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My wife and I have been married for 10 years. My wife has numerous emotional problems. She struggles with depression, low self image, alcoholism, etc etc. She's been in treatment, been medicated, gone to meetings, but her struggles continue. This has obviously had a huge impact on our relationship. Unfortunately, things have gotten worse as I've discovered she has been reaching out to other men (plural) that she knows in an inappropriate way. I suspect she has probably acted out and had physical interactions but I don't have proof of that. We've done counseling, and she just lies and downplays anything. Ultimately she promises to change and stop but then I see that she hasn't stopped.
I certainly have plenty of grounds for divorce but we have 2 young kids and I'm not going to put them through that. They are too young to deal with it. Some may disagree but this is my decision and I'm not really looking to have my mind changed, so don't bother.
I guess I have hopes that things will get better but right now I am just disgusted and sad and really bummed that this has played out as it has. I really just don't think my wife is emotionally able to be in a mature relationship.
So what do I do? Again, I'm not leaving. If the relationship is irrevocably broken, do I find someone else? I know that is not the answer, and I know the damage it would do would be significant and ultimately effect our kids as well. But I feel horribly alone, have no real friendships/relationships, and have no one to talk to.
It would be helpful to hear from others in a similarly broken marriage. What did you do? How did you cope? Do you just live separate lives? Have you given up or do you keep trying?
If you refuse to leave for the sake of your kids....
The only thing I can tell you to do is to suck it up and deal with it, and try to work it out. Not trying to be harsh but a lot of people would just leave. You are probably doing your kids more harm by staying with this woman. You won't be able to give them your full undivided attention if you feel this way no matter how hard you try to hide it, your kids will see it.
If you don't leave, your wife probably will. This whole thing is just a train wreck and I feel like you know in your heart things probably won't change. You can't sit there unhappy until your kids are 18, that's too long to stay miserable, and the same goes for your wife.
I know you think you don't want to put your kids through a divorce, but I urge you to think very long and hard about what you are putting them through by continuing the relationship.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years. My wife has numerous emotional problems. She struggles with depression, low self image, alcoholism, etc etc. She's been in treatment, been medicated, gone to meetings, but her struggles continue. This has obviously had a huge impact on our relationship. Unfortunately, things have gotten worse as I've discovered she has been reaching out to other men (plural) that she knows in an inappropriate way. I suspect she has probably acted out and had physical interactions but I don't have proof of that. We've done counseling, and she just lies and downplays anything. Ultimately she promises to change and stop but then I see that she hasn't stopped.
I certainly have plenty of grounds for divorce but we have 2 young kids and I'm not going to put them through that. They are too young to deal with it. Some may disagree but this is my decision and I'm not really looking to have my mind changed, so don't bother.
I guess I have hopes that things will get better but right now I am just disgusted and sad and really bummed that this has played out as it has. I really just don't think my wife is emotionally able to be in a mature relationship.
So what do I do? Again, I'm not leaving. If the relationship is irrevocably broken, do I find someone else? I know that is not the answer, and I know the damage it would do would be significant and ultimately effect our kids as well. But I feel horribly alone, have no real friendships/relationships, and have no one to talk to.
It would be helpful to hear from others in a similarly broken marriage. What did you do? How did you cope? Do you just live separate lives? Have you given up or do you keep trying?
Thanks for listening.
It's just a fact that in life you cannot change anyone but yourself.
I highly suggest you get to a therapist and work your feelings out.
Your wife did not get this way overnight. There were red flags from the early days of your relationship, yet you ignored them and chose to have two kids with her
Please explore why you would have done this to yourself and to them.
Not trying to be harsh, please don't read my words that way okay? It's just that until you do the work to understand your choices and actions you won't really be able to turn things around for yourself and your children.
A good therapist will help you identify the underlying issues and give you ideas for how to cope and move forward.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years. My wife has numerous emotional problems. She struggles with depression, low self image, alcoholism, etc etc. She's been in treatment, been medicated, gone to meetings, but her struggles continue. This has obviously had a huge impact on our relationship. Unfortunately, things have gotten worse as I've discovered she has been reaching out to other men (plural) that she knows in an inappropriate way. I suspect she has probably acted out and had physical interactions but I don't have proof of that. We've done counseling, and she just lies and downplays anything. Ultimately she promises to change and stop but then I see that she hasn't stopped.
I certainly have plenty of grounds for divorce but we have 2 young kids and I'm not going to put them through that. They are too young to deal with it. Some may disagree but this is my decision and I'm not really looking to have my mind changed, so don't bother.
