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I wouldn't use the word "casual", especially online, as it can and will be misinterpreted.
Expressions like "let's take things slow" or "let's see how it goes" are better. You're not saying that it (marriage) won't ever happen, but it is not on your radar right now.
Maybe what Jillabean needs, and what she appears to be doing now, is taking the same mindset and using it offline. There's less confusion when you can explain what you want face to face to a person, instead of being online and trying to explain what you're looking for before you ever meet the person.
I had a coffee meet up this summer where the woman mentioned she didn't have time for a relationship in her profile. She just wanted to see what happened. When we met up for coffee she mentioned pretty early on that she wants an FWB. She said she couldn't mention it in her profile, because it would attract the wrong attention.
It can be difficult to display the appropriate image online when it shares such a negative viewpoint with its users. To be honest, I don't particularly take it serious myself. I met up with enough women who did the opposite of what their profile said this summer. Mainly due to there was attraction in the initial meet up. Some of the stuff in profiles can be taken with a grain of salt if the person finds you attractive.
What's different for me is that when I meet men who want a LTR, they seem to start talking about marriage early on. I mean REALLY early on (date #1 or #2). I don't know if I am even interested in a relationship with a guy at that point, let alone start thinking of marriage.
Prime example (not the only one, but a good one), I went out with this really sweet guy. He's a federal agent, really nice, funny, liked everything about him. Our first date was 5 hours long as we got along so well. Near the end of the date he asked me to think about something. He said, he'd been dating around for years and was looking to settle down. He asked, "what do you want out of a relationship?" When I asked him to clarify he asked me if I ever wanted to marry again. I was honest with him, told him it's not on my radar but if the right man and the right relationship comes along then maybe. He then told me he was looking to marry and move to the mountains within two years and asked if I could see myself marrying in that time frame. I told him, I could only tell with time there was no way I could know now if I wanted to marry within two years --it's not something I really think about. He said he really liked me, but he wanted someone who was ready to commit and was more sure about committing. We didn't go on a second date.
Something similar has happened with all the men I've dated this year... maybe not exactly like that, but serious commitment came up. I don't know if it's me, co-incidence, or both. Just seems like I attract the guys with a marriage bug. And if I go out of my way to say I want something "casual" then I get the sleep around guys who want to have multiple partners--which I am also not interested in. I just want one man in my life.
Granted, I haven't dated in well over a month and a half now and I have no prospects (and I am enjoying the break from it all). So it's nothing pressing really. It's just something I started thinking about when I ran across that quote in my OP about women who want casual relationships. I started wondering... I wonder what people call what I am looking for. I thought of that because it just seems so hard to find for some reason.
Next time if I were in your shoes and I met a great match and he hints on the topic of marriage, or outright says he's looking for marriage, I'd mention I am looking for the same eventually, but want to get to know each other in a relationship a little more and see where we progress. If I'm uncertain about him, I'd probably say something similar but leave out the relationship part.
I know. Some guys can be really forward about marriage as a topic. But, if their talk isn't cheap, they'll slow down and go at a pace that's comfortable for you.
I think if you are very direct about what you want in your profile, you will find a lot of cool guys want the same thing.
'I want a monogamous, multi-year relationship that is not necessarily headed towards marriage,' for example
But really, I think you said it better in your OP:
Quote:
I just want to date, have fun and enjoy a man's company, go out now and then, stay in a lot more, do things together, be intimate sexually, spend nights together, be devoted to that one man, cook for him, take him on vacation, be my +1 at events, and most importantly love him... but with no expectations of marriage or even moving in together. If it grows into something more on its own, fine... but there is no ends to my means in this dating.
Put that in your profile, right up near the top. See what happens.
I don't see the label as being an issue. I'm reading this thinking, jillabean wants a boyfriend. If we were on a date and you explained what you were looking for, I'd think "Cool. jillabean wants me to be her boyfriend." If we had this relationship I'd expect you to introduce me as such.
I think what's muddying the waters is that you keep attracting guys that are further along the buying process (sorry, I'm a student of marketing). You must have marriage material written all over you I cannot begin to imagine what would possess some guy to talk marriage a mere 2 dates into the courting ritual. As for the guy with the 2-year timeline - there would have been nothing natural or organic about that relationship. That came across more like a business transaction. I read that part and my jaw literally dropped.
