What to do when everything is perfect except the sex. (girlfriend, how to)
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In the movies, things work out for the good. In real life, REASONABLE people either move on with a divorce or cheat. They don't just stick around helplessly unless they have issues. Not doing anything regarding a serious situation means it is not normal and you have issues.
My statement still stands.
And your statement is still incomplete.
"Cheat" or "leave" are NOT the only options in a situation like this.
"Cheat" or "leave" are NOT the only options in a situation like this.
Ok, you got me! I see where you are coming from.
The bottom line is action must be taken and usually is- even if it results in counseling or otherwise. Most normal and or reasonable people just don't stick it out and accept it at face value and remain in state- reason for the high divorce rates.
We can discuss the ins and outs of people sticking it out but why? Why even leave that option on the table? We shouldn't even be discussing "sticking it out".
You are right. I am not the and all be all but sticking it out SHOULD NOT BE PART OF THIS DISCUSSION nor is saying that people do. We should be moving away from this.
But the OP's SO has had this issue with her ex. It's been 5 years and he knew all along. The question is, why now? Is he really committed to action? I suspect he may have issues of his own.
You are right. I am not the and all be all but sticking it out SHOULD NOT BE PART OF THIS DISCUSSION nor is saying that people do. We should be moving away from this.
But the OP's SO has had this issue with her ex. It's been 5 years and he knew all along. The question is, why now? Is he really committed to action? I suspect he may have issues of his own.
He is definitely part of the problem. It's just easier and less painful to make it "her problem with low libido."
I don't recommend "sticking it out." Life is too long for that. He can do something about it, but what needs to be done is not (immediately) as fun as fantasizing. It's one of those situations where it could be better in the long run ... if he is willing to have some vulnerable, difficult conversations in the short run.
He is definitely part of the problem. It's just easier and less painful to make it "her problem with low libido."
I don't recommend "sticking it out." Life is too long for that. He can do something about it, but what needs to be done is not (immediately) as fun as fantasizing. It's one of those situations where it could be better in the long run ... if he is willing to have some vulnerable, difficult conversations in the short run.
Long story short....I've been in a 5yr relationship where I am a very sexual man while she has a very low sex drive. She tells me that she's always been this way and doesnt know why. She's been to doctors and they tell her the reason for it is due to work related stress. She tells me that she's deeply in love with me and it has nothing to do with me, but instead with her libido.
Sex with us (or for me at least) is just a physical act. There's no passion in it. It's sad because everthing in our relationship is just about perfect. I've sat her down several times to speak about this issue. She'll make an attempt to be sexual in the following days but it actually turns me OFF because I know she's doing so as a result of our conversation and not because its who she is by nature. It just feels fake and forced.
I'm at a point where I'm thinking, do I just tell her this isnt working and we need to go our own ways before I cheat and hurt her? She's a wonderful woman and hurting her is the last thing I want to do but I dont know how much longer I can deal with being in a relationship where there is just no sexual chemistry between us.
If she had a low sex drive before you married her then perhaps you shouldn't have married her in the first place.
Here is the same issue from my (a woman) point of view. I have been married for 30 years to my husband, who I do love and relationship is good in every way EXCEPT for sex. We have never been sexually compatible and without going into detail about the whys, I will only say that when I married him I had had several sexual partners (boyfriends) and knew what to compare to. There have always been intimacy issues with DH, and over time I just "tolerated" sex with him. He was NEVER interested in making it good for me. Now for the past 15 years he hasn't even wanted to at all. At first I was relieved, but now at age 65 I have a higher drive than ever and am lamenting that I let so much of my life go by without this important part of my life. Remember it is NOT just "sex" but the intimate and sensual aspect that most women crave. Are you giving that to her?
Anyway, at this point I have never cheated but I have been tempted. Yes, I do relieve myself. If someone is the way they are you cannot change them. Are you prepared to go the rest of your life with little to no sex, or really unsatisfactory sex? These are hard and important questions. I will say it is very difficult to find someone with whom you are truly compatible in every way, just read the answers here - usually you get one or the other. Which is more important? Also, sometimes sex might be really amazing at first but over time you become familiar with that partner, it gets boring, or daily life gets in the way and affects the libido.
There have been some good suggestions here. At this point you are not married, so the commitment is not that large. In my case, I won't be leaving or cheating; I will be content with my fantasies and my many hobbies. I usually don't talk about this stuff on public forums, but it comes up time and again, and I think it is something very important to discuss, so many of us have similar issues.
Good luck OP, I hope you find a satisfactory answer for your situation.
I doubt the OP came here for judgement - or metaphorical tutting - or questioning of his original choices. I think it would be more on topic to the thread - and helpful to the OP - to realise that the OP is here asking where to go from here - not to be made feel bad about how he got here.
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