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Congratulations! I agree with others, though - make sure you have a plan and stay strong in your decision. He doesn't deserve yet another chance with you. Otherwise you'll be posting this same thing here when you're 40. Being alone is better than being with an abuser 10 out of 10 times. Don't set a deadline on your single life, either. No need to rush into a new relationship because you don't want to be alone. Get to know who you are again first, and have some fun! Good luck.
You can leave with a clear conscience that you gave him chances to change, and are now doing the right thing for yourself in leaving.
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I guess this post is more of a request for support. I need to get this off my chest. Any input, encouragement, advice is welcome.
So, I've been with my fiance for about 6 years. I do love him and wish we could be together but he has an anger problem. He flies off the handle when he gets upset--he's very sensitive. The problem is how he chooses to express himself instead of just calming himself down, he lashes out at me and says horrible things like "F off" "F you" "take a hike"...just really rude abusive trashy language. I broke up with him, left him for about 6 months a couple years ago because he did not take it seriously that I don't speak like that with people I care about nor would I accept that disrespect of me/the relationship I'm in by having that kind of behavior a part of my world. On top of that I could never have a family with a man who treats me that way. I clearly told him this many times. He tries to make it my fault, manipulate me to drag me into it and take responsibility for his behavior as if I deserved it. Yea right! After that 6 months apart, he promised he changed. It wasn't long after we got back together that he felt he'd done enough good stuff to manipulate me into tolerating that abusive side of him again. He started back up. Two months ago after he did it again I had another conversation with him about it, wasn't taking the psychologist role or buying into his mess, told him that would be that last time he ever spoke to me that way. 'Do you completely understand that if you speak to me that way again, that will be the end of our relationship?' I was very calm and clear.
Funny he seemed like he really had clarity about it...he said he was working on himself...working on his emotional impulses.
Well on the way to a family reunion for the 4th of July, 15 minutes before we were to arrive at the reunion, he tells me to "F off". I was shocked. I ignored it for the sake of getting through the holiday weekend. Then when I addressed it on Monday, he again said it. I just said, "well you made your choice." He knew exactly that I acknowledged that he just ended the relationship. He just said, whatever, good! I could see he was having one of his tantrums. Sure enough he calmed down after a couple hours, he acted like he didn't remember what he did. He had to leave town for work that night but he was trying to act like everything was okay between us. Nope! Not this time. I really deserve better. Simple as that. Life is too good to spend it with someone who doesn't value me, adore the relationship and treat us with high regard. I'm also not going to have my children see a man speak to their mother that way...I'm not going down that road.
This whole week while he's been gone, I've been thinking a lot... feeling so many different emotions from grief, frustration, betrayal, anger, sadness, hope, optimism, self acceptance, self esteem, determination to create a new life, clarity about my future. I'm kind of scared to be alone. I like the feeling of having someone there to support me. There are good things about the relationship, but bottom line I can't marry and have children with a man who acts like that. I'm frightened but I have faith and trust that I will find the right guy for me and won't be single too long. I'm 36 years old so this really sucks to be single again. Especially sucks that I could have left him over this exact issue when I was 31 and still have my early 30s to find the right guy. I do admit though that wonderful things have happened because of him the last 5 years so I guess I don't really regret anything--I've only got THIS moment to set out in a new direction. I can't marry this guy.
I got an apartment and plan to move next weekend. I need to tell him when he gets back tonight that it's over.
Tonight I know that when I tell him, I've got to stay focused on the fact that it's over and keep the conversation from veering off into fights and manipulation. I don't want to give him the floor to do that. I need to prepare myself with this mental focus because he probably will lash out again or try to manipulate me. It doesn't even matter--he'll just reinforce why I'm leaving.
I really need support to walk away and move on with my life...it's scary, but I know it's the right decision.
Please chime in with some encouragement. So much thanks for reading my post.
honey you walked away once because of his anger issues, do it now. dont wait, dont think about it, DO IT! DO IT NOW!! if you stay you will become that battered woman seeking a shelter, or being tossed into jail for killing her SO, complete with trial by jury and press.
i wouldnt even tell him that you are moving out, unless he asks why your clothes are all gone. get everything packed and into storage asap if the apartment is not ready to move into.
and after you leave, NEVER DATE HIM AGAIN. if you are not done with him this time, you never will be, until the aforementioned legal issues come up, or until he beats you to death.
Leaving IS difficult. Have a plan. Have a place to stay. Have money. Then, just leave.
Being thrown into going it alone is scary, but you CAN do it! It isn't easy. BUT, you just can't foresee just how much confidence and self-esteem you will build when you realize that you really are capable of living your life on your own and taking care of yourself. Sure, it's nice to have someone there for emotional support, but after you've been alone and gone through a trying event on your own, you will stand back and think, I did that all by myself - and I did it very well.
