Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm in a very loving relationship, my boyfriend checks all the boxes for a great partner, at least emotionally and mentally. The thing about him that's been bothering me is... He's 25 and he has no ambition. It's a problem for me because even though I'm only 21, I think about our future a lot. I obviously want us to get married and have a family together one day. I'm in university, and constantly dwelling on my future. He's 25, never gone to college before and spends his time everyday doing nothing. We don't live together.
He's told me that, he feels comfortable in his situation because rents and bills are being paid, and he doesn't need a lot of money to be happy. I've been told that as his partner, I should respect his desires as not everyone gets happiness from the career capital lifestyle, that as long as bills and rent are being paid- there isn't a problem and I should support him. I want to put it out there that I don't care how much money he makes in his job, I just want him to commit to something instead of doing nothing but be on his laptop and watch tv all day everyday. I tried bringing this up to him but it's a touchy subject for him and he closes up when it's brought up, so I don't do it much. I'm thinking maybe it's because he's scared of something and depressed. This is why I blame myself for being unhappy with his lack of ambitions, I feel like this is my problem of being insecure or vain and not his problem.
What bothers me is how is able to pay his rent and bills.
He pays rent through a.) the benefit allowances he get from mental/emotional issues, housing benefits from "unemployment" b.) his "job"- self employment selling concession foods and over inflating them to make profit-- even though this does give him good profit, it's not a job that'll last forever.
So despite receiving unemployment benefits, he does have a source of income the government doesn't know about. Even though he's had serious anxiety issues in his past, he doesnt now, at least not being as serious as needing to receive free money from it. I feel like he's just scamming the government
It's just something that goes against my morals. I don't tell him that because I feel like I have to support him as a girlfriend.
So even though he does pay his rent and bills, he gets that money from a twisted path and his job isn't a real "job", neither is it permanent either.
Do I have a platform/right reason to worry about this? Or am I just being too superficial and not respecting his individual enough with wanting him to pursue a real job path and not be the way he is?
Note: even though he has immoral ways, he is very empathetic and loving to people in general and can be a great counsellor. I feel like the immoral stuff he does is a result of the influence his dad has on him who also thinks of ways to work the system to his benefit.
Last edited by Buttercream; 06-20-2014 at 09:18 PM..
I didn't read the thread, just the opening line... no... you aren't right to change him.. you don't like him... move on......... simple...... save yourself some grief....
It's great he's so loving. But thing is, he is taking care of bills, and rent. he is happy with his life. He may shut down because he's tried of you bringing it up and seemingly looking down on his lifestyle that he's comfortable with, as if he's doing something bad--like drugs or drinking.
From what you say, he is happy with his life. So he sees no reason to change it. If you love him, you have to accept him for him. if you can't, you'll have to leave. Because if someone sees no issues and won't change, you have 2 choices.
1. Stay and put up with them, and don't nag to them, because you already know who they are, and what they're about, and you stuck around.
2. Break Up because you aren't happy with how they are, and can't change them. You can only control yourself, and if your partner makes you unhappy, then you need to handle your happiness.
It's great he's so loving. But thing is, he is taking care of bills, and rent. he is happy with his life. He may shut down because he's tried of you bringing it up and seemingly looking down on his lifestyle that he's comfortable with, as if he's doing something bad--like drugs or drinking.
From what you say, he is happy with his life. So he sees no reason to change it. If you love him, you have to accept him for him. if you can't, you'll have to leave. Because if someone sees no issues and won't change, you have 2 choices.
1. Stay and put up with them, and don't nag to them, because you already know who they are, and what they're about, and you stuck around.
2. Break Up because you aren't happy with how they are, and can't change them. You can only control yourself, and if your partner makes you unhappy, then you need to handle your happiness.
But if you read where he's getting his bills and rent paid, you'd see why I'm concerned.
He gets them paid by benefit allowance money from filing unemployment due to illness- even though he's fine, and from low income housing even though he has a job and the government thinks he doesn't. His job is a concession worker and it's not permanent because it's reliant on the venue, of which the venue isn't going to be there forever
But if you read where he's getting his bills and rent paid, you'd see why I'm concerned.
He gets them paid by benefit allowance money from filing unemployment due to illness- even though he's fine, and from low income housing even though he has a job and the government thinks he doesn't. His job is a concession worker and it's not permanent because it's reliant on the venue, of which the venue isn't going to be there forever
So essentially you are trying to convince yourself that it's okay be in a relationship with someone who blatantly commits insurance fraud via unemployment as well as tax evasion because he certainly isn't reporting his side income to the IRS. It doesn't sound like he has no ambition, it sounds like he's perfectly fine having the system take care of him. If that's the case he has no motivation to move beyond his level of comfort. It's much like the scene in that move Precious where her mom tells her not to show how smart she can be because she'll mess up their situation. He has what he thinks is a lifestyle that is "good enough" so from his perspective, why risk ruining it.
Last edited by omaraz; 06-20-2014 at 10:34 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
