Is Monogamy Really For You? (boyfriend, long distance, marry, girls)

[NYC2RDU]

Originally Posted by metamorphosis

THIS is what I would like.
Do you have any brothers? LOL
And why is it so hard to find?

My brother, sadly, is twice divorced. And he and I do not approach relationships the same way despite having been raised by the same parents. Ironically, what's really helped me was great advice from my Dad and an even better example set by both my parents.

But it's harder to find people willing to work on long term relationships because they have come to see and accept divorce as a viable option, something that's somewhat new to our way of life. My philosophy has always been fairly simple: At our lowest points, when my wife and I are most susceptible to splitting up I consider that my odds of finding someone who can make me as happy as she does when things are better (and often great) are slim and that it would be a smarter use of my energy to get us past the rough spot. And it also helps that my wife is at her very best when we've had to endure our worst challenges (e.g. job loss, illness, etc.), something that goes a long, long way towards reinforcing that philosophy.

Or it could simply be that I'm just very lucky to have found the right person and the rest is just words.

[NilaJones]

Thanks, lovesMountains. I think all that has been cleared up. By the wonderful. supportive people who were here when I was not . Y'all know I don't lie to my partners, or trick people, or want to. But skanky folks like that guy, they think everyone is like them.

NYC2RDU, I am very happy for you. And for your wife!

[1w0n]

Originally Posted by NilaJones

Thanks, lovesMountains. I think all that has been cleared up. By the wonderful. supportive people who were here when I was not . Y'all know I don't lie to my partners, or trick people, or want to. But skanky folks like that guy, they think everyone is like them.

NYC2RDU, I am very happy for you. And for your wife!

You know why he is like that, he is a cheater, or a PITA to live with and gets cheated on. Good people with higher values can be both monogamous as well as poly, both types of relationships thrive on communication, honesty, respect and support. Just because some can be free to enjoy, doesn't make them any less of a person.

[rego00123]

Originally Posted by NilaJones

Thanks, lovesMountains. I think all that has been cleared up. By the wonderful. supportive people who were here when I was not . Y'all know I don't lie to my partners, or trick people, or want to. But skanky folks like that guy, they think everyone is like them.

NYC2RDU, I am very happy for you. And for your wife!

I have certainly never taken you as a cheat or lier.
I think your posting history speaks of your character and views pretty well.

Some people just don't understand because they simply do not want to listen....or in this case read

[Chowhound]

I don't care if someone is into that, whatever works for each "group" people. I just say as others have said as long as everyone is onboard and is aware of the situation.

My only rub is don't sell it to me like it's the "norm", again, not judging in saying that, I just mean purely statistically speaking much more people are not poly, but just anecdotally it seems like the poly people seem to spin it like it's a pretty common and everyday thing...

[TabulaRasa]

I'm a one-to-one person. If others prefer polyamory to monogamy, hey, if that's their bag, more power to them. But I know myself very well, as well, and am comfortable with my expectations and desires.

[Frihed89]

I choose monogamy. I don't make verbal pledges, and i wasn't asked to. I promised myself, only. My affairs outside of marriage with my ex caused us only pain. I never want to go through such pain again or inflict it on anyone else. I like myself too much.

[NilaJones]

Originally Posted by Chowhound

I don't care if someone is into that, whatever works for each "group" people. I just say as others have said as long as everyone is onboard and is aware of the situation.

My only rub is don't sell it to me like it's the "norm", again, not judging in saying that, I just mean purely statistically speaking much more people are not poly, but just anecdotally it seems like the poly people seem to spin it like it's a pretty common and everyday thing...

There is a certain kind of poly/open newbie who goes on and on about how nonmonogamy is natural to everyone (just because it is natural to them), and how all monogamous relationships are full of lies/fakery/cheating (just because theirs were). They bug the crap out of me... the same way that people who are new to, say, sustainability and think it was just invented last week bug me.

I try to keep my snobbery to myself... mostly. But your post gave me an excuse .

Then there are folks like me, and I think Justjulia, and Timberline, who really do hang out in social circles, and live in parts of the world, where a lot of people are some form of open. And we might forget that that's not everyone's norm.

Or, you know, maybe it's a distinction without a difference .

Originally Posted by Frihed89

I choose monogamy. I don't make verbal pledges, and i wasn't asked to. I promised myself, only. My affairs outside of marriage with my ex caused us only pain. I never want to go through such pain again or inflict it on anyone else. I like myself too much.

A very wise post, IMO.

[NilaJones]

(BTW, I really am touched by all the kind comments directed at me in this thread. I have been feeling kind of down on myself lately, and y'all made me feel better. I know that wasn't the point, but it's neat to feel seen, and liked. It even motivated me to be kinder and gentler in my own posts .)

[JustJulia]

Originally Posted by NilaJones

There are folks like me, and I think Justjulia, and Timberline, who really do hang out in social circles, and live in parts of the world, where a lot of people are some form of open. And we might forget that that's not everyone's norm.

Oh, I'll be the first one to say our marriage is not the norm and that it's not for everyone. I do tend to argue when someone pontificates that my marriage isn't real or we don't love one another or shouldn't have gotten married or whatever, and maybe I sound preachy. I also believe that honest communication and letting go of possessiveness and jealousy would do some ailing couples some good--I mean, look at all the threads where someone is aggrieved over porn or looking at other people or flirting.

We live in a straight-laced area, and so we keep that aspect of our lives very private. One of our neighbors already doesn't like us because we politely declined going to her church. I cannot imagine the judgy horror coming from the PTA set if they knew. Then again, when I got a new doctor and gave full disclosure, he told me I'd be surprised at how many others there are around here.