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You guys are funny. A good girl doesn't just fall into your lap by chance. Too many guys over the years have believed that there is someone out there they are bound to be with and that it will just happen by chance and it's meant to be. That might happen for a couple people, but for most people, it's a fight. It's like the nature documentaries where there is one female snake and a hundred male snakes fighting over her. It *IS* like applying for a job. The general masses of men do not get women by just being themselves and doing what makes them happy. It only works that way in fantasyland - this is the real world.
someonenew points out a key to not just meeting someone but keeping someone. People who have long term relationships often do the same things they were doing when they met their significant other. They kept their appearance up and their weight down, they were active and hard working, they acted in a friendly and kind way to other people.
My hint of what you can do today. Quit eating so much and lose some weight. (You don't have to work out, just don't eat so much food. You'll lose weight and not have to sweat a drop.) Put on clean, well fitting clothes for going out, not workout attire.
While not untrue, you missed the larger point. The seeking of a partner, is itself, detrimental to finding one. It is highly unlikely to BE something fun, interesting, caring, lovable FOR someone while you are busy trying to fill a gap IN yourself.
You guys are funny. A good girl doesn't just fall into your lap by chance. Too many guys over the years have believed that there is someone out there they are bound to be with and that it will just happen by chance and it's meant to be. That might happen for a couple people, but for most people, it's a fight. It's like the nature documentaries where there is one female snake and a hundred male snakes fighting over her. It *IS* like applying for a job. The general masses of men do not get women by just being themselves and doing what makes them happy. It only works that way in fantasyland - this is the real world.
I would love to hear from the people who are in solid, committed relationships. Is there ONE of you who feels that meeting, falling in love and etc. had a single solitary thing to do with a fight? Like you applied for a job and was accepted?
I've been thinking lately that one of the most depressing things is when you are single, and yet you are sitting around not doing anything in particular to make yourself more amenable to finding a good partner.
So lately I've tried to do at least one or two small things every day that would advance me in that category, while also start to plan for slightly bigger things every once in a awhile.
For example,
Small thing: Today I'm going to go for a run, because it's a healthy thing to do for your body and mind, and because it's better to actively engage in activities than to be a lazy slob who sits around and does nothing.
Small thing: When I spend the day in town, I'm going to dress decently nice and not just lazy in sweats, because being a sloppy dress will make you less attractive in general to females.
Large thing: I'm going to begin a workout regimen to get myself in better shape and make my body much more attractive and desirable.
Large thing: I'm going to learn and get good at a skill or interest, especially something a lot of other people in this area enjoy doing socially, in order to meet more people and set myself up for success.
Does that make sense? It not only is proactively bettering your odds for finding someone, but it also helps you feel better about yourself and your life because you are being proactive about it and not just sitting around bitter over what's not happening in your life.
So, list away!
To be really honest, if these things are EXTRAS that you do IN ORDER to find a mate, then you are a cave troll and need to get a life. Getting dressed instead of being lazy? Interest in fitness? Seriously, those are just things worthy of human beings of all walks.
I have a partner. I do those things anyway. For ME. Finding a partner is not like finding a job. You don't apply, then get accepted based on a set of qualifications as much of this board seems to think. Interpersonal relationships, at least good ones, don't work like that. You don't FIND a partner so much a allow people in. My list would look something like this
- Be a good person. Have a good moral code and live by it.
- Be a healthy person of mind and body.
- Be a fun and happy person.
- Be a good friend, family member with caring, fun, joy and love.
- See people for themselves, not for their potential to fill some gap in you by being a "partner".
And then let life happen.
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The seeking of a partner, is itself, detrimental to finding one. It is highly unlikely to BE something fun, interesting, caring, lovable FOR someone while you are busy trying to fill a gap IN yourself.
^^^^ All of this.
What the OP has mentioned are great efforts, but for the wrong reason. You improve yourself for yourself, to be a better person for no reason other than self-improvement. The minute you're trying to change yourself for what you think someone else wants, you've already failed.
He asked for a list of things people can do to make themselves more attractive to a potential mate. Staying yourself does nothing but keep the status quo and does not improve anything.
I would love to hear from the people who are in solid, committed relationships. Is there ONE of you who feels that meeting, falling in love and etc. had a single solitary thing to do with a fight? Like you applied for a job and was accepted?
Nope. All of my relationships were by chance. Interestingly enough, any guy I ever had my sights on, nothing worked out. It all happened when I least expected it to. I was open to meeting someone but it wasn't what I thought of all day. And I also didn't concern myself with how hot they were. If there was something appealing about them and they seemed genuine, that was plenty to give someone a chance at a date or two. I've not run across people IRL with such standards of perfection as I see in some of the folks on CD.
You know what's ironic about this string of responses?
If someone started a topic saying, "I'll be alone my whole life - I'm never going to find a girl," as many people do on this forum, people would respond saying:
"Well of course if you just sit there you WILL be alone your whole life. Get in shape and have some confidence. Go out and join a cooking class, a yoga class or a meditation class. There are lots of girls at things like that. Start a book club and invite local women to it. Do some volunteer work at places women will be."
Admit it - that's the exact response everyone gives on this forum. Almost all of which sound like terrible, not-fun ideas to the average guy.
And yet when someone starts a topic looking for suggestions on how to go out and make things happen, people say you can't proactively better your odds of finding a girl with your actions.
I'm thinking some people on here have a little bit of ODD.
I'm not really into this "doing stuff to make people like you" thing. I have never suggested on this forum or elsewhere for people to do this.
On the one hand, I understand the whole concept of bettering yourself to make yourself a more ideal mate.
On the other hand, if you're not doing stuff you like and doing it for you, you're not likely going to keep doing it once you have a mate. And that is total bait-and-switch b.s.
Do stuff for yourself. Look nice for yourself. Work out for your own health. Get involved in activities you enjoy and help out your community because it's the right thing to do and it betters your own life.
Don't target and direct things towards "becoming awesome to get a mate." It's fakery in the end and I don't think the results will necessarily pan out.
You know what's ironic about this string of responses?
If someone started a topic saying, "I'll be alone my whole life - I'm never going to find a girl," as many people do on this forum, people would respond saying:
"Well of course if you just sit there you WILL be alone your whole life. Get in shape and have some confidence. Go out and join a cooking class, a yoga class or a meditation class. There are lots of girls at things like that. Start a book club and invite local women to it. Do some volunteer work at places women will be."
Having a life is certainly necessary. But do you realize that you are lumping all answers and posters as if they are all saying the same thing? I know that I have responded with the exact same thoughts in those types of threads a thousand times.
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Admit it - that's the exact response everyone gives on this forum. Almost all of which sound like terrible, not-fun ideas to the average guy.
Getting dressed is not fun? Having interests is not fun? If these things are the case, then forget it. No you will never find anyone.
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And yet when someone starts a topic looking for suggestions on how to go out and make things happen, people say you can't proactively better your odds of finding a girl with your actions.
I'm thinking some people on here have a little bit of ODD.
Huh. Happily married for 20 years. Continuing to share love, joy, sex, fun, friendship. Odd? Your call.
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