Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
The don't get married or not really married argument has never made much sense to me, but then civil marriage makes little sense to me. You don't hear people who are cheating are not "really" married. THEIR sexual in-exclusivity is understandable in the context of all the woes of marriage and modern living despite the nasty deceit. But honest and caring in-exclusivity cannot involve any "real" relationship, certainly not marriage.
For my part, marriage is the smallest of my commitment to my husband, though the automatic survivor-ship benefits are easy. If the govt dissolved civil marriage tomorrow, that would simply mean a trip to the lawyer to change our will. Nothing more. The love, intimacy, caring, honesty, fun and joy we share that builds and grows every day is the heart and foundation of that commitment.
Hmm, the post above appears to be rather contradictory -- on the one hand, you talk about commitment and love and caring for one another in your marriage, but you also on the other hand talk about open relationships... I just honestly don't quite understand how you and your husband can still feel that very special loving, way about each other, if you are also together with other people, as part of an open relationship?
You really don't. Post after post makes that very clear.
[quote]
I guess I have to discuss the point of this for the benefit of anyone who might still be reading with something like an open mind.
Quote:
If your life is dotted with random sexual partners while building a solid relationship, then what is your relationship really about? Is it precious? Is it fulfilling? Is it beautiful? Is it real?
Which relationship(s) are you asking about? My life is certainly not dotted with random sexual partners. If that is what you think the majority of responsible non-monogamy is about, then you have a lot of learning to do, though I already knew that this was the case.
What is my relationship with my husband about? Love. Commitment. At about 22 years together, only about 6 or so including swinging, I think we are looking down the barrel of forever. It is more precious than anything I have had the pleasure of participating in in my entire life.
Quote:
Those are my question. Also, this is the question many people are curious about, "I personally don't believe ANYBODY would be HAPPY knowing their husband and wives screwing other people." Yet, you still take it as an insult.
Well generally when someone tells that to someone who has just stated that that is exactly how they DO feel, it comes off as rather sanctimonious. Call me nuts.
Quote:
Many of the poly people claim that they don't need to know the juicy details of their loved one's sexual experiences.
I don't know where you get these poly people you keep quoting. I heard that there is a tv show on about poly people. I also heard it bears very little relationship to what most folks experience in RL.
The fact is that these people are as varied as any population. For myself, I would never engage in what the OP is suggesting. But I have seen other couples do it with smashing success. Who am I to say.
The next place you could take some education is around the equality and inequality of the different terms you use interchangeable. Swinging <> open <> poly. Which is why I use the term responsible non-monogamy when in any doubt... Doesn't hurt that it contains the most important aspect of all the sub groups - responsible.
Quote:
Well, my question to that statement is, if that doesn't bother you, why don't you want to know? You means the general term you, not you you.
I said, "HUSBAND", I didn't say "casual dates, or even boyfriends. When two people are married, faithfulness is a requirement, is it not? If one wants to have an open relationship, why bother getting married. NONE of my posts are really directed at OP.
Who says there is no faithfulness? So this comes down to deep rooted cheating fear? Who says what faithfulness means or is for in a relationship?
The first two definitions are lovely:
: having or showing true and constant support or loyalty
: deserving trust : keeping your promises or doing what you are supposed to do
the fact that not having sex with people not your socially designated partner has made it into the dictionary signifies the plague of non-think that haunts our society.
But let's say for argument's sake that not having sex is the definition of faithfulness. Who determines that that IS indeed a requirement? All the couples of the decades who have had marriages of convenience were not "really" married? Does that make their kids bastards?
Why GET married? What is marriage? Really. To the tea party, it is one man one woman chain together in religious misery for all eternity. All the deities save me from that. To the rich it is a mechanism of wealth protection and designation of survivorship. To many it is some form of benediction.
To me it is far secondary to the relationship itself. When we GOT married, we had swallowed the kool aid. As we grew, we did something interesting. We grew up. And luckily, we grew together. In the years we have been together, I have not once feared he would cheat on me. Honesty and trust prevailed to such a degree that he could even share hidden desires such as ... GASP... wanting to see me pursue my bisexuality, all while knowing it would not horrify me out of love because some unmarried genitals might touch in the process.
Quote:
What makes a relationship something that people want to hold onto? What makes it special? Intimacy with your partner? Shared goals? Sex?
YES! Certainly not the paper. All the things you mentioned? YES. YES. YES. Trust. Honesty. Love. Joy.
Quote:
I think the thing that makes a relationship special is that you are with the person you love. It’s special because it is two people doing something together that they are not doing with anyone else.
Like cook lasagna?
Quote:
That’s what marriage is, and the reason we outlaw polygamy is to preserve the sanctity (specialness) of marriage (love and sex).
Ok sanctity:
the state or quality of being holy, sacred, or saintly.
If you are coming at this from a sanctity bent, ok. But you have to know that there are tons of people who DON'T believe in holy, sacred or saintly ANYTHING that already participate in civil marriage.
Quote:
If you don’t believe in “the one,” can you at least respect the one you are with right now enough to not sleep with everyone else?
Why would that be interesting if he does not regard that as a respectful thing to do?
