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My fiances x/girlfriend passed away. They dated on/off for 20 year's. She married the father of her daughter (they reunited a few year's back). My fiance and her were never married nor had children.
I understand she was a part of my fiances life and family for a long time and I knew her also, from the same town & attended the same schools. We were 'friends' way back and hung out before she moved away. She also knew I was with my current and her former and we had no issues about that at all. One relationship ended, others began.
What bothers me is not that my fiances family are upset/sad. It's how they've gone about expressing their grief. Posting photo's of her with my now fiance from days long gone on social media for whomever to see with "tags", so these photo's are viewable to many more people. I'm sure they have photo's that he wasn't in (she was married to another when she passed away also, it seems tacky) . She kept in touch with with my finances mother/sister/sister in law/brother after leaving, that's not the issue. My fiance was not in contact with her and he isn't on social media to see this. He does know I'm bothered but doesn't say much.
I've given my condolences to her family that I know, to my fiances mother & sister and to him. He's doing okay and we all knew she had limited time with her illness.
Am I wrong to feel bothered by their display of grief? Is it odd or am I way off?
My fiances x/girlfriend passed away. They dated on/off for 20 year's. She married the father of her daughter (they reunited a few year's back). My fiance and her were never married nor had children.
I understand she was a part of my fiances life and family for a long time and I knew her also, from the same town & attended the same schools. We were 'friends' way back and hung out before she moved away. She also knew I was with my current and her former and we had no issues about that at all. One relationship ended, others began.
What bothers me is not that my fiances family are upset/sad. It's how they've gone about expressing their grief. Posting photo's of her with my now fiance from days long gone on social media for whomever to see with "tags", so these photo's are viewable to many more people. I'm sure they have photo's that he wasn't in (she was married to another when she passed away also, it seems tacky) . She kept in touch with with my finances mother/sister/sister in law/brother after leaving, that's not the issue. My fiance was not in contact with her and he isn't on social media to see this. He does know I'm bothered but doesn't say much.
I've given my condolences to her family that I know, to my fiances mother & sister and to him. He's doing okay and we all knew she had limited time with her illness.
Am I wrong to feel bothered by their display of grief? Is it odd or am I way off?
Yes, you are - back off of this one.
It's not for you to decide how other people deal with their grief.
In fact, it makes you look like a very small person to let anyone know you are "bothered". Just sayin'.
One side of my family was very close, even after divorces. Growing up, I never really understood that some of the people I loved so much weren't really relatives but "exes" and in-laws who grew up together in a small town, moved away, married, had kids (or didn't) divorced, moved back, and still got along together very well. I think my grandmother was the key to that. She modeled love and forgiveness, and it showed in our extended family.
I say let it go. I know it bothers you now that you are with him, but it's not really about you. It's just them mourning the loss of someone they have known a long time.
It's not for you to decide how other people deal with their grief.
In fact, it makes you look like a very small person to let anyone know you are "bothered". Just sayin'.
I agree! You have made a situation that is supposed to be about her and her life (which by the way, included your fiance - and was the context in which they knew her) all about you. Let them grieve. This will pass in no time, unless YOU prolong it and give it life.
It's not for you to decide how other people deal with their grief.
In fact, it makes you look like a very small person to let anyone know you are "bothered". Just sayin'.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dmills
I agree! You have made a situation that is supposed to be about her and her life (which by the way, included your fiance - and was the context in which they knew her) all about you. Let them grieve. This will pass in no time, unless YOU prolong it and give it life.
while i can understand the OPs position on this, to a point, i also agree that she is making too much of it. OP, let the families grieve in their own way. this was a long term relationship that likely ended on good terms, and as such the ex fiancee was essentially a part of the family.
back then in their grief, and support their healing, and you will integrate yourself into the family as well, and they will embrace you in the same manner.
Please do refrain from calling me a "small person." You don't know me or anything about this entire story (she passdd away more then a month ago and the photo's continue). I, along with others have helped her family financially for the past few years, discretely and annon. I was asked to help and wanted to. There is no competition so no need to be the bigger person.
My error to post on CD, something I haven't done in a long time and something I won't do again.
ETA: They were never engaged and it did not end on good terms for my fiance. I'm done.
Please do refrain from calling me a "small person." You don't know me or anything about this entire story (she passdd away more then a month ago and the photo's continue). I, along with others have helped her family financially for the past few years, discretely and annon. I was asked to help and wanted to. There is no competition so no need to be the bigger person.
My error to post on CD, something I haven't done in a long time and something I won't do again.
good grief
You asked for opinions and you got them. Now that no one is backing you up you want to take all your marbles and go home
For the record, I did not call you small. I said letting your fiance and his family know that the way they are expressing their grief bothers you makes you look small.
I stand by that statement, only a small or petty person would make any kind of a big deal about this while others are grieving a loss.
That doesn't mean you aren't supposed to feel what you feel - you just don't go around showing it.
Last edited by lovesMountains; 11-01-2014 at 02:44 PM..
Reason: spelling
I can see how it would tweak a little bit, but sooner or later one of them will realize that maybe it's just a wee bit tacky to make such a big scene about it in general. I mean, she was not part of his life for a while, but they're making a show of it like she was their daughter-in-law when she never was. Eventually common sense will clear someone's head, and I wouldn't be surprised if someone says, "Oh, my gawd, this must be difficult for you to see."
At which point, you say, "I understand. She was part of your lives for a very long time. I hope we have a close relationship, too, because I've come to think of you as family."
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