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If you get to know a person well enough to want to marry them, you don't need to vet them about money as their behavior (and yours) will speak for itself. If you are fearful that your girlfriend/boyfriend is going to impoverish you, either you should seek counseling, or you aren't very observant, or why in the world would you marry such a person whose behavior you fear?
If you get to know a person well enough to want to marry them, you don't need to vet them about money as their behavior (and yours) will speak for itself. If you are fearful that your girlfriend/boyfriend is going to impoverish you, either you should seek counseling, or you aren't very observant, or why in the world would you marry such a person whose behavior you fear?
Ha ha ha wrong.
Wrong.
They can hide all sorts of crap from you.
Not bc they are evil or sneaky, but they may feel scared or intimidated or think it is none of your beezwax.
There is NO WAY anyone would know how much I make relative to how much I spend...even if we spent a bazillion years together if I didn't spell it out.
I could be spending 100% of my income or 50%. You could never know.
I usually have a decent idea of what I'm getting into by observing spending habits. If there are a lot of purchases made on credit cards, it makes me wonder.
In the past, financials have always come up within 4-5 months. I was with someone who was blowing through 5 figures a month with nothing to show for it. Turns out he was making bad investments and repeating the same mistakes. He thought nothing of it which told me all I needed to know. I would never have let him near my money.
Not bc they are evil or sneaky, but they may feel scared or intimidated or think it is none of your beezwax.
Thing is...
It really IS none of your beeswax, unless we're combining finances.
It's just not something I'd disclose to random person I happen to be seeing that may or may not go anywhere. It's simply not their business.
The issue, of course, comes in when different people have different personal ideals of what such timelines look like. I know some people would want the lay of the land before the even consider a relationship of such depth that even considering joining finances would even be put on the table. *shug* I'm still not gonna lay my personal info out to somebody unless we're becoming a financially joint venture together. So, somebody who would want to know really early on, so he could decide if he should stick around or just move on? Yeh, that dude better just move on.
If I ever get married (extremely unlikely), I will insist that the woman I marry & I have separate bank accounts - no exceptions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by erjunkee
I think often times people in serious romantic relationships act strange, in the sense that they don't want to talk about finances, spending habits, financial attitudes/mindsets, etc.
This baffles me, as they're willing to talk about and engage in sex (something I consider infinitely more private and personal)...yet clam up when discussing their individualized views on money.
I have the completely opposite viewpoint. As far as the privacy level of sex vs. personal finances, my personal finances are a lot more private - to me at least! I will disclose sexual preferences to a woman who is a perfect stranger before a relationship even begins; and I will sleep with women I barely know. However, I have gone months & in some cases years in a relationship without letting a woman know anything about my finances.
In other words, a woman can mess around with my body (and even my emotions to some extent) all she wants - but she sure won't be messing around with my money.
Last edited by The Big Lebowski Dude; 07-24-2015 at 01:06 PM..
If you get to know a person well enough to want to marry them, you don't need to vet them about money as their behavior (and yours) will speak for itself. If you are fearful that your girlfriend/boyfriend is going to impoverish you, either you should seek counseling, or you aren't very observant, or why in the world would you marry such a person whose behavior you fear?
I lived with my wife first as friends/roommates then as a couple for 8 years before deciding to get married. Her debts didn't come to light until after we were married and combining our finances. It isn't my business until after we are married.... so its not like I could "observe" her cash flow.
I do recommend not waiting and press for a discussion before getting married. I would have married her anyways but it would have been nice to know about the debts going into it.
It really IS none of your beeswax, unless we're combining finances.
It's just not something I'd disclose to random person I happen to be seeing that may or may not go anywhere. It's simply not their business.
.
No. I agree.
Not just any random.
But anyone you really could get serious with.
And can be disclosed in increments.
In the beginning, you might note attire, car, superficial stuff...though not necessarily reliable, it may point to tastes and habits.
Then as the weeks roll by, get to note their spending habits and hobbies/interests. You can discuss financial philosophy.
Then discuss debts...then see if they are ponying up dough to deadbeat family...when serious, discuss income, assets, investments, etc.
I think we had a bunch of small conversations while we were dating, but about a year into our relationship, we did a cross-country move together and at that point, I gave him all of my account information. I had about $20K of student loan debt at the time and he didn't have any debt, so we were both in a pretty good place. He is more frugal than I am and I honestly think he likes looking at finances whereas I don't, so it worked out for the both of us.
We combined finances a few months before getting married and while I was nervous about it at first (I'm not a spendthrift, but I do spend more than DH), it was one of the best decisions.
In the beginning, you might note attire, car, superficial stuff...though not necessarily reliable, it may point to tastes and habits.
Then as the weeks roll by, get to note their spending habits and hobbies/interests. You can discuss financial philosophy.
Then discuss debts...then see if they are ponying up dough to deadbeat family...when serious, discuss income, assets, investments, etc.
This is how it happened with us. It was an organic process.
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This is how it happened with us. It was an organic process.
Thing is, I have had friends on the cusp of getting married whu did not know and were afraid to even ask.
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