Very good points. In my situation, I had no plan, because he came home from work late one day and told me out of nowhere that I'd have to move out. Being the one to end things with the erratic, unstable person has the advantage of allowing you to plan ahead. All told, I had my job and income, found a new home relatively quickly, but it was like a bomb had gone off in my life in those initial weeks. I had lived alone before the majority of my twenties, so it wasn't that daunting to get back into those rhythms, but being thrown into a whole new lifestyle you didn't expect is always an adjustment. I will always be proud of the grace and dignity with which I handled a really crappy situation.
I wouldnt be surprised if he did take it badly. You stayed with him and his behavior for 6 years, which basically justified his actions. I hope things go well for you now, I dont think you'll ever regret this decision.
You're doing the right thing. Make sure you aren't alone when you tell him and do not tell him where you are moving to. You can never be too careful. GL and keep us posted!
I guess this post is more of a request for support. I need to get this off my chest. Any input, encouragement, advice is welcome.
So, I've been with my fiance for about 6 years. I do love him and wish we could be together but he has an anger problem. He flies off the handle when he gets upset--he's very sensitive. The problem is how he chooses to express himself instead of just calming himself down, he lashes out at me and says horrible things like "F off" "F you" "take a hike"...just really rude abusive trashy language. I broke up with him, left him for about 6 months a couple years ago because he did not take it seriously that I don't speak like that with people I care about nor would I accept that disrespect of me/the relationship I'm in by having that kind of behavior a part of my world. On top of that I could never have a family with a man who treats me that way. I clearly told him this many times. He tries to make it my fault, manipulate me to drag me into it and take responsibility for his behavior as if I deserved it. Yea right! After that 6 months apart, he promised he changed. It wasn't long after we got back together that he felt he'd done enough good stuff to manipulate me into tolerating that abusive side of him again. He started back up. Two months ago after he did it again I had another conversation with him about it, wasn't taking the psychologist role or buying into his mess, told him that would be that last time he ever spoke to me that way. 'Do you completely understand that if you speak to me that way again, that will be the end of our relationship?' I was very calm and clear.
Funny he seemed like he really had clarity about it...he said he was working on himself...working on his emotional impulses.
Well on the way to a family reunion for the 4th of July, 15 minutes before we were to arrive at the reunion, he tells me to "F off". I was shocked. I ignored it for the sake of getting through the holiday weekend. Then when I addressed it on Monday, he again said it. I just said, "well you made your choice." He knew exactly that I acknowledged that he just ended the relationship. He just said, whatever, good! I could see he was having one of his tantrums. Sure enough he calmed down after a couple hours, he acted like he didn't remember what he did. He had to leave town for work that night but he was trying to act like everything was okay between us. Nope! Not this time. I really deserve better. Simple as that. Life is too good to spend it with someone who doesn't value me, adore the relationship and treat us with high regard. I'm also not going to have my children see a man speak to their mother that way...I'm not going down that road.
This whole week while he's been gone, I've been thinking a lot... feeling so many different emotions from grief, frustration, betrayal, anger, sadness, hope, optimism, self acceptance, self esteem, determination to create a new life, clarity about my future. I'm kind of scared to be alone. I like the feeling of having someone there to support me. There are good things about the relationship, but bottom line I can't marry and have children with a man who acts like that. I'm frightened but I have faith and trust that I will find the right guy for me and won't be single too long. I'm 36 years old so this really sucks to be single again. Especially sucks that I could have left him over this exact issue when I was 31 and still have my early 30s to find the right guy. I do admit though that wonderful things have happened because of him the last 5 years so I guess I don't really regret anything--I've only got THIS moment to set out in a new direction. I can't marry this guy.
I got an apartment and plan to move next weekend. I need to tell him when he gets back tonight that it's over.
Tonight I know that when I tell him, I've got to stay focused on the fact that it's over and keep the conversation from veering off into fights and manipulation. I don't want to give him the floor to do that. I need to prepare myself with this mental focus because he probably will lash out again or try to manipulate me. It doesn't even matter--he'll just reinforce why I'm leaving.
I really need support to walk away and move on with my life...it's scary, but I know it's the right decision.
Please chime in with some encouragement. So much thanks for reading my post.
Don't waste any more of your precious years with this guy. Move on and you deserve to be happy.
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I told him yesterday. The last 24 hours have been difficult.
He's out of town this whole week. He'll be back late on Friday and I move on Saturday. I know the move will go fine. He sent me a text last night after he flew to a different city for work--- said he meditated during the whole flight. He said he regrets his behavior and knows it's not behavior for a healthy relationship. He asked me to give him the opportunity to send me off with love and asked me to hold off on moving for a few weeks. Nope, that won't be happening. I'm not stuck in a sticky web with that vibe anymore. I wish him well with love. I know moving on is best.
Thanks again for the support.
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So much thanks for reading my post.
Had the discussion