I guess I have hopes that things will get better but right now I am just disgusted and sad and really bummed that this has played out as it has. I really just don't think my wife is emotionally able to be in a mature relationship.
So what do I do? Again, I'm not leaving. If the relationship is irrevocably broken, do I find someone else? I know that is not the answer, and I know the damage it would do would be significant and ultimately effect our kids as well. But I feel horribly alone, have no real friendships/relationships, and have no one to talk to.
It would be helpful to hear from others in a similarly broken marriage. What did you do? How did you cope? Do you just live separate lives? Have you given up or do you keep trying?
Thanks for listening.
Your choice however you are doing your children a disservice raising them in this sort of environment.
Staying together "for the children" rarely turns out well.
If you do not want to seek a divorce then accept the fact that your life will be the same as it is now or worse in the future and learn how to cope with it until your children are 18.
I was in a broken marriage and I walked away, it was best for all of us.
Right or wrong, all I can suggest is get some hobbies and just try and maintain. I know what you mean though and IMO when you have an unstable partner it's better to live in dysfunction just for the kids sake and at least you can better monitor the situation because in all likelyhood if you all split, despite her behavior, she's still going to get the kids. It's kind of like "keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer", because lord knows what's going to go on if she goes off on her own with those kids. I think your on the right path and keep reminding yourself, I'm in this for the kids.
If you refuse to leave for the sake of your kids....
The only thing I can tell you to do is to suck it up and deal with it, and try to work it out. Not trying to be harsh but a lot of people would just leave. You are probably doing your kids more harm by staying with this woman. You won't be able to give them your full undivided attention if you feel this way no matter how hard you try to hide it, your kids will see it.
If you don't leave, your wife probably will. This whole thing is just a train wreck and I feel like you know in your heart things probably won't change. You can't sit there unhappy until your kids are 18, that's too long to stay miserable, and the same goes for your wife.
I agree with this-having a father who's a drunk, it puts alot of stress on me when he comes home drunk, gets DUI's, and he and my mother had tons of marital issues, the atmosphere around the house was tense, I was in the middle of their arguments-least on my drunk father's side when he comes to me and tells all their personal issues, crying, always mad at one another. I hated being home. And after a while, I just wanted them to get divorced and get away from each other. Because the environment at home sucked. The problem was off and on for years, and after a while, I was on depression meds. And always worried something bad was going to happen, or that they were gonna start fighting again. Nothing but drama, when a divorce and me going with my mother would've solved everything.
Staying together for kids is worse than divorce. Divorce is hard, but not as bad as having 2 miserable parents who seem to be unhappy and at odds with one another alot. And your wife may end up like my father, dragging them into things, and bad-mouthing you to them.
.
So, if your wife has been with other men, and lies alot, then sounds like she probably isn't going to change, and may end up leaving you for another man in time. She sounds like she goes through the motions of getting help, but isn't taking anything to heart, and sees no urgency to change.
Like my father, who's been a drunk for years, and shows no signs of ever stopping. My mother now just doesn't say anything, and lets him drink, because he won't admit to being a drunk, and thus will not change his behavior. And when she brings it up, he'll get defensive, and throw tantrums. More drama.
If you don't think something is broke, you won't try to fix it. So, unless your wife admits, and takes to heart, that she has issues, and starts telling the truth, she won't change, nor get better.
So, if you don't wanna leave, it's on you. But you'll just have to stay and deal with it in silence, because nagging her won't change when it's this bad now, where she lies, still drinks, and has started seeing other men. You can't change anyone. They have to be willing to hear you out, and work with you.
So, your options are.
1. Leave, deal with the divorce, and take your kids and give them a more stable environment away from this woman.
2. Stay, and deal with her flaws, and embrace them.
because sounds like she's too far gone at this point since you say things are regressing, rather than improving.
I think you should try counseling together. If your wife won't go, then go by yourself.
Is the reason you want to stay together because you think she's unfit to raise the kids and you're afraid you wouldn't get custody? That's a valid reason.
Your kids are too young to deal with a divorce, but they are old enough to deal with a depressed, alcoholic mother with self esteem issues? It's a pitty that you actually believe you are doing something to help your kids when the opposite is true.
the problem with alcohol, drugs, extramarital affairs, etc. are all part of the self medication that is a cover for the real problem. what that real problem is i dont know, but to end the other stuff, you have to get to the root problem. that will require counseling, and both of you need to attend.
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