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Just because he gets along and befriends the woman at work it doesn't mean anything. I get along with women better than men, typically. I associate with the guys at work, but the women talk far more in depth to me than they do the other men.
On my last project I befriended a woman at work very well. We'd talk a lot at work when we both had down time. I told my girlfriend about her, it was no big deal.
You know what I also did just to reassure my girlfriend and simply because this new woman was only a friend? I invited her to dinner on several occasions with myself and my girlfriend. She came with us and we had a great time. My gf and my coworker got along great and my gf understands. Not to mention, the coworker dates a lot and tells me about her guys she dates, and later on at one point we even went out to dinner with her and another guy she was seeing.
I used to talk to another girl a lot on facebook and texting. A girl I had known for a long time, but we were just friends. I didn't "hide" my phone, and I told my gf about it and often what we were talking about, usually fitness related stuff. So, when we were in the same city as this girl I knew, we went to go see her together! More reassurance for the gf, not that she ever needed it, but I do it out of respect.
Another girl who I used to sleep with and stayed in touch with for many years later, I also introduced to my gf. My gf knew we used to "date" a bit, but knew we were just friends now. And, of course, they are friends now. They talk on their own sometimes on facebook and such.
You should try the same with your husband and see how he reacts. Is the woman single? If so, have him invite her out with you guys. If she's dating someone or married, invite them both. YOU, as his wife, should have no problem with this. However, if he makes all sorts of excuses, gets uneasy, etc., then I'd be more weary. Unless he has really legitimate justifiable reasons, no reason you guys can't all meet up and go do something sometime if they are truly just friends.
My husband and I have been married for 6 years now. Other then a few instances when we were dating (being flirtatious with other women / lying about hanging out with an ex at a bar) I have no other reason not to trust him. To my knowledge, he has been *technically* faithful the entire time I've known him. But...I still don't trust him. I just get a bad feeling when he is around other women (when I'm not there.) For example, at his job. He works in a building where there are over sixty people, two of them being female. My husband not only befriended one of the only females, but chooses her as his partner for projects. He will come home and tell me a *little* about their conversations and they seem flirtatious to me. Like, how she asked him to speak to her in French, or told him where she lives. He gets all excited when he starts talking about her. It just seems shady to me. To make matters worse, they have a few nights coming up where they have to stay the night (military) and I'm just not comfortable with it. How does everyone else deal with their significant others befriending coworkers or just the opposite sex? I'm assuming I'm just being jealous / insecure, but if I'm the problem, how do I get over it? I don't want to tell him how I feel because I don't believe it would change anything - he would just stop telling me things.
Jealousy is your own issue to own, and as CSD said, you need to be careful not to be accusing him of things he isn't actually doing. If you struggle with him being away, struggle with him interacting with other women, that's an issue you need to resolve personally because those things aren't going to change. Do you get a "bad" feeling because you are jealous that another women gets to spend time with him when you don't?
And as someone who used to be married to a jealous guy (oddly, he was the one that cheated), it feels just awful to be suspected and accused of things you're not doing. Don't let your issues ruin your marriage, seek help. There must be counseling resources available to you?
As far as talking to him goes...I'm just afraid he would make mental note to never tell me anything again and carry on as usual. He would just assure me that there was nothing to worry about and then stop mentioning other females in his life...no?
Knowing about all the cheating that goes on in the military does not help. My husband has told me countless stories (of married coworkers sleeping with each other and with prostitutes – especially while deployed) and I have started questioning everyone.
Back in the day, my husband lied to me – a lot. I don't think he ever cheated on me, but he did lose my trust. Maybe he lied because I am jealous (or possibly even controlling.) Or maybe because he was doing something wrong. Either way, you would think several years would be enough time to get over it, especially when he hasn't done anything wrong since. But it hasn't and I can only fix me, since I have proof of nothing.
I think trying to meet the female coworker is out of the option. They don't hang out together outside of work and it would be beyond strange for them to start just for my sake.
The friendship is not the problem. The concern that he is not completely forthcoming about the friendship is the problem.
How is he not forthcoming?
Did he tell his wife about her? Yes
Did he tell his wife that he picked her on projects? Yes
Did he tell his wife that they talked about where she lives (which is a typical small-talk discussion)? Yes
Did he tell his wife that she asked him to speak to her in french? Yes
Did he tell his wife that he will be staying late to work with her on a project? Yes
Is SHE too afraid to ask him more? Yes!
Excuse me, but it looks like he is telling her things, and she is scared to ask for more details. How is he seriously supposed to know "how much" to fill his wife in on? Maybe he's telling her some out of respect. Is he supposed to take notes during his conversation with his coworker, and then review them with his wife later that night?
Give me a break.. Now, I can understand why she may be angry or unsure about the issues they had over 5 years ago. I can understand why that would make a person uneasy with the lies many years prior. HOWEVER, she chose to stay with him, be with him, marry him.. She can't hold that over his head for ever. Either get over it or get out.. Period.
There are some guys who are more sensitive than others and they can't have deep conversations with other guys without being seen as weak. Especially in the military where many act like tough guys and can't let their guard down. He might just enjoy having real conversations with that woman and talk about insider stuff that you can't relate to because you wouldn't even understand the basics about what's going on at their work.
I once listened to a military couples conversation (wife left military a while ago) and didn't understand a word because they used so many insider phrases.
Or maybe your husband just likes the attention from the other woman.
You have to find out if it is just all in your head or if there is really something going on between them. Are there any signs like texting and hiding phone? When he spends the night at work, does he act weird when he comes home? IF there is something going on, there MUST be signs. Guys are usually not very clever in hiding stuff.
When my first wife questioned my friendship with a female colleague, I stopped being friends with my colleague. I complied three more times; then had sex with number 4.
At my old job I had a female friend that I brought up in conversation quite a bit. My ex wife (girlfriend at the time) started getting jealous of this woman, partly because we were living in different cities and they never met. I talked about how great this woman was and how much fun she was to work with. My ex didn't say anything for a long time, and I was completely oblivious of her jealousy. Then one day I mentioned that I was going over to my coworker's house to help with her garden, and my ex accused me of cheating and blew up at me. Taken aback, I let her know that my coworker was 70, had cancer, and that I was going to be working with her grandson digging out stumps.
She felt sheepish, especially when my department's web page had photos and bios of all of the members and she knew this woman's name. I agree with other posters that if a guy candidly talks about a woman to his girlfriend or wife, he is probably not interested in cheating with her. We are just not necessarily aware that complimenting a woman other than our SO is a bad idea until our SO realizes the woman isn't a threat.
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