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I'm at an age where I've finished my education, found a good job, and many people ( basically my mom ) are waiting for me to get a ring and push out a kid.
I understand all that sounds good. I just don't want to settle. I want that spark. He has to be a millionaire.
You want sparks and a millionaire?
Um.. does he also have to look like a movie star?
I mean, as long as you're being unrealistic.
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I think this is what some people confuse with "settling."
It's not settling if you find a person you love, that you get along well with, that shares your values, etc.
I do believe some people think that if they don't marry a doctor/lawyer/rock star, whatever and they don't have fireworks go off every time that person walks into the room, and that person doesn't meet some checklist of personal features and financial ledgers, then they are "settling."
I would argue that their goals were highly unrealistic in the first place.
I think this is what some people confuse with "settling."
It's not settling if you find a person you love, that you get along well with, that shares your values, etc.
I do believe some people think that if they don't marry a doctor/lawyer/rock star, whatever and they don't have fireworks go off every time that person walks into the room, and that person doesn't meet some checklist of personal features and financial ledgers, then they are "settling."
I would argue that their goals were highly unrealistic in the first place.
Not disagreeing with what you said, but in my case, if I know I'm capable of having certain feelings for someone because I've had them before, however I don't have those feelings for Mr. Good Enough guy but wish that I did, then I would be settling. If I had truly gotten to a point where I no longer desired whatever Mr. Good Enough was lacking and I could be perfectly happy without it, I wouldn't consider that settling.
And this is the key point! When we consider the term “settling”, rarely do we advocate merging our lives with a person with whom we have profound disagreement in values, or who has defects of character that we can’t abide. Almost always “settling” means either (1) a person not particularly driven or successful in life, for instance with mediocre career prospects, or even more commonly (2) some one who isn’t particularly attractive.
The exhortation to settle doesn’t mean to renege on one’s life-goals, but to overcome one’s lack of sexual interest in the potential partner, focusing instead of the person’s basic compatibility and decency. For a young man, this means marrying a girl who is homely but of good character, with an appealing personality, with interests well aligned with the guy’s interests and so forth.
The really aching quandary is the situation between people of unorthodox opinions and lifestyles. Suppose that Man A and Woman B have some fringe outlook on life, so that for either of them, finding a compatible partner is very difficult. Then one day they stumble upon another... but there's a problem: A just does not find B to be sexually attractive (or vice versa). What to do? Finding another such partner would be difficult, and there is genuine consonance of feeling between A and B. Should A overcome his disappointment with B's looks, and marry her anyway? I would say yes.
IMO, society puts more pressure than ever on people to find an attractive partner.
Sexual attraction for many people has almost as much value if not more value than anything else.
Funny thing is, for anyone who has been there, intimacy will be there, and can still be good with someone who isn't hot.
So many people over-inflate their own attractiveness, and then they turn 30 and realize, "uh-oh! why am I still single?! "
Is that 60 mins a day on average really worth the hassle of the remaining 23 hours a day with someone who isnt as compatible?
"But they sure are a great trophy!"
Ugly people have been having children since the beginning of human kind. And the truth is, if given a chance, even physcially less attractive people can become attractive in the eyes of someone that cares for them. And this fact is IME .
If unattractive people were so unappealing, wouldn't natural selection have eliminated the less attractive people?
i guess the real question is whether or not the stigma was as bad 50 or 100 years ago to be less attractive? Perhaps? But since we can't go back, all we have is today vs our yesteryears.
IMO, I was able to attract more women that were comparably more attractive in my years of 20- 25.
The older I have become, the more I have struggled to attract someone that even has potential to he a good life partner, let alone how attractive she is. Is that a reflection of me or my level of attractiveness? I think it must be at least one or the other, but which one is it... for me?
Some people looking for an LTR start with a blank canvas. As they learn more about a person, traits and qualities dot the canvas and eventually an image appears. If that's an attractive image based on something like reality, they may pursue something long term. Even if a more striking image may potentially come into view on another currently blank canvas, an emotionally healthy person can weigh a present appealing prospect against what amounts to a fantasy. People with this approach also update that image based on an ever changing reality.
I think other people strat with a very fixed image on the canvas. They walk around holding the canvas up to the people they meet and typically finding the real people lacking. Someone with this approach is ripe for either remaining alone, or for feeling like they settled because the odds are extrremely long that anyone will match that fixed image. Fixed image folks by definition resist updating the image to reflect reality, which isn't too healthy.
I suspect that people who start with a blank canvas seldom settle, or feel like they've settled. I suspect that the fixed image people are the more likely settlers or at least perceived settlers, ending up unhappy themselves and often inflicting that on their SO.
I think you should give someone a chance and not be so quick to ditch someone. Big difference.
If I know a guy has a quality that won't work for me, I should just stick with it?
I know what you're getting at but I've taken that route before and spent years on someone(s) that I knew was not going to be compatible with me. It's not fair to "ditch" someone quickly but is it better to stay with them when you have doubts?
I'm at an age where I've finished my education, found a good job, and many people ( basically my mom ) are waiting for me to get a ring and push out a kid.
I understand all that sounds good. I just don't want to settle. I want that spark. He has to be a millionaire.
LMAO! Good luck with that. What happened to "Nothing beats having a genuine relationship with the proper chemistry/intimacy"? If your "spark" requires that he is a millionaire, it sounds like you'll sacrifice the real feelings before you sacrifice the money.
If I know a guy has a quality that won't work for me, I should just stick with it?
If the "quality that does not work" is a fundamental disagreement in world-view, then of course it's pointless to persevere. If one of the partners wants to have kids, and the other is adamantly child-free, that relationship has no future. If one of the partners is profligate and lives merely for the present, while the other is a fanatical saver, again that relationship has no future. It's stupid to "settle" for such a partner.
But what if the basics are covered, but one of the partners is fit, elegant and attractive, while the other is sedentary and obese? What then? This is where we struggle with the whole question of "settling".
LMAO! Good luck with that. What happened to "Nothing beats having a genuine relationship with the proper chemistry/intimacy"? If your "spark" requires that he is a millionaire, it sounds like you'll sacrifice the real feelings before you sacrifice the money.
Next time i promise i´ll use one of those dreaded emoticons, so you can get it´s a joke.
Seriously though, what is this <3? It doesn't look like a heart at all. I'd always assumed it was a very inappropriate symbol.
Some people looking for an LTR start with a blank canvas. As they learn more about a person, traits and qualities dot the canvas and eventually an image appears. If that's an attractive image based on something like reality, they may pursue something long term. Even if a more striking image may potentially come into view on another currently blank canvas, an emotionally healthy person can weigh a present appealing prospect against what amounts to a fantasy. People with this approach also update that image based on an ever changing reality.
I think other people strat with a very fixed image on the canvas. They walk around holding the canvas up to the people they meet and typically finding the real people lacking. Someone with this approach is ripe for either remaining alone, or for feeling like they settled because the odds are extrremely long that anyone will match that fixed image. Fixed image folks by definition resist updating the image to reflect reality, which isn't too healthy.
I suspect that people who start with a blank canvas seldom settle, or feel like they've settled. I suspect that the fixed image people are the more likely settlers or at least perceived settlers, ending up unhappy themselves and often inflicting that on their SO.
Yeah. I am more of a blank canvas sort of person.
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