If I had to defend them, I would say that some men believe that marriage is what a woman wants to hear so they may be inclined to lead with that. I wouldn't because I wouldn't want anyone to call my bluff I am not actively looking to get into a relationship, but when I do, I want exactly what you described - a girlfriend with all of the benefits and no imminent expectation of marriage. There are like-minded men out there jillabean.
Which segues, quite nicely I might add, into how does jillabean find like-minded men?
Like this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
I think if you are very direct about what you want in your profile, you will find a lot of cool guys want the same thing.
'I want a monogamous, multi-year relationship that is not necessarily headed towards marriage,' for example
But really, I think you said it better in your OP:
Quote:
I just want to date, have fun and enjoy a man's company, go out now and then, stay in a lot more, do things together, be intimate sexually, spend nights together, be devoted to that one man, cook for him, take him on vacation, be my +1 at events, and most importantly love him... but with no expectations of marriage or even moving in together. If it grows into something more on its own, fine... but there is no ends to my means in this dating.
Put that in your profile, right up near the top. See what happens.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish
Men are weird.
Hey, I represent that Yes, we are and you love us all the same or is all the more
I am dating an older guy and I have many of the the perks you're looking for. We spend 2 or 3 weekends a month together, but the rest of the time we pretty much have our own lives. No restrictions on dating other people, but as it happens we see each other enough to where I don't really want to date other men and while there really isn't a rule regarding "sex" here again our sex life is such that I don't feel the desire to sleep with someone else.
He's already done the married ( his wife of 20 years passed) with kids thing and he's not interested in starting all over, and I am not ready for all that anyway. Eventually yes, but not right now. My plan was to not become emotionally attached, but that's proving to be very difficult and will probably come back to bite me in the butt later, but for now.. I am a happy girl.
I think older widows and widowers often pair up in the manner you mentioned. My mother did; my wife's father did. The line between what one poster called commitment and companionship is pretty thin, but very real. Widows and widowers are often comfortable with this distinction because they know the benefits of companionship and yet the commitment they maintain is to their late spouse; either that or they have been deeply committed and feel betrayed by the death of their spouse and don't want to chance it again.
Thanks everyone. I don't do online dating anymore, so I won't be putting anything in a profile. Although to be fair, most of my "trouble" I am talking about here was a direct result of profiles and online dating. Just one example was one where I met the man "offline." I just need to think of a way to get it out in the "match maker" network I have (I am talking mostly female friends and relatives who know of men who are looking). I think, when they ask... because they always ask "why haven't you found someone yet?" ... that I will tell them that "I am looking, but I am looking for a man who, like me, just wants to take things slow. Do you know of anyone?"
Oh... and if men are "weird" I can deal with that. I am kind of an odd duck (AKA weird) myself.
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,074,963 times
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Jillabean, what you describe is almost exactly what I'm looking for. The main difference being that I want it to flow naturally from a platonic friendship as opposed to going out and meeting someone specifically for that purpose.
To me this is friends with benefits but I understand that on craigslist fwb usually means "person with whom you regularly have nsa sex".
Again, to me the natural progression is:
Strangers
Platonic friends
Friends with benefits and/or girlfriend and boyfriend
Marriage if intention is to have kids
Thanks everyone. I don't do online dating anymore, so I won't be putting anything in a profile. Although to be fair, most of my "trouble" I am talking about here was a direct result of profiles and online dating. Just one example was one where I met the man "offline." I just need to think of a way to get it out in the "match maker" network I have (I am talking mostly female friends and relatives who know of men who are looking). I think, when they ask... because they always ask "why haven't you found someone yet?" ... that I will tell them that "I am looking, but I am looking for a man who, like me, just wants to take things slow. Do you know of anyone?"
Oh... and if men are "weird" I can deal with that. I am kind of an odd duck (AKA weird) myself.
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I cannot begin to imagine what would possess some guy to talk marriage a mere 2 dates into the courting ritual. As for the guy with the 2-year timeline - there would have been nothing natural or organic about that relationship. That came across more like a business transaction. I read that part and my jaw literally dropped.
I am not actively looking to get into a relationship, but when I do, I want exactly what you described - a girlfriend with all of the benefits and no imminent expectation of marriage. There are like-minded men out there jillabean.
or is all the more 
...Quack..Quack
