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It's a good idea to keep your healthy friendships going even though you are in a romantic relationship. It takes some people a long time to learn this balance though and some people never do. Usually it takes for someone to lose a valuable friend or two in this way before they learn.
It's happened to me a few times with lady friends.
But some of those women were already obsessed with finding the hot guy, and once they found there idea of Mr. Perfect, they never called or answered any messages or phone calls of mine. Then, after a period of months or whatever, they start flooding my phone with calls because they broke up.
I encourage it for my friends to spend time with their s.o. Sure, I like my private time too, but I want what's best for them, and life takes its course in different ways.
A part of life is letting go, but I'm not essentially letting go of my friendship. It's more like I'm detaching myself so my friends can appropriately start their lives with their s.o.'s. Perfectly normal and okay.
This occurs, inevitably, when your dating circle of "friends" is larger than your marital circle of friends: two different behaviors, two different groups of friends.
It also occurs, when, like me, one has moved often.
Most of my closest friends are not people I see on a daily basis, can go out with on a weekend, can grab coffee with. They are people like my college roommate from 1999 who lives 500 miles away, or my childhood best friend who lives similarly far in the opposite direction. They are my friend who is a Foreign Service officer and currently lives in the Balkans, or someone I studied abroad with who lives in another country. My emotionally closest friends are not my geographically closest, for the mots part. I have local friends, but they are more acquaintances than soul mate types. If faced with spending the evening with friends from work, or my boyfriend, I'm going to choose my boyfriend, because I'm closer to him than I am work acquaintances. However, I may leave the BF on his own fly to Chicago to spend a weekend with a childhood friend to whom I've very close and have been for years.
There's also a lot of context that has to do with the seriousness of the relationship. Somebody I've been in a relationship with for years and live with is going to be a bigger priority to me than friends who may come and go. He's a daily part of my life, and a big part, whereas my friends are more peripheral by nature. Am I going to fall off the face of the earth and blow off lifelong friends for sombody I'm dating casually and not pursuing anything serious with? Nah.
I've been involved in a great relationship for almost 8 months. One of my closest friends has been involved with a wonderful lady for almost a year. In fact, they're now engaged. When he and I first met, we were both single and had no ties to significant others. Anyway, over the weekend he told me that he appreciated the fact that I kept in touch with him - despite the fact that I'm now seriously involved with someone. Then we had this long conversation about people who disappear when they get involved, etc etc.
The way I look at it: my close friends are people that I've known for years. They've been there for me through some very rough times. Sure, we cannot see each other as much as we used to, but I would never just disappear. In this day and age, it takes all of ten seconds to write a quick text to say hello, or drop a message in someone's FB. And though I love my spouse dearly, sometimes it's nice to have some time either alone, or with friends just to take a breather and have a balance.
But I find the whole disappearing when you get involved rather strange. Has that ever happened to you?
Look, I don't have much free time. In fact, I am pushing off chores every freaking weekend because of trying to spend time with my son (home from college) or my BF.
When I was "BF-less",sure, I could go out pretty much every weekend if I wanted to. But 1) my BF doesn't drink, ever, and he hates bars... so meeting up with friends in a bar just isn't going to happen with him along, and 2) we are an hour apart,so we don't just hang out a few hours on the weekend....we basically stay here or there. Or we go somewhere...roads trip, camping, kayaking...whatever. My friends do none of those things...the ONLY time I can see them is to meet for a drink....and frankly, I rarely have the time. Don't get me wrong, when I can, I do....but it's a very infrequent event. I do stays in touch, via phone, and in some cases FB, and that works fine for us.
I've been involved in a great relationship for almost 8 months. One of my closest friends has been involved with a wonderful lady for almost a year. In fact, they're now engaged. When he and I first met, we were both single and had no ties to significant others. Anyway, over the weekend he told me that he appreciated the fact that I kept in touch with him - despite the fact that I'm now seriously involved with someone. Then we had this long conversation about people who disappear when they get involved, etc etc.
The way I look at it: my close friends are people that I've known for years. They've been there for me through some very rough times. Sure, we cannot see each other as much as we used to, but I would never just disappear. In this day and age, it takes all of ten seconds to write a quick text to say hello, or drop a message in someone's FB. And though I love my spouse dearly, sometimes it's nice to have some time either alone, or with friends just to take a breather and have a balance.
But I find the whole disappearing when you get involved rather strange. Has that ever happened to you?
Yes, and it is like nails on a chalkboard. These are the people who make their men/women their everything and only call when things are going south and they need someone to listen.
I just curbed a friend who did that for two years; couldn't be bothered to respond to a call or text, would disappear for a couple of weeks and then we'd hear from him when his GF pulled her bi weekly screw up. He got angry at another friend for not showing up to his gathering and I reminded him that he was a regular flake for a very long time, don't go there. He didn't like that. We are no longer friends. LOL.
I just don't like friends of "convenience" either you're in or you're out. I've cut off several long time friends (25+ years) due to this whole situation.
Make new friends, if they can't contact you even when you're down on your luck...that just let's you know how much they value the friendship. Do the same, make some new friends and live your life.
Same here. I was always the single girl, who was left behind when all her friends found boyfriends and had to find new friends. So when those original friends were single and I wasn't, they got angry at me for not being around. How was I supposed to feel guilty about enjoying my wonderful partner just because they were suddenly single and wanted little to nothing to do with me while they had boyfriends?
Now that I'm older, I'm single again and most of my friends are married/engaged/etc., so it's hard for me to even get them to return phone calls half the time. I know where I stand at this point, so I'm looking forward to having someone reliable in my life again. Not that I don't love my friends, but I get tired of coming in last.
It has nothing to do with coming in last. Quite honestly, for a couple who's late 20s and beyond, it's really hard to keep an abundance of single friends. For me, I've had to do more accomodating for my coupled/married friends then how they accomodate me. It's nothing against them at all. I used to feel bad about it, but I had to realize that they have taken more steps in life than I have and things have changed. That is all a part of life and there's nothing you can really do about it.
When I'm in a relationship, I spend less time with my friends too. I still make it to outings, but it's not like before where I would be available all the time. When you're the single one, you have to find ways to keep yourself entertained and yourself happy. Being single when you're older is tough, because you feel that life is passing you by so quickly.
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