Trust issues, it's time to fix it. (dating, girlfriend, woman)
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I'm 20 years old to clarify this.Well I've always knew that I've had trust issues. And started after my first ever serious highschool relationship. I was cheated on and lied to frequently. Since than I never really trusted another girlfriend to the full extent. I would always either question what they said, or snoop on their facebook or phone, regardless if we were in a dispute or not. I always okay with it to be honest and felt no girl was worth me trying to get over my trust issues.
Well i think i found a girl that is worth getting over my issues and fears. Sure im only 20 years old but she's amazing.. She makes me smile regardless of what she does, I always enjoy spending time with her etc. We started talking about 4-5 months ago and have been dating for about 2 months and a few weeks ago a issue started. Her ex and her started talking again. At first I didn't care. But it got more frequent and even in front of me, whena nother guy texted her she wouldnt respond in front of me and i took it as she wanted to give me her time. but if he texted her she would respond instand and she would always want to keep the conversation going. I told her that it made me worry and freaked me out due to my past and she said I'll stop talking to him if you want. I told her I didn't want to control her at all and she can talk to him just know that it worries me. Well she kept doing it.. I finally broke downa nd told her that I dont want them talking and she got defensive and told me that they were only talking about a festival coming up and the medication side affects that he was taking. I didn't believe her reasoning why they were talking. Few days later, I snooped on her phone.. found out they were jsut conversating all day, every day and she was lying to him about me. Her and i were at denny's having a late night dinner and she told him she was at denny's and he asked if she was alone. She responded with, "no im with a few coworkers, they are buying me ice cream." I got super upset about the fact she lied about me, made me feel under-appreciated and not important. I talked to her and asked her to just tell me the truth and stop the bull****. She said and I quote, "I'm really sorry, I won't talk to him again, I promise.. I was just seeing if there was feelings between us still and I know for sure that there aren't." It wrecked me that she was seeing if her ex and her still ahd a shot at it while she was dating me but I took it as a what ever and just glad she told me the truth.
Well the other night (4 days later), I snooped again.. .. and found out they talked the other day. Was not a serious conversation but the fact she broke a promise and knows that i don't like her talking to him and still did got to me. Confronted her and she told me to please stop going threw her phone and"they broke up over a year ago. If I was going to get back together with him it would've already happened but I don't want that. I just want to be with you." I responded with telling her that If she wants me to be able tot rust her, does she think that lying and not living up to what she told me is going to help; I told you from he beginning that my trust is hard to gain and I trusted you with everything and I want to again. she responded with "I know i'll do whatever it takes to gain it back like I've said a million times im not good enough or you and this is one of the reasons why".
And tonight shes going out with a few of her old guy friends to celebrate her graduation and im sitting here and my mind is just screwing with me, "what if she gets drunk and one of them tries to bang her and she lets them." and i need to stop..
Now to my trust issues. I feel this girl is worth it and I want to trust her and have an amazing relationship with her but don't know where to start to start trusting her and get over my trust issues. If you guys can please help me that would be great. Thanks in advance
It sounds like you are kind of confused about what is your trust issues and what is an actually an untrustworthy person.
And that confusion is a good sign. It is very healthy that you know these are two seperate things -- you know that your issues might make you distrust someone when you should trust them.
But in this case, this woman is not someone I would date. I would break up with her because I would consider her not honest enough for me. And I do not have trust issues .
(I do, however, have strong feelings about honesty and I do not tolerate lies that many other people would. Full disclosure.)
For me, lying to another guy about us (saying she was with coworkers at Denny's) would be a dealbreaker. I do not date someone who lies about our relationship. Lying about having cut off the friendship is just icing on the cake.
When you find someone who is trustworthy, you won't have to worry if she is talking to her ex. She won't be thinking of leaving you; they will just be friends. And that is ok.
But, in this case, your intuition was correct. Good job, intuition. And I am sorry for your heartache .
It sounds like you are kind of confused about what is your trust issues and what is an actually an untrustworthy person.
And that confusion is a good sign. It is very healthy that you know these are two seperate things -- you know that your issues might make you distrust someone when you should trust them.
But in this case, this woman is not someone I would date. I would break up with her because I would consider her not honest enough for me. And I do not have trust issues .
(I do, however, have strong feelings about honesty and I do not tolerate lies that many other people would. Full disclosure.)
For me, lying to another guy about us (saying she was with coworkers at Denny's) would be a dealbreaker. I do not date someone who lies about our relationship. Lying about having cut off the friendship is just icing on the cake.
