I give up on childfree men (husbands, separate, daughter, partner)

[lilyflower3191981]

Most of my friends are slightly older than me (in their early to mid 30s). At least for my child free friends, most (not all) women -- and men -- desire to be parents. But love, commitment and the right partnership come first. They choose love over parenthood. It's not an easy choice to make; They know the risk of waiting for love means they may become parents much later in life than expected, or, for some, never become parents at all.

I am still in my 20s, and I can honestly say that I have never thought about having children. Not like I was against having children, I just never really thought about it. However, I definitely want to keep this option open in case I change my mind in the future. After spending couple of months with my nephew, I just figured that I love kids so much but he or she has to be my own flesh and blood. I can see my smile on my nephew's face, that is such a magical feeling that I have never known exist. So some people's opinion of having children do change.

I don't think every child free man and woman is selfish. Different people choose to be child free for different reasons. those who feel misunderstood and sidelined by those who assume their childlessness is due a lack of desire for children or a lack of maternal (and paternal) yearnings, there is a fallacy that must be overturned.

I have a lady friend who can never have children of her own due to genetic issues. She just chose to fill her life with the children she loves like her nieces and nephews and friends' children. And she find other ways to 'mother.'

[TabulaRasa]

I think there is a difference of interpretation on this thread regarding what it is to be intentional about the use of the label "childfree" what it is to "not have any children yet and be okay with that, but ultimately, would like to be a parent if the situation arose," and what it is to be someone who may have wanted to become a parent, but is physically/medically unable to and for any number of reasons, unable to go an alternate route other than biological. Totally different contexts at work, and totally different populations. Someone who is childfree by choice generally has a different perspective than somebody who would want kids if the right situation arose, but for whom it hasn't happened, and both have a different perspective than someone who would have liked to be a parent, but is unable to do so. All may be childless, but not all would consider themselves "childfree." There is a lot in the context.

[arleigh]

I've met folk that died in their old age with out children ,completely dependent on friends and neighbors and professional services.
Not that children will be there when your in need, they won't be . struggling on their own.
My brother and I came to our parens rescue but that is the exception, not the rule. My wife did not come to her parens rescue .
That is how different the situations are.
Raising your kids takes treating them like some one else's, and being accountable to it.
Often parents try to befriend their kids and that leads to compromises that dismantle respect .
I'm not saying being mean, I'm saying your word should mean something.
If it means nothing, the kids will abuse it, and use it against you.
Rules must work both ways , you don't like double standards , guess what , ya , neither do they.
The way you live , your honesty and manning up to failure ,and making efforts to do better .Let them see you are making an effort to do better . No excuses or blaming .
good luck.
As for singles not wanting kids . Get fixed.
A predication to not wanting kids does not make for a good parent.
need examples ? look around , no need to look far.

[ohio_peasant]

Expanding on what TabulaRasa said in post #92, we can delineate several categories of non-parents:

- Persons who wish to first establish themselves materially in life (career, money, house), and to find the right partner, before becoming parents.
- Persons who don't yet regard themselves as sufficiently emotionally mature to become parents.
- Persons who are ambivalent about reproduction and could be influenced either way, depending on their eventual partner's preferences.
- Persons who are biologically unable to become parents, and who choose not to adopt.
- Persons who don't particularly enjoy the company of children and who would rather not bother with parenthood.
- Persons who blame inauspicious genetics or troubled upbringing, who thus believe it to be wise not to reproduce.
- Avowed antinatalists.

Dating an antinatalist will be distinctly different from dating a person who's "not yet ready" to have kids, or even one who is uninterested in parenthood because that would constrain his/her lifestyle.

[tigerwoodsyall]

hmm not to be a downer (also have not read all responses), but maybe there is some truth to her rant since she is over 40 and dating over 40 year old men (assuming). If you're over 40 why not date men who have kids that are grown up? If anything it will just widen the potential pool from which to choose from.. I'm 31 so still got a ways to till 40

[angrymillionaire]

I'm sorry you got your heart broken but glad you found the light & decided to leave him.

