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Location: Fort Bend County, TX/USA/Mississauga, ON/Canada
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Hey everyone, long time no see! I have to vent for a bit, I try to not be a "nitpicky" person, but sometimes I can't help it...anyways...here I go. Some background info on me:
DH and I are newlyweds, a little over than a year but he has always been extremely cynical. I have ignored it often, but it has gotten to me very much especially last night. He has always had tantrums as a kid & grew up a very spoiled child. The exact opposite of me---we have very different upbringings. I am an American of Hispanic/Caribbean descent & was taught the value of hard work, to never complain, etc.. My parents are immigrants to the USA, I'm black. He is from Spain, white, grew up in an abusive, dysfunctional household & his mother is kind, but a very weak, enabling woman. He grew up in a small town. I'm not saying I'm better than him, but we have very different outlooks on life. He has only been in the USA for almost 2 years now.
He is 11 yrs older than me (36) & I am 25. I have a college education & he is pursuing a degree here in the US.
Basically, he has very negative energy & has a very short fuse/hotheaded temper. For example, he bought a used car over the weekend & the SRS light/Emissions light came on. He is very dramatic like a good Spaniard & says his life is horrible, that living in the USA is a living hell, & that he is having a very hard time adjusting. In short, he complains about EVERYTHING & it drives me NUTS .
Before everyone thinks I am the Pollyanna here, he does have very good traits. He is patient with me, a good provider, listener, & lover, but when he has little tantrum/blowouts--I don't know what I am supposed to do...
I feel like he brings on a lot of negative energy on himself? Any advice? I don't know if he can change his mindset, he has a come A LONG WAY from where he once was. He calls himself a "realist." I am sure it is because of his background. Please no one attack me. I'm a bit emotional & PMSing too...
I have found that some people generally have a negativity bias to almost everything in the world. It's like they perceive the world as a place out to get them, so they are constantly defensive and alert to slights. They can change but it takes work.
And I was married 14 years to a person like that, now my ex. It was exhausting. If someone parked in front of our house he would stomp around hollering "why do they have to pick our house to park in front of. I don't want to look at that stupid car all day".
Location: Fort Bend County, TX/USA/Mississauga, ON/Canada
2,702 posts, read 6,030,437 times
Reputation: 2304
Quote:
Originally Posted by burgler09
No need to attack you, but wouldn't this have come up before you were married..?
Believe me, it came up. We worked through it. I try to look at his better qualities but man, when he is mad, he is mad. Its like "if daddy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"
The only thing I can suggest is not to take on his emotions when he has an outburst.
Don't try to rush in and placate or solve or comfort. His behavior is unacceptable, so in the moment, you walk away.
It's a personality problem, though, and won't go away without intensive therapy.
In short, disengage in the moment. You can try to talk to him about it in general, but like I said, therapy is the only answer. He sounds like a big baby.
And please use reliable birth control. He is in NO WAY ready to be a parent.
Location: Fort Bend County, TX/USA/Mississauga, ON/Canada
2,702 posts, read 6,030,437 times
Reputation: 2304
Quote:
Originally Posted by luckodeirish
I have found that some people generally have a negativity bias to almost everything in the world. It's like they perceive the world as a place out to get them, so they are constantly defensive and alert to slights. They can change but it takes work.
And I was married 14 years to a person like that, now my ex. It was exhausting. If someone parked in front of our house he would stomp around hollering "why do they have to pick our house to park in front of. I don't want to look at that stupid car all day".
I wish you luck.
That's how I feel like he is, not about every little thing, but MANY things lol. His sister & mom are like that too, very negative & constantly defensive. Don't get me wrong, they are nice people. But they call everyone "thieves, etc." A very third-world mindset if you will. My parents are immigrants from Latin America & the Caribbean & I've met people who have that kind of mindset too...I'm not trying to sound elitist but I feel like it sometimes is perceived by not having an education.
Although there are many people who are socially & academically intelligent w/o having gone to college.
Believe me, it came up. We worked through it. I try to look at his better qualities but man, when he is mad, he is mad. Its like "if daddy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"
I have delt with a 2 year relationship with a person like this. I don't have much that I can tell you, because I ended the relationship. It was mentally exhausting. I feel your pain and understand you, but apart from having him go to a psychologist.. I don't have any advice I can give you.
It came up before marriage and you married him anyway. Did you think marriage was going to change him?
You both need to seek therapy, him for his childish tantrums and you to try and figure out why you voluntarily married this guy knowing about this issue.
Location: Fort Bend County, TX/USA/Mississauga, ON/Canada
2,702 posts, read 6,030,437 times
Reputation: 2304
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
The only thing I can suggest is not to take on his emotions when he has an outburst.
Don't try to rush in and placate or solve or comfort. His behavior is unacceptable, so in the moment, you walk away.
It's a personality problem, though, and won't go away without intensive therapy.
In short, disengage in the moment. You can try to talk to him about it in general, but like I said, therapy is the only answer. He sounds like a big baby.
And please use reliable birth control. He is in NO WAY ready to be a parent.
Thanks Wmsn4life, yeah I'm trying to be rational about everything & yes we are using protection haha. I also believe it takes alot to "rework" that kind of personality issue. Thanks for your kind advice.
Location: Fort Bend County, TX/USA/Mississauga, ON/Canada
2,702 posts, read 6,030,437 times
Reputation: 2304
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
It came up before marriage and you married him anyway. Did you think marriage was going to change him?
You both need to seek therapy, him for his childish tantrums and you to try and figure out why you voluntarily married this guy knowing about this issue.
No, actually, I am not one of those women trying to change him after the marriage. He knows my faults & I know his & I can agree that we should both go to counseling..
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I'm a bit emotional & PMSing too...