When you find someone who is trustworthy, you won't have to worry if she is talking to her ex. She won't be thinking of leaving you; they will just be friends. And that is ok.
But, in this case, your intuition was correct. Good job, intuition. And I am sorry for your heartache .
That's where I'm at, confused on if i should trust her or if she's a girl thats untrustworthy due to what has happened..
I also don't deal with lying either, but there's something about her.. I don't want to break up with her at all, I want to see our relationship where it was the first few weeks, before she started talking to her ex. That is the only thing that has happened and if he just go's away, i feel it will get better.
edit: Today was her graduation party and I met her WHOLE family. It was nice to actually meet them and when i left I told her that it made me feel good and i appreciated that i got to meet them, and that i didn't know if all her ex's have met them but i feel honored to. She told me to never compare me to her ex's because i'm nothing like them.
She always tells me that i'm her favorite and she is really happy that she has me etc. but i feel her actions speak louder than words
The trust issues are all yours and you appear to be looking for a reason not to trust someone.
Let this girl get on with her life because you will never trust her.
Seek professional help immediately.
There is no reason for you to be snooping around her phone, email, facebook whatever.
The phone is hers and hers alone, none of your business and you should never tell someone they cannot talk to or see someone because "you don't like it".
Get over it you are not in control of their entire life.
A lot of people have been lied to and cheated on and do not resort to snooping and looking for a reason to try and manipulate someone into dropping friends.
I was cheated on while I was pregnant with my first child and I found out later that my Husband who was cheating on me got his girlfriend pregnant while I was pregnant.
I divorced him, moved on and did not take my cheating baggage with me and accuse someone else "just because it happened in the past".
That's where I'm at, confused on if i should trust her or if she's a girl thats untrustworthy due to what has happened..
I also don't deal with lying either, but there's something about her.. I don't want to break up with her at all,
Well, you are both young and learning about relationships. Is she willing to learn to lie less?
It might help to ask her what lying was like in her family, growing up. Did she have to do it a lot? How did she pick up the habit? You could try to make the conversation less about you and her and more about what she needs in order to be more honest.
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I want to see our relationship where it was the first few weeks, before she started talking to her ex. That is the only thing that has happened and if he just go's away, i feel it will get better.
No, a healthy solution is when she is friends with her ex, and goes to parties where there are other guys, and you do not need to worry. That's the scenario you need to aim for. One where she can be trusted, and you can trust. Not one where there have to be a lot of rules for you to feel safe.
Quote:
edit: Today was her graduation party and I met her WHOLE family. It was nice to actually meet them and when i left I told her that it made me feel good and i appreciated that i got to meet them, and that i didn't know if all her ex's have met them but i feel honored to. She told me to never compare me to her ex's because i'm nothing like them.
She always tells me that i'm her favorite and she is really happy that she has me etc. but i feel her actions speak louder than words
No, a healthy solution is when she is friends with her ex, and goes to parties where there are other guys, and you do not need to worry. That's the scenario you need to aim for. One where she can be trusted, and you can trust. Not one where there have to be a lot of rules for you to feel safe.
The family thing sounds good .
So what can I do/say to get to this point. I want to be able to not be worrying about if something back is going to happen.
Whenever you snoop, you have to be prepared for anything you find.
So now that you found it, you don't like it. Next step?
I confronted her,a nd we talked about it.. i don't know what to do next step
edit: I told her,
" I know that i have trust issues and i thnk your worth geting over them for.. IW ant ot not worry about if im not good enough, getting lied to/used etc. and I want you to know that I'm trying to work on it but i cant do it by myself.. helping me by putting my mind at ease, showing commitment(im not saying oyur not) etc. I want us to work and dont wnat me to ruin anything.." and she just responded with" im trying, i just dont know what else i can do.."
Last edited by Cwilly; 05-24-2014 at 08:12 PM..
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.. and found out they talked the other day. Was not a serious conversation but the fact she broke a promise and knows that i don't like her talking to him and still did got to me. Confronted her and she told me to please stop going threw her phone and"they broke up over a year ago. If I was going to get back together with him it would've already happened but I don't want that. I just want to be with you." I responded with telling her that If she wants me to be able tot rust her, does she think that lying and not living up to what she told me is going to help; I told you from he beginning that my trust is hard to gain and I trusted you with everything and I want to again. she responded with "I know i'll do whatever it takes to gain it back like I've said a million times im not good enough or you and this is one of the reasons why".
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