[NilaJones]

Originally Posted by tigerwoodsyall

If you're over 40 why not date men who have kids that are grown up? If anything it will just widen the potential pool from which to choose from..

If a guy is 40 and he had his first kid at 25, his oldest will be 15 and his others will be younger. And most guys, at least where I live, don't have kids till they are older than 25.

The 'biological clock' seems to hit guys hardest in their late 30s. So a lot of 40 year old men have kids in grade school.

Yeah, it surprised me, too . When I was kid, 40 seemed so old! I thought they would all have grownup kids.

[TabulaRasa]

Originally Posted by NilaJones

If a guy is 40 and he had his first kid at 25, his oldest will be 15 and his others will be younger. And most guys, at least where I live, don't have kids till they are older than 25.

The 'biological clock' seems to hit guys hardest in their late 30s. So a lot of 40 year old men have kids in grade school.

Yeah, it surprised me, too . When I was kid, 40 seemed so old! I thought they would all have grownup kids.

My fiance wants to have kids (as do I), and he's 41. He never met anybody he wanted to have a family with until we got together.

[nosyneighbors]

Originally Posted by malamute

Everyone is screwed up in someone's view. If someone is looking for a forever relationship, the permanently single and childfree will seem screwed up as far as having a relationship, but the reverse is also true. If you are the carefree childless single type, those wanting to marry will seem screwed up.

You would not be good commitment material if that's what someone is looking for. It's just about finding compatible types.

No, this is not true at all. As a unmarried person without children, I NEVER look at those people whom are married with children as screwed up. Additionally, people who are single and without children aren't always "carefree" and "free-spirited". Many of us don't have children because we have realized that we don't have the resources needed to take care of a child.

[nosyneighbors]

Originally Posted by TabulaRasa

Off-topic, but I once felt that way, too, when I was a young, single 20-something working at a busy newspaper with a majority of other staffers who had spouses and/or children. At first, it felt a bit flattering to be the "go-to" girl, especially being young/inexperienced and still having my publisher say he knew he could count on me to get it done. But it got old, holiday after holiday, when it was assumed that "TabulaRasa can come in on Christmas...after all, she doesn't have family like everyone else." Um, really? Because I'm not married and don't have kids, I suddenly "don't have family," nor would I like to celebrate a holiday with them? Boundaries had to be drawn, but it bugged me that that was the assumption. Assuming that being kidless means you'll want to do more than your share of the work and do so smilingly is, in my opinion, a big abuse on the part of employers. It being accepted/acceptable that I had a life outside of work and required work-life balance (even though I was unmarried and had no kids!!!) was ultimately much more important to me than being the perceived-as- "go-to," Johnny-on-the-spot girl who never asked off due to sick kids or school events. Anyhow, back on topic...

SING IT!

I bet your co workers never thanked you either.

I had a similar thing happen to me. I work in healthcare with many females- and you guessed it, I always worked holidays and weekends because "I had no family". Like you, I was happy to do it because it made me feel good that my co-workers were able to spend time with their families. Since I was new (and even when I wasn't that new) I would make a very good impression doing this for them...hey, I was a team player

Well of course my employers and co-workers were taking advantage of me, and like I said, it didn't bother me until I felt I wasn't being appreciated for it- no thank you from co-workers, clumsy remarks directed at me, being left out of conversations etc.

Like you, I set some boundaries. Without derailing this thread and getting into too much detail, after about a year and a half of working at said place of employment most of them were envying my lifestyle- it was a hell of lot more exciting than their lives. The best part? Rejecting their attempts to insert themselves into my life. Hey, they didn't want to know me, they just wanted to be exposed to my social circle, the events I attended etc. My life sure beats scrapbooking and dinner at Chuckie Cheese.

Living well is the best revenge.