Quote:
Obviously, if you can find somebody who also don't believe "the one", then you two will have a wonderful relationship (either open or exclusive) However, there are a lot of people who hide behind "open relationship" just to satisfy their own selfish needs. These are the people I have problems with.
There are "a lot of people" who tell the cop they were borrowing it when they steel the car. That does not make it so. I am not disagreeing with you that calling a skunk cabbage a rose makes it smell any better.
Hmm, the post above appears to be rather contradictory -- on the one hand, you talk about commitment and love and caring for one another in your marriage, but you also on the other hand talk about open relationships... I just honestly don't quite understand how you and your husband can still feel that very special loving, way about each other, if you are also together with other people, as part of an open relationship?
What are you asking me? How can people love each other madly without sexual exclusivity? It Just Is. How can I love both men and women? Where my husband only has sexual attraction for men? It Just Is.
What are you asking me? How can people love each other madly without sexual exclusivity? It Just Is. How can I love both men and women? Where my husband only has sexual attraction for men? It Just Is.
Was it always this way for you, though?? Was there ever a time that you can remember in your past, where you had wanted the love of only and solely your husband? Was there a trigger or a special event in your life, that made you want to try for open relationships?
The reason I ask is, for me personally in my own life, nothing even remotely like that has happened to make me want to be in an open relationship; I have always wanted the love and heart of one (and only one) woman...
What are you asking me? How can people love each other madly without sexual exclusivity? It Just Is. How can I love both men and women? Where my husband only has sexual attraction for men? It Just Is.
Like anything else, we have been told since we were born that Love can only exist between 1 man and 1 woman and that Love and sex can only take place in that context. This has been hard core instilled in us through religion, society and even law. If you look back and see how corrupt society and religion has been (And not just in the west). I wonder why we believe anything that has been pushed down our throats?
Was it always this way for you, though?? Was there ever a time that you can remember in your past, where you had wanted the love of only and solely your husband? Was there a trigger or a special event in your life, that made you want to try for open relationships?
The reason I ask is, for me personally in my own life, nothing even remotely like that has happened to make me want to be in an open relationship; I have always wanted the love and heart of one (and only one) woman...
For the record, I don't generally use the term "open " relationship that much. What we did was swinging. But we got married young. Madly in love. But one of the original connects was a rejection of the cinderella fantasy. Anyway, trying to encapsulate over 20 years into a post is not easy. But the coomon threads are trust and honesty. Fiathfulness was always more about trust and honesty and caring for each other than owning eachother's genitals.
Was it always this way for you, though?? Was there ever a time that you can remember in your past, where you had wanted the love of only and solely your husband? Was there a trigger or a special event in your life, that made you want to try for open relationships?
The reason I ask is, for me personally in my own life, nothing even remotely like that has happened to make me want to be in an open relationship; I have always wanted the love and heart of one (and only one) woman...
Knight, forgive me if I am misremembering, but I believe you have had intimate encounters in the past. If that is true, you are obviously not ruined regarding future relationships. Perhaps you remember those women with fondness and affection, but your heart is still intact to give to someone else. You are open to give and receive love, eager even. Physical relationships do not always have to involve the same feelings. At the same time, the absence of love does not mean that anyone is being used, deceived or hurt (although some people do act that way). I understand very much about wanting to save all your best loving feelings for one person. I am not trying to convince you that you should live this way, just trying to shed some light on a subject that confuses many people.
Knight, forgive me if I am misremembering, but I believe you have had intimate encounters in the past. If that is true, you are obviously not ruined regarding future relationships. Perhaps you remember those women with fondness and affection, but your heart is still intact to give to someone else. You are open to give and receive love, eager even. Physical relationships do not always have to involve the same feelings. At the same time, the absence of love does not mean that anyone is being used, deceived or hurt (although some people do act that way). I understand very much about wanting to save all your best loving feelings for one person. I am not trying to convince you that you should live this way, just trying to shed some light on a subject that confuses many people.
Actually, the bolded portion above is not correct -- I have not been intimate with any women, in the past, thus far in life anyway. 0 intimate encounters Thx for sharing more about your thoughts though.
For the record, I don't generally use the term "open " relationship that much. What we did was swinging. But we got married young. Madly in love. But one of the original connects was a rejection of the cinderella fantasy. Anyway, trying to encapsulate over 20 years into a post is not easy. But the coomon threads are trust and honesty. Fiathfulness was always more about trust and honesty and caring for each other than owning eachother's genitals.
Fascinating...
In your experience with swinging though, did either you or your husband ever have any concern, that either you or he might come to like the partners you were swinging with, more than each other? Also if you and he being together with other people did not represent infidelity, what then in your view could represent a potential or actual violation of your marriage vows?
In your experience with swinging though, did either you or your husband ever have any concern, that either you or he might come to like the partners you were swinging with, more than each other?
Also if you and he being together with other people did not represent infidelity, what then in your view could represent a potential or actual violation of your marriage vows?
What do you mean by like?
I guess you just don' spend a lot of time fretting about violations. I cannot even begin to imagine him wanting to do anything to hurt me. Violate my trust? No, never.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I just honestly don't quite understand how you and your husband can still feel that very special loving, way about each other, if you are also together with other people, as part of an open relationship?
