Was that a deal breaker? (dating, boyfriend, girlfriend, marrying)
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while ago i met a girl (22) who was very attracted to me - she wanted my number and started texting me, we started dating for a month - everything great - she was very eager to see me and i can tell she was very very into me . Im lacking experience with girls, so I was not very aggressive during that time (never made a move on her sexually, but i kissed her, held hands, made out regularly). So she texted 2 mutual friends and asked behind my back if i ever had a girlfriend (i thought that was a shi.tty move and was lil upset). He refused to reply but told me. I was kinda irritated since she didnt ask me in person, so i texted her 'next time you want to ask me/know something about me, ask me in person not via other people'. (I regret that since it would be much much better to tell her in person).
Next day (date) i brought it up and told her i m not mad at her but dont like things like that. So i told her she can ask me now. She did and i told her i have never had a serious relationship - im 25, and that i have never had real feelings for any girl i have been sexual with. She was quiet after that and then i told her i have never had a gf because i was too busy (which is true plus i have never met any one special) because i was studying plus i was athlete. From then on, i felt everything was different - she didnt text me as often as before and i just felt something is not the way it was - she was distant. i can felt something has changed.
So 2 weeks later she texted me AFTER the date (she gave me just one kiss after and left quickly - normally we made out after a date), that she is not ready for somethings serious. I found out she tried to get back with her ex (mutual friend told me she texted him) - happened to me again (they were together 4 years and she left him because he was neglecting/ignoring/cheating her... less then 6 months ago. They were on and off many many times because of his behaviour - he was her rebound since she got with him 1 month after her previous serious relationship so after a while she cheated on him with her ex and after that he was 'like that' but they stayed together). So im wondering was my inexperience a deal breaker for her in your opinion and that was the reason she missed her ex and try to get back with him. She was very very into me/eager to see me (texting good night everyday, telling me she cant wait to see me, asking me if im falling in love...) before that topic about my past experiences came up. Im often too honest but i would lie if i could about that, but since we have some mutual friends from before that was not an option.
Also 2 months after that I met her and she apologized for hurting my feelings and she told me she felt guilty about moving on (since she knows she is the one to blame for her ex's behavior towards her) and finding a new boyfriend so she said she tried to save old relationship. She didnt succeed but she still doest want to have a 2nd chance i gave her - we went on a date and kissed afterwards but she had many excuses after that so i gave up...
Next week i didnt get any massage from her, but when I was in a pub with her drunk best friend, she told me if i was better then her ex and gave her what she needed (I guess sex) she would forget about him and her ex was never a factor. They are both also convinced im in love with her and she said i shouldnt be so available and should play games before we would be exclusive... Then she said she has now 'someone who f-cks her' in some town she has her apprenticeship in.
I felt like worthless piece of sh.it....
Relationships have a steep learning curve. Try to learn some stuff from what happened in this one, so that you will have better success in the future.
Some lessons you might draw from this:
People who are only 6 months out of a serious relationship (especially, but not only, an on again off again one) might get back together with their ex.
People who have a history of cheating on one person with an ex might do something similar again. (She has improved in that she did not actually cheat on you, IIUC.)
People who don't communicate in a direct way are frustrating to deal with and you might get hurt.
Girls like sex.
People who have serious-relationship experience are sometimes hesitant to get involved with people who don't. (Althugh, tbh, it doesn't seem like she has learned a lot from her experiences.)
Some people will give you really stupid advice like 'You should have played more games'. Just ask yourself if you want to be a guy who does that, and if you want to date a girl who likes that. Or do you want to date a girl who likes honesty?
Again, you have my sympathy. This all sounds awful.
Do you think it might turned out diferently if i made some things diferently - had sex, didnt tell my past relationship experiences the way i did... ?
her friend made me feel like its mostly my fault and i was not good enough... so thats why i didt sweep her off her feet.
If i think about how attracted she was/eager to see me first couple of weeks i really do think i screwed up.
the worst part is that was the 1st time i was ready to be in a relationship and i already saw it happening (the way she acted and talking at the beginning), even my friend was sure we are going to be together for quiet some time...
My little bit of advice here is it sounds like you guys are two totally different types of people. I could be wrong but the little I have heard makes me think she's the party girl type and wants/is used to people being more aggressive and she's going to go for that. Chances are you weren't very aggressive in general.
You sound like you need someone who is looking to be more "mellow" and take things slower. Which is just a different way of doing things.
I doubt not making sexual moves on her was the deal breaker. If that was really the only hang up and she really wanted to she'd be signaling for it. I bet as a whole you are just less assertive than she really wanted.
Do you think it might turned out diferently if i made some things diferently - had sex, didnt tell my past relationship experiences the way i did... ?
As soon as you had sex your inexperience would be obvious.
And she could tell even without sex -- that is why she asked.
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her friend made me feel like its mostly my fault and i was not good enough... so thats why i didt sweep her off her feet.
But her friend is a dip. You can tell by the 'game-playing' comment.
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If i think about how attracted she was/eager to see me first couple of weeks i really do think i screwed up.
the worst part is that was the 1st time i was ready to be in a relationship and i already saw it happening (the way she acted and talking at the beginning), even my friend was sure we are going to be together for quiet some time...
It's quite possible that it has nothing to do with the things you think. After all, she has a history of going back to the previous bf. Maybe she is just a person who thinks the grass is always greener elsewhere?
I think you should look at this in terms of how you can pick partners who suit you better, rather than how you can change to suit her.
I feel weird saying that, because, frankly, so many young guys make the opposite mistake -- they refuse to work on flaws they actually have, and instead just say a woman should like them for who they are. But you are not talking about working on real flaws. You are talking about trying to fake being somebody else. And that is not the way to get a relationship you will be happy in.
The point of dating -- rather than marrying a girl the day you meet her -- is to figure out if you and her are compatible. This time, you figured out that you are not. That hurts, but it is ok. What if you only realised this after you two had kids?
Do you think it might turned out diferently if i made some things diferently - had sex, didnt tell my past relationship experiences the way i did... ?
No, I don't think it would've turned out differently, and I'm honestly saying that, not just trying to make you feel better. If what you two had was strong enough to go the distance, it would've done so. You guys had some mutual interest. You dated for a bit to see what more was there. After doing that, she figured out it wasn't really there for her. It sucks, but it's the reality of dating. No one is going to "click" with everyone. Doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
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Originally Posted by ippn1
If i think about how attracted she was/eager to see me first couple of weeks i really do think i screwed up.
This is extremely common and has nothing to do with you "screwing up." When there is attraction, the first few weeks are exciting and full of raging hormones and tons of chemistry. Dating helps determine if there's something strong enough and compatible enough to go the distance. You guys had some chemistry, but not real compatibility. This kind of girl commonly likes the chase and to kiss/have sex a bit, but can't make it work long term. The fact that she's on/off all the time with her ex is further evidence of this. Don't beat yourself up.
Finally, remember that past behavior usually predicts future behavior. So if she cheated in the past, there's a darn good chance she'll cheat on you. If she does the on/off thing a lot and is currently "off" with the guy... there's a good chance history will repeat itself and she'll get back "on." Doesn't sound like you lost anything with this one.
After reading the part about her mood changing after confronting her about her asking around about your previous relationships I can't help but think that this killed it.
Also the fact that you didn't try to get into her panties probably made her feel that you didn't really want her. I had a buddy that was in a similar situation and the girl he was dating was very sexually aggressive but he was a bit on the take it slow side. After a few dates she dumped him.
Just gotta find someone who's as inexperienced as you are and is also looking to take it slow. Maybe a good church going kinda girl.
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