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Was reading some of the posts this morning and I got to thinking. Over the past year I have dated a lot of women(11+), and been in several relationships (4) spanning a range of months from 2-5, nothing long and I'm not even sure I'd call some relationships in my book. Here's the deal.... all of these women whom I seen have seen and told me I hot...very attractive... etc, successful, great to be around, best guy they have dated etc, etc. I broke it off with 2 of the women and the other two broke up with me. I have remained friends with one that broke up with me and another that I broke up with....strictly friends.
Now, I have never considered myself hot by any means, and although I think I am attractive... I just don't think about it. I get compliments a lot and just say thank you and shelf them in my head. Is that wrong of me? Should I be giving myself more self worth?
Second thing is I have practically been a serial dater and I am to the point where I am wondering if it is healthy or not. I like seeing someone but I'm not sure if it is right for me to do so...maybe I should take some time to myself, for like a long while?
Last thing is... sometimes I really have a hard time connecting with people, or the person that I am dating. I zone out...hear everything they say, but I literally zone out. I definitely took the last woman I dated for granted, zoned out, and compared her in my head to a traumatic relationship I had....saddest thing is I was really into her and we had so much fun... we both had walls up against each other for communication though. It's not like I want a wall, or zone out on purpose... it's just like an automatic mechanism for me, maybe triggered somehow by something?
I don't know. Any thoughts on any of these? I'm mildly confused
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Therapy card
Zoning out on someone you like or are interested in makes no sense to me. You'll never have a long lasting relationship if you can't engage with someone mentally/emotionally.
Last thing is... sometimes I really have a hard time connecting with people, or the person that I am dating. I zone out...hear everything they say, but I literally zone out. I definitely took the last woman I dated for granted, zoned out, and compared her in my head to a traumatic relationship I had....saddest thing is I was really into her and we had so much fun... we both had walls up against each other for communication though. It's not like I want a wall, or zone out on purpose... it's just like an automatic mechanism for me, maybe triggered somehow by something?
I don't know. Any thoughts on any of these? I'm mildly confused
Agree with the therapy suggestion. You need to dig down and figure out why you have this automatic mechanism that sabotages your relationship potential. Why was there a wall? Why do you zone out? And what can you do about it? A qualified professional can help you figure that out. Was there something in your childhood that you had to protect yourself from, by zoning out?
Try a few psychologists (not MSW's--social workers) until you find one that seems to have a handle on it, one that seems to be awake and on the ball, and gives you helpful feedback. Don't go with the ones that just expect you to spend the hour blathering on and on, without interacting with you.
OP, start by figuring out why you zone out when talking to women you are dating. once you figure that out, you can work on ending that practice. i used to do the same thing many years ago, and teh reason for me was that i was fixated on one area of interest, automobiles and racing. and unless we talked about those things, i just wasnt interested and so i would zone out.
once i realized that, and started expanding my interests, i started actually listening to what women had to say, and i started learning from each woman i dated, regardless of the subject. but most of all i found that when i knew what she wanted, and what she was interested in, i started having real success with women.
Now, I have never considered myself hot by any means, and although I think I am attractive... I just don't think about it. I get compliments a lot and just say thank you and shelf them in my head. Is that wrong of me? Should I be giving myself more self worth?
An example of supply and demand. Hotness is relative and all hotness is local. I am not surprised to find that you live in NY and that you are a student, I suspect you live in or near NYC and that your dating "success" greatly increased shortly after moving to NY. NYC is a paradise for young single guys. Far more single women then men, in direct contrast to much of the rest of the Country. A guy that was slightly above average looking in NC or WA becomes a hottie after he moves to NYC. You have already adjusted to it and have increased your self worth, and hence you "zone out" on women you are in relationships with.
That's a lot of women for one year.. Yeah I'd take a time-out from serial dating and spend some time w/ yourself. Zoning out is a means of escaping the present, and that's not cool for either person. Be alone for a while, hit the reset button so next time you meet a woman you like, you will appreciate her time & company.
It seems like when someone has no clue about your situation, they immediately recommend therapy. All your personal unique problems will be solved by general methods implemented by a person who has a vested interest ($$$$) in keeping you coming back for more and if they are lucky on meds that they themselves get a cut in.
Agree with the therapy suggestion. You need to dig down and figure out why you have this automatic mechanism that sabotages your relationship potential. Why was there a wall? Why do you zone out? And what can you do about it? A qualified professional can help you figure that out. Was there something in your childhood that you had to protect yourself from, by zoning out?
Try a few psychologists (not MSW's--social workers) until you find one that seems to have a handle on it, one that seems to be awake and on the ball, and gives you helpful feedback. Don't go with the ones that just expect you to spend the hour blathering on and on, without interacting with you.
I know I have a fear of abandonment and a lot of "not living up to my potential" with my dad that could probably cross over to my relationships. As far as the zoning out...I don't know. It wasn't that I wasn't interested in what people (not just the women I was with) are saying...it just happens sometimes. I hear everything they say but it may not click in my head, I may not understand it or I may change the subject because I get uncomfortable because of one of those. Puts people off....a lot. Made the last girl I went out with put up a wall and I lost trust.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Robert5
An example of supply and demand. Hotness is relative and all hotness is local. I am not surprised to find that you live in NY and that you are a student, I suspect you live in or near NYC and that your dating "success" greatly increased shortly after moving to NY. NYC is a paradise for young single guys. Far more single women then men, in direct contrast to much of the rest of the Country. A guy that was slightly above average looking in NC or WA becomes a hottie after he moves to NYC. You have already adjusted to it and have increased your self worth, and hence you "zone out" on women you are in relationships with.
Upstate, nowhere near the city. Not at all really, I've always had mild to good success dating. I'd say that more than half of the time the girl asks me out, but I plan out the dates and everything. Like I said, no matter what they say, I don't see myself as hot and the women I go out with. If anything I consider myself a trouble and a work in progress. As far as the women, most of my friends are like... "wow" and I even say that too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by D217
That's a lot of women for one year.. Yeah I'd take a time-out from serial dating and spend some time w/ yourself. Zoning out is a means of escaping the present, and that's not cool for either person. Be alone for a while, hit the reset button so next time you meet a woman you like, you will appreciate her time & company.
I definitely appreciated the last woman's time but still zoned out and didn't open up to her or her family very much at all.... ruined everything with her and now she never wants to talk to or see me again even after my therapy is further along. I don't know, that's the main reason I think I need a break... I've never pushed someone to the point where they gave up on me because I have problems I need therapy for....it's sickening to me. People are all different, and I would more than likely do the same thing, but wouldn't say never talk to me again....if they got better after 6mo to a year, I'd at least give them a shot.
I've definitely helped several people in a similar situation and was either the only one or one of a very few people helping them get back on their feet.... I know sometimes people just need time and that things will heal, but having grudges...abandoning...telling someone to stay out of your life and not seeing the bigger picture.... it's rude and just isn't healthy.
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