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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
Aside from sort of rare genetic abnormality can two people who really love each other really be sexually incompatable? I mean, has any one ever thought, "gee, this person is great! I love him/her, this is the kind of person I want to be the parent of my children, I couldn't ask for a more wonderful person, too bad they are bad in the sack. Oh well.
Yes. It happens. A lot. Usually it doesn't get to marriage, but it is one of the most common reasons for divorce among women I know who have been divorced.
Not just bad sex. Or infrequent sex. Which both occurs. But sexual incompatibility, which is different.
Many of these people still love and are friends with their exes, but they couldn't stay married to them (or they could, but an open relationship wasn't going to work in their situation).
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
Let me put it this way, does anyone have great sex and think, "I am going to marry this person because sex was so great!" Or do we think that's a weak reason for a lifelong commitment? If so, why is the opposite such a big deal breaker if everything else is great?
No, but people are ruled out immediately. And if everything else is great? Fine. Be friends. Platonic friends.
It's not stupid. Not everyone shares your values and sees the world the same way you do.
It's a risk/reward situation that is personal to each individual.
It's critical for a couple to be aware of the physical dimensions of their partner. At the very least, the female should be aware of the male's size aroused, or that can be a huge problem. How sad would it be, if you wait until your wedding day, only to find out that anytime you have sex, the pain makes nothing pleasurable. Or to wait, and find out that it's like dropping a hot dog inside a boot full of gravy....both cases would lead to problems in the best of relationships. If you are getting married, being compatible physically is right up there with criminal background, credit rating, job history, family values.....
It's critical for a couple to be aware of the physical dimensions of their partner. At the very least, the female should be aware of the male's size aroused, or that can be a huge problem. How sad would it be, if you wait until your wedding day, only to find out that anytime you have sex, the pain makes nothing pleasurable. Or to wait, and find out that it's like dropping a hot dog inside a boot full of gravy....both cases would lead to problems in the best of relationships. If you are getting married, being compatible physically is right up there with criminal background, credit rating, job history, family values.....
To think that these details would not have been discussed long before ever deciding on marriage is incredulous.
It's critical for a couple to be aware of the physical dimensions of their partner. At the very least, the female should be aware of the male's size aroused, or that can be a huge problem. How sad would it be, if you wait until your wedding day, only to find out that anytime you have sex, the pain makes nothing pleasurable. Or to wait, and find out that it's like dropping a hot dog inside a boot full of gravy....both cases would lead to problems in the best of relationships. If you are getting married, being compatible physically is right up there with criminal background, credit rating, job history, family values.....
Women have babies... something the size of a newborn's head comes out of that area. So if a man is that large or a woman is that small, then it's an extreme on someone's part and I would hope people would discuss this if they had it (and not have to wait for show and tell time). And all you have to do is google the subject to get easy solutions to most common size problems.
As for the whole argument for libdo, again, that changes. If you think sex at 70-years-old is going to be exactly the same as it was at 20-years-old (or even sex at 40 with a house full of kids if you go that route), then you are assuming a lot.
I also think a lot can be learned with sex. Everyone is different so if you really love your partner, you'd be willing to make adjustments to how you do things (I would hope... or maybe you don't really love your partner).
The only thing that really stands out as being "incompatible" would be extreme kinks or maybe if someone just isn't sexually interested at all in their partner. Not sure how often that happens though. But I know it happens.
Again, not saying sex before marriage is right or wrong. I am just saying the excuses people give for it are simply that, excuses to justify it and also to mock people who don't want to engage in premarital sex. Why not just own up to you want to do it because it's fun and you are excited to do it? And own up to that other people can forgo premarital sex and still have great marriages?
But I think the most important thing I am trying to say is the whole notion of a "test drive before marriage" doesn't work. Yes, it might tell you if something is terribly wrong and unfixable. But it in no way tells you if your sex life after marriage will be good at all. If you believe it does, you are lying to yourself and maybe setting yourself on the road to divorce.
By the way, for me this is a thinking exercise since I have no horse in this race (never marrying again that is).
Last edited by jillabean; 01-26-2015 at 08:18 PM..
014;38188464]It's critical for a couple to be aware of the physical dimensions of their partner. At the very least, the female should be aware of the male's size aroused, or that can be a huge problem. How sad would it be, if you wait until your wedding day, only to find out that anytime you have sex, the pain makes nothing pleasurable. Or to wait, and find out that it's like dropping a hot dog inside a boot full of gravy....both cases would lead to problems in the best of relationships. If you are getting married, being compatible physically is right up there with criminal background, credit rating, job history, family values.....[/quote]
I had a vey good idea of my husband''s "physical dimension" before we actually had sex. Lol.But even if his "physical dimension" raised an eyebrow as being outside the norm, I wouldn't have been that concerned. Now if he didnt have a tongue, I might have hesitated, but would have still married him.
The only thing that really stands out as being "incompatible" would be extreme kinks or maybe if someone just isn't sexually interested at all in their partner. Not sure how often that happens though. But I know it happens.
Or sexually interested, in general, nothing to do with their partner one way or another. Previous sexual trauma, for instance (abuse, rape, molestation, etc.) can contribute to very aversive reactions to sex and sexuality. And at times, people may be VERY reticent to address these things...denial and repression may be an ingrained part of their lives and something they avoid dealing with altogether. Depending on the couple, this can be something that comes out early in the game, or late in the game.
Women have babies... something the size of a newborn's head comes out of that area. So if a man is that large or a woman is that small, then it's an extreme on someone's part and I would hope people would discuss this if they had it (and not have to wait for show and tell time). And all you have to do is google the subject to get easy solutions to most common size problems.
As for the whole argument for libdo, again, that changes. If you think sex at 70-years-old is going to be exactly the same as it was at 20-years-old (or even sex at 40 with a house full of kids if you go that route), then you are assuming a lot.
I also think a lot can be learned with sex. Everyone is different so if you really love your partner, you'd be willing to make adjustments to how you do things (I would hope... or maybe you don't really love your partner).
The only thing that really stands out as being "incompatible" would be extreme kinks or maybe if someone just isn't sexually interested at all in their partner. Not sure how often that happens though. But I know it happens.
Again, not saying sex before marriage is right or wrong. I am just saying the excuses people give for it are simply that, excuses to justify it and also to mock people who don't want to engage in premarital sex. Why not just own up to you want to do it because it's fun and you are excited to do it? And own up to that other people can forgo premarital sex and still have great marriages?
But I think the most important thing I am trying to say is the whole notion of a "test drive before marriage" doesn't work. Yes, it might tell you if something is terribly wrong and unfixable. But it in no way tells you if your sex life after marriage will be good at all. If you believe it does, you are lying to yourself and maybe setting yourself on the road to divorce.
By the way, for me this is a thinking exercise since I have no horse in this race (never marrying again that is).
Jillabean, I want to give you a rep on this entire post. But, I've already given you a rep for another one.
There is more to sex than just undressing and going at it for 45 seconds in missionary position a couple times a month like I am guessing some people of "that crowd" must do it...
You need to know how much of a freak you have on your hands, how much she will do, how much she will take, where she will take it, how often, how long, etc
Some people just dont get it I guess... to not know that before you get married? L-Frickin-O-Frickin-L!!!
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