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We identify as monogamous and have no problem being exclusive when we choose to. We have FWBs and have fun on the side from time to time. I'm not polyamorous. I did contemplate the possibility, but I don't attach to anyone but him. Dan Savage calls it "monogamish."
I'll be honest, I wouldn't mind an open relationship. The sex is good between my wife and I, but every now and then I wouldn't mind something "different".
I prefer monogamy... but I've accepted the reality that with what I want from a man, chances are, it might not happen.
I just want a casual relationship. See a man a few times a month, have fun, date, have sex, etc. I don't want to be the #1 priority in his life because right not, I can't offer that to any man. I don't want a super serious relationship. I am not looking for a potential husband. I just want a companion to share some of life's moments with and do fun things with. Maybe in time I might want more, but right now... I just want to date and maybe, at best, be someone's girlfriend.
Having said that, from what I've read here, most men wouldn't be satisfied with that. They say if they only see a woman 3-4 times a month, they need more. So In that regard, I might need to make the sacrifice and realize that he might not be only dating me (even if I prefer him too).
But MY reality has been, ever man I've dated, hasn't really had other options like the guys here have. The man I am dating now (been on three dates with at this point) hasn't had a date other than me in over a year. The man I dated before him had not had a date or sex in eight years.
But no matter what a man I date does or doesn't do, I am not the type to sleep with more than one man at a time. Just not my thing.
Last edited by jillabean; 07-10-2014 at 06:58 AM..
Stop me if you've heard this one, I may have mentioned it on another thread.
About a week ago I was at a theme park with my wife, her workout partner, and an old friend of her workout partner's. One man, three women, a total of eight kids. My wife jokingly noted we looked like a polygamist family and all three of them started calling me "honey" and telling all the kids to "obey their father" and doing so with others close by so as to draw attention. We did get a few looks.
But in all seriousness, I am happily committed to one woman.
I prefer monogamy... but I've accepted the reality that with what I want from a man, chances are, it might not happen.
I just want a casual relationship. See a man a few times a month, have fun, date, have sex, etc. I don't want to be the #1 priority in his life because right not, I can't offer that to any man. I don't want a super serious relationship. I am not looking for a potential husband. I just want a companion to share some of life's moments with and do fun things with. Maybe in time I might want more, but right now... I just want to date and maybe, at best, be someone's girlfriend.
Having said that, from what I've read here, most men wouldn't be satisfied with that. They say if they only see a woman 3-4 times a month, they need more. So In that regard, I might need to make the sacrifice and realize that he might not be only dating me (even if I prefer him too).
But MY reality has been, ever man I've dated, hasn't really had other options like the guys here have. The man I am dating now (been on three dates with at this point) hasn't had a date other than me in over a year. The man I dated before him had not had a date or sex in eight years.
But no matter what a man I date does or doesn't do, I am not the type to sleep with more than one man at a time. Just not my thing.
"be someone's girlfriend."
What's the benefit of the "Girlfriend" title vs. just dating?
"be someone's girlfriend."
What's the benefit of the "Girlfriend" title vs. just dating?
I guess it's a loose definition. Maybe just the acknowledgement that we are dating and that we are a couple of some sorts and not just FWB or something. That there is a romance aspect/mutual feelings involved. I guess it's a throwback to the man I dated earlier this year. He's been a friend of mine for close to 17 years now and we only dated briefly, a few months. As far as I was concerned, the relationship was exactly what I wanted in terms of level of intimacy, my feelings, and time and commitment. But what the main thing that bothered me is that I never knew where I stood with him. I just needed some acknowledgement that I was important to him somehow. Not just someone to knock boots with.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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[OP] wasn't referring to cheating at all, or sleeping around, or having anyone move in to their place.
And what the "majority" of people want is irrelevant, I highly doubt Nila, or most of us, are looking for "most" people. We're looking for the right person or persons for us.
As a person who has been involved in both open relationships from the beginning, and relationships that evolved into open ones, I have seen what the benefits are, and some may surprise you. I've mainly been the third leg of an open relationship, but a couple of times, I was brought in to become friends of both. This was just part of the dynamic the couples needed for this to work. Open relationships are really beneficial to long term partners. Where one person begins to lose interest in sex, while the other person continues to want it. It could be physical reasons, or the way two people start to travel in different directions as times passes.
A couple gets married in their teens. It's pretty difficult for them to grow and mature equally, and on the same path. They really love each other, and don't want to divorce. Everything in their marriage is wonderful, except for sex. Because both didn't have the experience when they got married, they had to learn about their likes and dislikes together. Unfortunately, the husband wasn't a very intuitive lover, while the wife needed more than he could give her. They go through the motions for ten years, and the infrequency becomes too much for the wife to handle. Instead of disrespecting the other, they sit down and try to come up with ideas. They love each other, but because they got married so young, they have evolved differently, and the need for sex is one sided. They decide to open their relationship. Maybe the freedom to be with others will ignite something with the husband. Because they have made an agreement to be 100% open about what is going on, their relationship gets stronger. The wife is allowed to follow her needs sexually, and the husband feels a closeness he hasn't felt before, because his wife is sharing everything with him emotionally. That is something that few couples can claim, 100% transparency in their relationship.
When I had my own open relationship, I found that it brought me much closer to my girlfriend. We shared everything, and it was interesting that both of us didn't immediately go out and find new partners. I suggested that we have an open relationship, so that if we found someone who we were attracted to, that we could act on it, without any guilt. She traveled for work, and I worked long hours, so sometimes we weren't available. This didn't make me think I had a open pass, but what it did allow, was for me to act on my urges, guilt free. We didn't do anything like talk about the encounters the next day, no need to hear the details. The boundaries we set were very simple. No dating, no kissing, and no sleeping over....it was purely for sex. What happened was kind of shocking. We only did it a few times. She had an encounter with the same guy on a business trip. And I had a short relationship locally. It wasn't even done as a tit for tat, we just wanted to do it. It's very liberating to be able to open up and tell your partner about your desires for someone else. To be able to act on an opportunity when it happens. And to be able to share the situation, without any fear of angering the other partner. It was one of the most intimate relationships I have ever had. Unfortunately, we had to split, because she was transferred across the country, and my business is located locally. But who knows, what will happen in the future, years ago I never imagined I'd be ok with sharing my girlfriend. Once you realize, that your partner isn't your property to share, or not, you become ok with the concept.
Never been big on jealousy, but I'm a big fan of simplicity. Open relationships just seem complicated.
This is what I would agree on most.
Sure it might be fun for a few weeks or even months, while you experiment a little, but then what? When someone becomes attached to someone else? I think a person would have to TRY to put up a wall in order to keep from having normal attachments, which means the experience is limited at best, and purely sexual. Which for some is enough.
Personally, in my experience, every time sex is exchanged it isn't just sex. Its a whole laundry list of events between two people. You may not talk about it, but the more you have sex with them, the more a kind of connection grows between you. Eventually the exchange is going to require intimacy and acknowledgement.
I'd be curious to know what the writer found out after a year or more of her open relationship?
Did she realize her husband was enjoying his end of the open relationship a little more? What if she had a dry spell and he didn't? And she was sitting at home watching tv while hes' out having fun? What if she found eventually that she was more strongly attracted to a partner than to her husband. Would she leave him for her partner?
I have a lot of what ifs about this scenario that don't seem at all like this kind of lifestyle choice would be something I'd ever want to try, and not something I'd want to participate in either.
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