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Are you being serious? I myself, nor a bunch of my friends have any children and have never been married. We have absolutely zero baggage or added complications that come with dating men who have been thrown out in the trash. We're all over the age of 35 except for one. We're not kids by any stretch of the imagination. Some women may ask "whatcha been doin'?" My answer is LIVING the life I use to make up the lies to write about on CD......
I haven't even been out on a date in over 3 1/2 years.....
Please tell me/us how much more we are screwed up by being child-free and single over the age of 35?
Are you being serious? I myself, nor a bunch of my friends have any children and have never been married. We have absolutely zero baggage or added complications that come with dating men who have been thrown out in the trash. We're all over the age of 35 except for one. We're not kids by any stretch of the imagination. Some women may ask "whatcha been doin'?" My answer is LIVING the life I use to make up the lies to write about on CD......
I haven't even been out on a date in over 3 1/2 years.....
Please tell me/us how much more we are screwed up by being child-free and single over the age of 35?
We'd all like to know that answer.
Everyone is screwed up in someone's view. If someone is looking for a forever relationship, the permanently single and childfree will seem screwed up as far as having a relationship, but the reverse is also true. If you are the carefree childless single type, those wanting to marry will seem screwed up.
You would not be good commitment material if that's what someone is looking for. It's just about finding compatible types.
Everyone is screwed up in someone's view. If someone is looking for a forever relationship, the permanently single and childfree will seem screwed up as far as having a relationship, but the reverse is also true. If you are the carefree childless single type, those wanting to marry will seem screwed up.
You would not be good commitment material if that's what someone is looking for. It's just about finding compatible types.
Actually that statement is incorrect. Who said anything about NOT wanting to get married or to have children? I didn't, neither did/do my friends. It's ok, they'll pick the guy with four already and has a vasectomy over us using that logic. Even so a good chunk of his check will be spent paying alimony and or child support and any additional child provider bills. Those school books are going to put a hex on that night out for your NEW wife.....
Everyone is screwed up in someone's view. If someone is looking for a forever relationship, the permanently single and childfree will seem screwed up as far as having a relationship, but the reverse is also true. If you are the carefree childless single type, those wanting to marry will seem screwed up.
And I would also like to add, if you're permanently single and childfree, PLEASE don't mingle in the general dating pool. Pick people who just want hook-ups or those who just want a really casual relationship. Don't meet their parents. Don't meet their friends. Don't spend holidays together. Don't give gifts. Don't even allude to settling down. Just treat it like it is -- a glorified friends-with-benefits arrangement.
People get hurt when they are led to believe that something is different than it really is. It's the actions that matter, not the words, and if all of your actions say, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," that's a lie of omission. That would be like me pretending to want/be able to have kids and leading someone down the primrose path. No difference, to my mind.
And I would also like to add, if you're permanently single and childfree, PLEASE don't mingle in the general dating pool. Pick people who just want hook-ups or those who just want a really casual relationship. Don't meet their parents. Don't meet their friends. Don't spend holidays together. Don't give gifts. Don't even allude to settling down. Just treat it like it is -- a glorified friends-with-benefits arrangement.
People get hurt when they are led to believe that something is different than it really is. It's the actions that matter, not the words, and if all of your actions say, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," that's a lie of omission. That would be like me pretending to want/be able to have kids and leading someone down the primrose path. No difference, to my mind.
I was feeling bad for you at first, but now, you're making silly statements that are verging on offensive.
I'm in a LTR and I don't have kids and I'm in my 40's, so if I were to be on the market again I shouldn't date in the "general" dating pool.
That is strange way to view the world.
So just because a guy is in his forties with no kids somehow he's not date worthy????
People don't have to be hurt as you put it because things are different than they seem??
How about finding out what each persons goals are instead of just branding all men with the same label.
How about finding out what each persons goals are instead of just branding all men with the same label.
I did; and I was led to believe that this would turn into a very LTR. What I got was a bait and switch.
