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Break it off with him now! He will only get worse and you seem like a nice and responsible person. You deserve better. You don't want children in an environment like that.
I dated my husband for 5 years before we married and moved in together after a year of dating. We both partied, but he always drank and I always drove because he would always get drunk. He was the nicest funniest person you'd ever want to meet. I was so in love with him. A couple of years into the relationship, he made a comment to someone while I was there that he was never getting married. Later that day, I asked him about his comment. I told him that I didn't want to continue a relationship if he had no plans of marrying or having children with me. I wanted what my parents had.
We married. He was a happy drunk. We went out one night and got into an argument on the way home. When I pulled in, he grabbed my head and was slamming it off of the steering wheel screaming how much he loved me! I got out of the car & he was choking me and I'm screaming for help. Nobody called the cops. I spent the night with him, but left the next day.
He went to AA and I went back to him. Within 3 months, he was drinking again. When my first son was 18 m/o, he was drunk and we got into an argument and he beat the living crap out of me. I thought he was going to kill me. He slammed me off of walls, he threw me onto the floor and sat on my chest and strangled me and twisted my neck to the point that I thought it was going to break, slammed my head off of the floor and punched me in the face and broke my glasses. I finally was able to get out of there with my son. I went to my sis's that night and then to my parents for the next couple of months. I should have gone to the hospital, but didn't. I should have pressed charges, but I didn't. He went to AA again and quit drinking & swore he'd never lay a hand on me. (I wasn't raised like that & swore I'd never put up with it) I forgave him again and went back to him. I did tell him that if he ever laid a hand on me again, I'd kill him in his sleep. Within 6 months, he was back to the booze but wouldn't get drunk as often. I had another son 6 years later. I loved him so much and wanted to believe he would change. People don't change unless they want to.
His first love was booze, football was 2nd and me & the boys came. He wasn't capable of being an active participant in marriage or parenting. He was a high functioning alcoholic. He would switch between beer and hard liquor. I was a single parent that was married. I was lonely because he couldn't love me the way I wanted to be loved.
I spent 25 years of my life with him. I had 2 beautiful sons, so I can't regret that. He taught me that people don't change unless they want to. He taught me that regardless of how happy or funny a person is in public, it's not always like that behind closed doors. I feared him when he was drunk for the following 17 years. He taught me that relationships don't work if there's only one person putting effort to it. I guess the most important lesson I learned was tolerance.... hahaha I actually still like talking to him on occasion. He wasn't domineering or verbally abusive.
Please break up with him and even if he tries to win you back, he's not going to change. He has major problems, not you. Go get the life and the love that you deserve. You sound like you'll be a wonderful Mom.
I tend to try to see the best in people. It's been 8 years and you've obviously put forth your best effort with him. Love is the most wonderful feeling in the world, but it can't fix something that's been broken for so long.
Go find your life and love girlfriend! You made a poor investment that didn't give you a return. Learn from your 8 years with him and use that knowledge for a happy future. Please..... don't stay
Last edited by cam1957; 03-07-2015 at 08:04 AM..
Reason: spelling
Oh I know, I was just expanding my thoughts with words for the original poster.
I am very wordy anyway and now that I have no voice because I have coughed so much from pneumonia my vocal cords are very inflamed, I am even more written wordy....LOL
Yes, you should end your relationship -- but not for your co-worker. You should end it for yourself. Ending the relationship isn't "throwing away" 8 years - it's deciding not to waste any more time on someone with whom you are not compatible.
No, you should not start dating your co-worker. As tempting as it is to romanticize him because he appears to be different from your boyfriend, you have no idea who he is outside of the work setting. You don't need to move from one man to the next. Take some time to be on your own before you start dating again. It's OK to be single...it really is.
Yes, this. Break up with him because you want to, not for someone else.
It's hard to give up the dream of what might have been. It's the dream you have been clinging to, and not the reality.
You either need to accept things as they are with your boyfriend or leave. He won't change, and marriage will only make those problems worse. Marriage doesn't fix a broken relationship.
If you want to be in the same place in five more years then stay. If you don't, leave.
The fact that he owns his own homes yet still lives with his parents is very strange. Has he ever given a reason why he does that? It's not like he has to take care of them correct? Here's my take....He will never marry you, because you are ok with him living with his parents. You may say you aren't ok with it, but because you have stayed all these years, your actions say otherwise. Your boyfriend, knows it's not normal to own homes, and still lives at home. He probably hates himself for allowing it to happen, but for whatever deeply rooted psychological issue, he allows it to happen. Anyone who is allows this, will be hated as well. He probably hates his parents, even if he doesn't say it....something weird keeps him there. It's probably some weird passive aggressive guilt trip they hang over him.
Moving in with him, would further cripple his already weakened state. You should just break free, because that guy needs a lot of therapy to get over his problem. Staying with him brings resentment, something that is slowly increasing every day you are with him.
And he hasn't done anything towards the betterment of our relationship
Why stick around any longer? A relationship succeeds when two people are working toward an agreed-upon goal. By not moving out or reducing his time spent drinking beer with his sister, especially after eight years, he has given you a loud and clear message about what his priorities are and unfortunately you are not one of them.
Please don't think I'm saying this out of meanness; I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who knows, because my first long-term serious relationship had similarities with the one you are in now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 0phelia
...I just seem not to see any future with my boyfriend anymore.
And that's okay. People change. They grow. They move on. And that's what you are doing. Do not for a second feel guilty about doing what is best for you, whether it involves the new man in your life or not.
It is safe to say that you stayed in a relationship for 8 yrs long even though you're not happy with, really is because the new guy didn't appear any sooner. This is not to say you're in the wrong, since your bf has some heavy issues there.
Be honest with yourself. Would you feel as strongly to leave him if there's no new guy, or it happens conveniently at this point? Did you find out exactly the reason he don't want to move out his family's house? Have you attempt to get him seek treatment on alcohol addiction? Did you address the issues of his disrespectful behaviours towards you in an adult manner? I must have missed out those details if you did, and after 8 yrs still no news of marriage, clearly he doesn't care if you leave or not. Perhaps you may want to give him an ultimatum to see if there's improvement within your own time frame, oherwise move on.
Now don't get too excited and blinded by the new guy. As you claimed, your bf was also wonderful and respectful to you, which apparently he doesn't seem all that to you now.
Last edited by softcrunch; 03-07-2015 at 09:59 AM..
I think it's a terrible fallacy to think that relationships are investments. In actuality they change and people change over time. So what was good for you years ago is not good anymore.
I do not see any reason to stay with this man. He treats you like **** and you do not come first in his life. If your time is miserable during vacations can you imagine living like this 24/7?
He has no respect for you. Just take a deep breath and start your life new. Things will never get better with this *******. And FORHEAVENSAKES DO not breed with this man! Find a new guy. Date this new guy at work. MOVE ON!
I'm really baffled by questions like yours. I mean, he sounds like he's got lots of undesirable qualities. But you sound like you're trying to decide which frozen dinner to buy in the grocery. Are you really so undecided after 8 years that you're ready to do whatever some strangers suggest? I think you need to have a long talk with yourself....
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Leave him!
