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General question and maybe someone can provide some insight or advice. Got married late 20s, great woman. She's a very strong and beautiful woman. My problem is she has a ferocious temper and I'm a very calm, relaxed personality.
We're on year 6 of marriage and I am NOT MISERABLE, but NOT HAPPY.. NOT Unsatisfied, but not SATISFIED. We're both very attractive and on the surface everyone thinks we're the perfect couple. We have no children and I make most of the income and pay all of the bills. She got her first job a year ago, it's part-time, all of her income is used for makeup products and shopping. However, she is highly educated, well-traveled and bilingual.
When we first got married she would complain about my bachelor style apartment, my lack of promotions compared to my colleagues and how we needed more money. She complained so much, I got more aggressive and went from making $75K a year, to now $200K+ by making some changes in my career path. The woman has definitely done some good in my life...
I've reached the point where I'm researching divorce and seriously considering getting a lawyer to start the process. I don't think this can be repaired and I'm frankly not up to it. We have no children, so this should be a clean break. I have no problem taking care of her living arrangements for a bit, while she transitions in our separation. At this point, I'm just ready to be FREE again.
Obviously I was in love with her at some point, but it sort of faded. The damage from her rages and verbal insults just really took a toll on me. Another thing is the screaming, she does it when in an argument; she claims it's the only way she can get my attention. It's not something that I've ever encountered in a relationship before. I'm generally non-reactionary to it, which makes it even worse. She eventually calms down, but it's all just too much for me.
@timberline742 THANKS for the advice. I think the other part of it is we didn't live together before we got married. So some things I discovered during the marriage. After the first year, its just been more of a continued decline.
She's a great person, and I think we'd remain good friends after we part.
Here's my list of reservations I have about divorcing, WARNING some are SERIOUSLY SELFISH.
1) single life sucked for me in my 20s. I was super-paranoid about STDs the whole time. I recall having casual (protected) sex and then self-diagnosing myself for several weeks - like, "what's this bump here ? was that here before ?". lmao.
2) how much is this going to cost me? (divorce, alimony) $200K is not as much money as ppl think it is...
3) i have panic attacks pretty often and my wife generally calms me down enough, to where I don't feel I need to call ER.
4) wife is an excellent cook.
JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING, I never had a panic attack until I got married... Wondering if my wife is the cause ?!? They are pretty debilitating for me.
Dude...
1) i too was super-paranoid about STDs. After a while you just learn to accept the risk and be responsible about getting tested and using protection. And screen your partners a bit, too. After the first time a doctor told me I likely had herpes, and I accepted it as fact, only to be told later I just had skin sensitivities.... it's just not worth the angst. Be sensible, accept the risk and live your life.
2) It will be worth it. Scale your life down. Where you live? NYC? If so, your perspective on what's important is likely way off - trust me.
3) Yeah, your wife is probably the trigger for your panic attacks. That's why when she's focused on soothing you, you calm down.
4) SERIOUSLY? Are you 12? Cook your own damn food or find a healthy takeout place.
Dude... I had no idea of the extent of her anger issues. I knew she was tough, independent and a vocal person if she felt she was being slighted. I just didn't imagine it'd carried over into her interactions with me when we have disagreements.
I'm a very quiet guy, introverted and I have some issues with shyness. So when she blows up and I'm not engaged it comes off as sort of not interested, it's really just too exhausting for me.
Now, granted I'm a quiet guy, but I'm no angel. I do boneheaded stuff, that I'm sure could be a cause for an argument, but not screaming and the crying fits she gets into. I get upset at times too, but I tend to not speak at all for a few hours, put on my headphones and zone out to music or I'll make a comment and be done with it.
How independent could she be when she only works part time and that's only been recently?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Far as the financials, I would voluntarily offer to pay her transitional support of maybe $1-2k a month for two years in hopes of giving a chance to get on her feet and convincing her not to fight for longer term alimony. I would then lool into mediation if your divorce is cordial which is cheaper than spending hours on lawyers and in court.
Well, no one can make you care if you don't anymore, but IMO you have some issues you need to work on. A clean break and starting over isn't going to cure your inability to communicate during an argument, your disinterest in working to solve things in the moment, yet laughing and joking and brushing it off afterward. Maybe with her it's dragging on and on because there isn't ever a resolution to the problems, you're simply avoiding them, and her, until her upset dies down.
I'm not pinning this all on you but IMO you are equally responsible for your marital issues and you could change if you wanted to. But you're still going to be you, no matter who you're with.
You got some things spot on and I agree with you for the most part. It's also a mix of me just throwing in the towel. I think with no children involved, I'm more optimistic about moving on and finding love again.
I think subconsciously I may have checked out of the relationship after a few arguments that cut pretty deep. I never knew what verbal abuse was until I got in this relationship. I'm a military veteran, so I know hazing and I can handle most things, I'm not a soft guy by any means...it's just that I never imagined this type of anger coming from a girlfriend or a spouse for that matter. I've never experienced arguments to this level in any relationship. I think that's what made things unrepairable in my mind.
I would suggest talking to her about her and see where that goes, sometimes people don't know about themselves until someone they care about tells them, then if you don't know how, try counseling. She may be open to changing if she loves you. The grass isn't always greener and the next women may have bigger issues. I would say if you love this women, put in the hard work like you do your job. It would be worth it in the end.
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