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Unfortunately he's pushed with such intense desperation to try and snag his former love (woman he knew years ago) back into his life that I'm pretty sure he's spooked her good. I told him to go easy and chill, but he was full on "I need you in my life, and I will come up there and whisk you away if you'll let me"...she's got a million things that need to get sorted out, and he just added himself in there as one more element demanding attention. At least that's how I see it. He is pretty depressed about that now, but not saying anything to indicate that he thinks we could go back to being "together." I think he's really given up on that. Which is for the best, because as much as I KNOW...and I really know...that I want out of this and I'm walking away and that's what I need/want/will have...yeah, sure, a small part of me keeps asking if I've made a mistake. I think that's only natural when you spend so long in a situation though. You're like, "am I really doing this? How could I actually be doing this right now?" even if you know it's all for the best.
At the latest, I will be out on August first. Until then, I'm a roommate in the house. We are cordial. I'm focused on working my college stuff into my schedule, and spending time with the kids.
One impulse I keep having to resist is the urge to find someone else, even just a hookup, simply to put closure on this relationship. I keep feeling the urge to reach out and find love elsewhere...but something inside is telling me it's a bad idea, and I need to give myself time, even though I have been granted the freedom to do so if I choose. We have released one another from the promises of marriage, even if we have not legally divorced.
Hey, Spork, that's huge progress, that he seems to have accepted reality in terms of the situation with you, and is trying to move on. Clumsily, but he's moving on. Congrats! Big sigh of relief for you, hopefully. Onward and upward, one slog at a time. You're doing great, Spork!
Sonic, I hate to say this, I really, really do. However, there is some really good advice being given here and people are listening to your frustration, BUT, and yes, that's a huge BUT; it seems that every reasonable piece of advice or opinion someone gives you, you have an excuse as to why you can't leave, what he will do, what the judge will do, what the children will do. You don't have any idea what the family court judge will do. If you really want out of this situation, you will get out. You hire an attorney and you take your kids and you get out. Is it going to be easy? Hell no! Are your kids going to rebel? Hell Yes, very likely! But, here's the thing; those kids are YOUR top priority. It is your job, since you are the most responsible parent, to protect them at all costs, from abuse and tension in the household. The court system will handle this. Don't you think a family court judge has seen cons before and knows when the court is being conned?
And by the way, yes, it is illegal to walk around with a gun strapped to your side or sit and hold it with the kids in the house. It is threatening and intimidation. If all you say is true, he is very unstable and don't you be fooled for one second as to what could happen in that house. He could break and kill you and the children. You don't know what's in his head. PTSD is unpredictable. He is unpredictable. I don't care what you have to tell your children, they are your priority. It is up to you to protect them and if you don't; whatever happens is on your hands. All the judge cares about is those kids. If you and your husband want to battle this out until one of you is dead, have at it; the judge doesn't care, but when there are kids involved, that is their top priority and concern. If you won't protect them, then they will.
Sonic, I hate to say this, I really, really do. However, there is some really good advice being given here and people are listening to your frustration, BUT, and yes, that's a huge BUT; it seems that every reasonable piece of advice or opinion someone gives you, you have an excuse as to why you can't leave, what he will do, what the judge will do, what the children will do. You don't have any idea what the family court judge will do. If you really want out of this situation, you will get out. You hire an attorney and you take your kids and you get out. Is it going to be easy? Hell no! Are your kids going to rebel? Hell Yes, very likely! But, here's the thing; those kids are YOUR top priority. It is your job, since you are the most responsible parent, to protect them at all costs, from abuse and tension in the household. The court system will handle this. Don't you think a family court judge has seen cons before and knows when the court is being conned?
And by the way, yes, it is illegal to walk around with a gun strapped to your side or sit and hold it with the kids in the house. It is threatening and intimidation. If all you say is true, he is very unstable and don't you be fooled for one second as to what could happen in that house. He could break and kill you and the children. You don't know what's in his head. PTSD is unpredictable. He is unpredictable. I don't care what you have to tell your children, they are your priority. It is up to you to protect them and if you don't; whatever happens is on your hands. All the judge cares about is those kids. If you and your husband want to battle this out until one of you is dead, have at it; the judge doesn't care, but when there are kids involved, that is their top priority and concern. If you won't protect them, then they will.
JUST DO IT BEFORE IT IS TO LATE!!!!
Again, appreciate the input, but that isn't going to happen. I know it gets nasty when you spill your guts, people tell you what to do, and then you don't do it...like I'm just asking for a tragic outcome...but there are a lot of things we have done that normal people don't do or understand, that have WORKED.
His therapy and work on himself has helped tremendously. Not a single outburst since the time that sparked the OP here. No guns, not even to take them out and clean them, nothing. No threats of suicide or violence. There were things that counselor has said to him that he just could not take coming from me. He has been writing in a journal. It has helped him a lot.
He IS investing a lot of his hopes in this one woman from his past, and he's planning to make a trip up to Oregon to see her, thinking about staying for a few months actually if she'll have him. I am afraid that this won't work out and he will be a mess all over again if it doesn't...other than that specific thing, we have no issue at the moment. I'm still staying in the guest room, hoping that a vacancy will come up in the apartment complex where I want so badly to live. But I know that if it doesn't, by the time the summer is over, I'll be looking at other alternatives.
If I predict outcomes, it is because I have a very keen understanding of PEOPLE, and my judgment is usually correct, and I know this man better than anyone. You learn to read someone when you're in a situation like this, believe me, and I've been with him for EIGHTEEN YEARS. If you think that you know him better because of "types" or labels, and I'm being blind or naive, I promise you are wrong.
I strongly believe that if this thing falls through with his former flame, he might punish or kill himself, but I don't think he will be a danger to others. As much as he employed some alarming intimidation and manipulation tactics, that were abusive (not violent, simply abusive) in nature, I honestly don't think he was ever truly a danger to anyone. He was just posturing because he felt weak and scared and out of control. When all of this was clearly explained to him, not only by me, but by his counselor, the behavior has stopped. That was months ago, and I have tested him since then. I really think that we are, for now, out of the woods on that. But I also think that if things don't work out with this woman, and he actually makes it back and doesn't deliberately drive off a cliff or something on the way back, I will have his best friend take all of his guns to his house and lock them up over there. He would allow that (from this friend, and ONLY from this friend) and it would probably just be a good idea for a while.
Anyhow. Things are things. I've been dating. He's ok with it. We are getting on with life. The kids are alright. As teenagers, they both actually have their own concerns that are, for them right now, bigger and more important than what is going on with Mom and Dad, especially since they know that we are both going to continue being a part of their lives and their family dynamic is not being completely burned to the ground.
I know what I'm doing, at this point. Cross my heart.
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You're doing great, Spork!
