you because you're not working, and dependent. Let him know you're not afraid.
Okay, you made a big mistake. You understand this now and have apologized to your husband. He has chosen to punish you for over a month with passive aggressive behavior and you are miserable. At the same time he is fine with his son and treating him normally.
He needs to "**** or get off the pot" now. Is it going to be a divorce or work on strengthening his marriage? Is his anger really just with you or also with himself because his son didn't trust him in coming out?
Don't continue cowering and letting him make you a target for another month. He needs to take responsibility for his own part in the situation with his son. Ignore him and live your life more independently. Get out and do some things with friends and alone. Don't give him payoff for his passive aggressiveness.
ITA. You need to respect yourself, & even if you are happy with him, if he is not willing to put in any effort to save the marriage, then you need to move on. You are still young. If he does not want kids with you, maybe you need to decide if that is truly what you want. Or is he using it as an excuse.
OP Go see an attorney and find out what you would get in a divorce settlement since financial support is a reason you are staying. You may be entitled to 50 percent of everything. You need to find out where you would stand financially. Do you have a pre nup, did he own the house before you were married? Are you on all the financial accounts etc.
Once you get these answers think about are you better off with him or without him? And, get a job if you don't have one already. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. For your husband to react this way for so long is a red flag.
I don't think he's overreacting to be angry, or to be rethinking your relationship. The way you handled the situation showed some seriously bad judgement, and then I don't think you helped the situation by fighting dirty when he called you on it.
That said, being angry is not an excuse to also be a jerk, and it sounds like he's also being a jerk. If he's interested in staying together, he needs to open a door to reconciliation. If he's not, he needs to let you know so you can both make your exit plans.
So I do feel like I was in the wrong but I'm not sure if it warrants divorcing me over because I did put an end to it when I found out but stepson went behind my back. .
His son would've seen the guy behind his back, too.
I don't think you were necessarily wrong. You didn't ignore the situation, you thought you handled it, and you did so in a way that would avoid the boy having to come out to his father (and as soon as you found out the situation got out of hand, you *did* tell him about it). Depending on your husband, this could be a big deal. Kids have been disowned, kicked out of the house, and beaten for coming out of the closet to their parents, and doing so is no small thing, so yes, I don't think someone is wrong for wanting to avoid that outcome for anyone, let alone a young person. Unfortunately, the fact that it's a man his son was seeing makes this situation not-so-straightforward. If he can't see that, then he's not the only one who's immature.
You weren't trying to intentionally keep a serious matter from your husband; that was a byproduct of you trying to protect his son's wellbeing regarding his sexuality. And again, I'm sure your husband likes to think that if it had been him trying to keep them apart, that it would've been successful, but kids are sneaky and unless he planned to lock the kid in the house all the time and take away all communication devices, the kid still would've gone behind his back. Frankly, I think you should ask him how he would've handled it differently. (I mean, he didn't really handle it differently. So he went through the kid's phone and social media and stuff. Not like it's hard to get a "burner" phone and new social media accounts; kids and cheating significant others do it all the time. Plus he flew off the handle and it sounds like probably came close to getting in trouble for stalking/harassment; it sounds like your handling of it was *more* mature than his.)
Part of me wonders, of course, how much of this is about the sexuality and you not "telling" him his son is gay/has had homosexual relationships/encounters, and whether he might feel differently about it if it was an older woman instead... (I've found a lot of men are weird about "teh gay" and about their own kids, especially sons, being gay. I've also found a lot of men are sadly unconcerned about the older woman-younger man dynamic, with many taking a sort of "atta boy!" attitude.)
(And of course the other guy "is a creep." He solicits underage kids. No further information about him was necessary to determine the fact...)
Of the many things about this that I don’t understand, the fact that you knew your MINOR stepson was having sex with an ADULT and you did not contact the police is mind blowing. Sorry OP, this isn’t simply a “mistake” on your part, but goes well beyond that. In some ways I side with your husband here.
Yeah I probably should have posted in that forum. Is there a way to move post?
I see your point. I could have handled it better. At the time I thought that if I told his dad I could be potentially forcing him to come out the closet to his dad when he wasn't ready to, and it could cause a lot of issues mentally. You're right, the age difference could be dangerous. I wish I did more about it, I could have told his dad to speak to him so then at least stepson can tell him himself, but I trusted stepson that he wouldn't contact the man again. Usually he is sensible and mature. It is really out of character for him. So I do feel like I was in the wrong but I'm not sure if it warrants divorcing me over because I did put an end to it when I found out but stepson went behind my back. I'd understand more if I did nothing at all. But I have learned for it and will never make the mistake again. I wish I could prove that to my husband. He isn't even giving me a chance. I feel like he is putting all the blame on me when his son is to blame as well but they're on good terms.
I guess financial stability, I lost my job a while ago, and also I hate the thought of starting a new relationship and getting to know someone again. I felt really settled down and comfortable in this one and don't want change. I also just really love my husband. We've been married for 5 years and have had no issues up until now. Our marriage seemed perfect to me. I get on really well with his kids but they treat me more like a good friend than a mother because I'm not a lot older than them. I'm okay with that. His ex wife doesn't interfere much. I'm really hoping things will go back to how they were, I would never make the same mistake again. If we had issues throughout our marriage I probably would just give up but this is the first time we've really argued and fought and I really want to prove to him that I have learned from it and will change.
No I didn't see any signs that stepson was still talking to the man but I can't say that I was paying a lot of attention. I guess I just trusted him at the time. We get on really well but he treats me more like a good friend than mother figure. He is actually really close to his dad so I'm surprised he told me in the first place. Well he told me that he wanted to talk to someone about it but wasn't ready to tell his dad.
We live in Maine, so it isn't illegal that I know of. Things have been fine until this happened. I've never had problems with his kids before. His son is usually mature and smart. Maybe mine and husband's age difference made his son think it was okay. I hope husband isn't blaming that on me. I do regret how things played out. At the time I thought I handled it well. I realize now I didn't. I just want to show husband that I have learned from it but he isn't really talking to me.
I agree with those saying you should talk to him, start with you did not raise these kids, you're trying your best to be a parent but that you do understand you should have handled it differently. Tell him what you said here about why you didn't because of his son having to come out when he may not be gay since he has been dating women.
As to not having kids with you, that's a low blow. That's how you learn to be a parent by raising your own child. I think you've done a good job so far considering his son went to you and not his father.
I also agree that you should see an attorney to see where you'd stand in a divorce then find somewhere to go while your hub thinks about things because he's really dragging it out. I know how it feels because my hub has done similar when we were married about 5 or 7 years. We're together 21 years now. He still has times he gets an attitude and doesn't talk to me for a few days but it doesn't go beyond that any more.
The grass isn't always greener but if your hub is going to continue to be childish and not speak to you for months, how long will you allow it to go on before you say the marriage can't be saved?
My take is the husband is using the thing with his son as an excuse to get out of the marriage but we are only hearing one side of the story. How about you two see a marriage counselor?
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