That's what's unfair about this -- he knew all along that I was looking for something permanent. I made that abundantly clear. But, he played along as though he did too only to unleash this sudden revelation two years down the line. That's what's selfish. If only I had known, I could have adjusted my expectations accordingly. I would have suggested an open-door arrangement (both of us continue to see other people).
I did; and I was led to believe that this would turn into a very LTR. What I got was a bait and switch.
That's what's unfair about this -- he knew all along that I was looking for something permanent. I made that abundantly clear. But, he played along as though he did too only to unleash this sudden revelation two years down the line. That's what's selfish. If only I had known, I could have adjusted my expectations accordingly. I would have suggested an open-door arrangement (both of us continue to see other people).
That's what sometimes happens in life, you're old enough to know that, sometimes shyt happens, I feel bad for you in that respect. That guy was an A hole about his intentions, but you know, people sometimes do change their minds, irrespective of you.
And I would also like to add, if you're permanently single and childfree, PLEASE don't mingle in the general dating pool. Pick people who just want hook-ups or those who just want a really casual relationship. Don't meet their parents. Don't meet their friends. Don't spend holidays together. Don't give gifts. Don't even allude to settling down. Just treat it like it is -- a glorified friends-with-benefits arrangement.
People get hurt when they are led to believe that something is different than it really is. It's the actions that matter, not the words, and if all of your actions say, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," that's a lie of omission. That would be like me pretending to want/be able to have kids and leading someone down the primrose path. No difference, to my mind.
What I don't understand is why you let this go on for 3 years if you weren't okay with it. If this guy were looking for commitment/marriage, you should've had that talk by 6 months, a serious talk/engagement by a year, and if nothing had happened much after that, hit the road.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa78703
I did; and I was led to believe that this would turn into a very LTR. What I got was a bait and switch.
That's what's unfair about this -- he knew all along that I was looking for something permanent. I made that abundantly clear. But, he played along as though he did too only to unleash this sudden revelation two years down the line. That's what's selfish. If only I had known, I could have adjusted my expectations accordingly. I would have suggested an open-door arrangement (both of us continue to see other people).
Again, I think you have to set boundaries for how long you're willing to stay in a relationship where it's making no forward progress. While of course I understand your disappointment, I think it's unrealistic to expect that if something hasn't progressed into more than just promises of "someday" by the year mark, that it's ever going to. It's different if you're 22 and fresh out of college. At 40+ one shouldn't need that much time to decide if something is right or not. If they can't, get out at the year mark before you waste a lot of time.
And I would also like to add, if you're permanently single and childfree, PLEASE don't mingle in the general dating pool. Pick people who just want hook-ups or those who just want a really casual relationship. Don't meet their parents. Don't meet their friends. Don't spend holidays together. Don't give gifts. Don't even allude to settling down. Just treat it like it is -- a glorified friends-with-benefits arrangement.
People get hurt when they are led to believe that something is different than it really is. It's the actions that matter, not the words, and if all of your actions say, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," that's a lie of omission. That would be like me pretending to want/be able to have kids and leading someone down the primrose path. No difference, to my mind.
Obviously those statements are incorrect as well. If not how could such "men" remain celibate for years and years and never even go on a date? By that logic, you'd be interested in the guy who makes all the plays and is on his third date this week with a different woman. Sometimes the cards are not dealt in the lifelong bachelors favor AT ALL. Usually not by choice either, it's a monkey in the wrench so to speak.
No, not the ones who had or wanted children -- just the ones who didn't.
I have had wonderful relationships with men who wanted to be dads, or who already were. It just seemed like they were more flexible with their time, more giving of their emotions. I dunno, they were just more well-adjusted and normal. There was one single dad who was awesome.
But no, stupid me. I told myself that his kids would be too much of a burden on me, so I didn't let myself get involved. Now I feel so judgmental.
My original statement stands. You pick the wrong men. You might want to say it's just the child free men, but none of your relationships with the other men have lasted either, correct? There's a pattern and it's not just "child free."
You said it yourself in a subsequent post - people your age who aren't attached are not emotionally healthy. While I don't believe that, I think you do - And you are projecting.
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