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We are still not 100% convinced it's Jane. I offered to my wife to send here an email (to this new address) calling her out (obviously with my wife's approval). We already contacted the police but there's nothing they can do.
Sounds like you and your wife are getting off on the drama!
Is this some kind of foreplay for you?
Grow up, both of you. If you don't stop playing games and take this seriously, your marriage is doomed.
I want to be clear about this: my wife is in contact with Jane (she is sharing the stories with me at this point), and my wife is the one wanting to reach out to Jane and her husband. If it was up to me, I would focus on moving forward but unfortunately my wife isn't ready yet. The counselor also wasn't helpful in that respect: her answer to her was to 'make sure you don't do anything illegal or get arrested'. Not sure how I feel about the counselor. How do you find a good one anyway?
I want to be clear about this: my wife is contact with Jane (she is sharing the stories with me at this point), and my wife is the one wanting to reach out to Jane and her husband. If it was up to me, I would focus on moving forward but unfortunately my wife isn't ready yet. The counselor also wasn't helpful in that respect: her answer to her was to 'make sure you don't do anything illegal or get arrested'. Not sure how I feel about the counselor. How do you find a good one anyway?
It is not up to you.
Your wife is in control and that is not the same as not moving forward. You do not want things to get messy, but your behavior made things messy.
You are no longer in control here. Your wife needs to make her decisions about contact. Just because the therapist did not agree with your version of moving forward and focus does not mean the therapist is horrible.
You feel uncomfortable, and you should feel uncomfortable. Your being uncomfortable is nothing compared to the overwhelming trust issues in your marriage your affair has caused.
I would recommend you suck it up, and follow your wife's lead.
I would recommend you suck it up, and follow your wife's lead.
Right. And she wants to proceed with having contact with Jane, to get revenge. Something most users here are discouraging. I'm more than willing to help her, but I would love to somehow confirm that Jane and the ex-mistress are the same even though everything is pointing in that direction.
Revenge for what? It wasn't like you were repeatedly seduced. You went onto Ashley Madison. You made up your mind to cheat and then you went out and cheated. This whole things makes absolutely no sense. I still don't understand why you are saying that this other woman is "stalking" you when she is only repeating things that you have already done with your mistress that you and your wife both know about. You shouldn't keep engaging with the mystery woman - but if you do - why not just tell her - hey, everything is already out in the open so there's no point in your emails.
I don't really see a bright future for your marriage, I'm sorry to say.
Revenge for what? It wasn't like you were repeatedly seduced. You went onto Ashley Madison. You made up your mind to cheat and then you went out and cheated. This whole things makes absolutely no sense. I still don't understand why you are saying that this other woman is "stalking" you when she is only repeating things that you have already done with your mistress that you and your wife both know about. You shouldn't keep engaging with the mystery woman - but if you do - why not just tell her - hey, everything is already out in the open so there's no point in your emails.
I don't really see a bright future for your marriage, I'm sorry to say.
You are 100% correct, but the missing point is that I am not engaging with Jane, my wife is. My wife thought for a while Jane was an anonymous friend who 'saw' us, but we are both convinced Jane and my ex-mistress are the same person. So far, I've had 0 contact with Jane.
Our marriage probably would have been over, if not for our 1 and 4 year old.
Right. And she wants to proceed with having contact with Jane, to get revenge. Something most users here are discouraging. I'm more than willing to help her, but I would love to somehow confirm that Jane and the ex-mistress are the same even though everything is pointing in that direction.
You call it revenge, your wife might call it closure and transparency. She after all has nothing to hide and to be ashamed of. She does not need to be embarrassed about your affair.
If your marriage would be over if it wasn't for your two young children, then you need to sack up son, and get a divorce. That is the most chicken caca excuse of them all, to save a marriage. Children are going to learn by your example, and if your marriage is shatty, then they will learn how to have shatty relationships....not really the life lessons to be taught right? If there is any chance for you, you need to just sit back and take whatever is dealt. You threw the wrench into your relationship, and whatever way your wife needs to deal through it, is her own business. If you couldn't take the negatives of cheating, you shouldn't have cheated. I never understood how people can cheat without looking at the possibilities of what would happen if caught. I'm no saint, I've been involved with many women who were in relationships.....however, I can fight if I get caught, and was willing to accept a beating, or possibly worse for the thrill.....It sounds like you weren't looking too far into it at all.
Your only real say in the matter is the choice of therapists. Of course you are aware that you can keep changing therapists but no one will back your actions....just need to clear that up, if you believe they are out there.
You call it revenge, your wife might call it closure and transparency. She after all has nothing to hide and to be ashamed of. She does not need to be embarrassed about your affair.
Are you uncomfortable?
Yes, I am embarrassed and uncomfortable. I have nothing to hide.
However, I do share the thoughts mentioned here that I prefer to try to move forward, and I don't want to further jeopardize my family.
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