Would you considered this to be "Controlling"? He controlling? (wife, married)

[gouligann]

Originally Posted by thestaircase

Thank you everyone for the advice. Thank you "gouligann".

This is the 5th year since we met, dated and married. I drag this relationship longer than it should. Because of my childhood experience, I constantly test his love and his patience. And he passed it all. He really understanding and patience with me.

In denfense my husband, it NOT his fault that my abusive Chinese mother disapproved him. My mother disapproved him solely because of his ethnicity, she doesn't like his ethnicity.
His ethnicity is irrelevant in this topic.

Because of my childhood. I tends to constantly find faults in my marriage, I try to find faults in him. And he always try his best to secure me in everything.
People told me it not a husband problem, it all MY problem. And I need to work on my emotional childhood baggage.

This Office job have been on his mind for a while. He said because I know how to use well Microsoft Office: Microsoft Excel, Powerpoint and Word. And I type over 120 word per minute. And I speak fluently 3 languages.
And I did at an office job once, eventhough it was a long time ago in the past. But that do count as I have some experience.
He thinks I should use my skills and previous experience to go find an office job now.

He said let him take care of me. He said long gone are the days when I have to work in Chinese noodles restaurant wash dishes and do waitress.
Long gone are the days I had eat rice with soy sauce just to save money. Long gone are the days when I have to live in Homeless shelter I first left my mother house, I didn't have a place to stay right away so I have to sleep in Women shelter. But that was a decade ago.
My life is fine now, marriage been so peaceful and smooth.

He said put all those hard days behind me. And let him take care of me. I understand his good intentions. But I always have my guard up, I build up walls inside myself to protect my emotions. You know what I mean?

I be frank, I'm a very difficult girl to live with, I can be exhausted. Due to me constantly testing his love. He is a saint to put up this much with my emotional baggage.

He a caring guy and he thinks of me first. For example, 1 job he get pay weekly, and 1 job he get pay bi-weekly.
Every time he get pay, he always bring back those news $100 dollars bills, with the (s) as in more than one $100 dollars bills. He puts it in the wallet at home for me.
Every.single.time. he get pay he do that. He not a selfish guy at all.

He said spend it on anything I want. Go shopping and spend it, buy things for myself.
But I don't want to spend it, because I myself have a job too. And from my original post, I already explain. I value independence above all.

I told him I put the money in the saving, we use it for emergency days.
Because I don't spend it, the money add up by itself weekly. I can't have these cash laying around, so I have to put it in the saving. He really not a selfish guy.

I know he work hard for our future. And I appreciate him for that. It just I struggle alot inside due to my childhood. Pehaps he right that my skills is wasted if I don't work in office job.
I don't love Retail. Who would want to run around get shoe for customers? But I'm fighting it because of my childhood. Maybe I'm stubborn myself. My normal meter must be somewhat broken due to my childhood. Perhaps I interpret his good intentions into him being controlling.

I think if he was trying to control you, you would have felt this long ago. You've tested him and tested him and he's passed with honors. He's proven himself and his love, and I think it is time that you should trust him that he isn't trying to control you.

If I have one piece of advice to give you for keeping this happy marriage, it is to stop pushing him, let your guard down, let him be the great guy he sounds like, and just believe IN him. No man can handle negativity all the time. As patient as he is, he will get tired of it. You don't want to push him to the point he gives up being patient and decides to walk away from your insecurities and problems stemming from your childhood. Put the past behind you. If you need counselling to help you get you over the past, then GO! Be happy in knowing that you have a gem for a husband. Hang onto that man!

[aquietpath]

I would not recommend getting an office job until your command of the written English language improves. Your choice in jobs should be up to you - not your husband.

[stan4]

Don't have the baby.
Not with this many trepidations.

[thestaircase]

I work at office job before, it just a long time ago while back.
I work at Chinese Dentist office before. Being a receptionist front desk. My written English bad grammars doesn't effect much. Because I speak fluent English, I speak English fast and fluent.
I have no problem answers conversation on the phone in English, no problem greetings patience and speaking English to them.

I'm also fluent 3 other languages including Chinese (Cantonese and Mandarin), and 2 other Asian languages. And I speak English fluently.
There alot of Chinese doctor, and Chinese dentist office and business here in where I live. It not hard to get an office job at a Chinese office.

I don't know why I'm still fighting this. I know my husband wants the best interest for me, and I'm struggling fighting inside. My normal meter is broken due to my childhood experience with my abusive mother.

[495neighbor]

Well you say your family neglected you and doesn't support you. Perhaps knowing that your husband is trying to fill that gap by being extra protective.

[CraigCreek]

Your husband sounds more protective than controlling to me. I wonder if there is a problem with communication and clear understanding, since English clearly is not your native language? Perhaps some short-term counseling would be beneficial in getting you both on the same page and clarifying your mutual expectations for your marriage and potential child or children.

Perhaps you could start to look for an office job now (hint: polish your written English, and learn the correct use of the word "is" ;-)), and continue to work at your present job meanwhile. Since you and your husband have agreed that you'll try to get pregnant next year, start taking prenatal vitamins now, go to the doctor for a check-up, and do what you can to prepare,, regardless of your work.

Best wishes to you.

[Miss Blue]

I don't think your husband is controlling you. It sounds like your husband loves you very much and is very concerned for your health when you get pregnant.

He is not being controlling, he is being sensitive to your need to be independent by telling you to try to find a job where you will not be on your feet so much. Retail jobs can be very hard on a pregnant lady.

You are not married to the Chinese community, let them think what they want. Your mother disowned you, you owe her nothing. Don't compare her controlling nature with your loving concern of your husband.

[cdnirene]

What struck me about your opening post was your repeating the word minimum wage job over and over again and linking it to independence. It's almost as if you were thinking that if the job paid more than minimum wage, you wouldn't be independent any more and thus your goal is ALWAYS to have a job which pays minimum wage. Very strange. I would have thought your self esteem would rise the more employers decided you were worth. I am very surprised by your lack of ambition for a better paying job given your desire for independence.

I suspect that your husband is strongly pushing for an office job because he is concerned about your health and the health of the baby and it is the only type of job he can think of that you are currently qualified for which will keep you off your feet during pregnancy. The idea of being able to spend more time with you during holiday periods is appealing to him too. I don't find this controlling. I'm sure he knows you don't love your current job.

If an office job or any job which does not involve standing on your feet is not appealing to you, have you thought about taking courses instead which will help you get a well paying job in future? That truly is the road to independence.

As an aside, I think you might benefit from speaking to a therapist about your childhood baggage. You seem very confused right now.

[animalcrazy]

Dear one, why do you live in the past so much or it it a tool that you use to manipulate? Poor me I had a terrible childhood so I'll use that to base the rest of my life and hope that everyone feels sorry for me and fulfills what my mother couldn't. Why are you stuck in that rut? You stated that your husband gives you whatever you want and need. It's easy to become spoiled and selfish when you marry a giver, but sooner or later even givers need to take. I moved 50 miles away for my husband and changed careers as well. He's only asking that you find an easier job. What's the problem? I never felt controlled by my husband when I made these changes. It was all for the good of "us." Stop thinking in terms of me and start thinking in terms of us and our family. Maybe that change in thought pattern will give you a different perspective as to why your husbands asks what he asks. It's time to be an adult dear one and find a way to heal your bruised inner child. The time for blaming your mother is over. Why let her win over and over and over......

[Kibbiekat]

I think your husband is being practical and I think you are holding on to your current job for the wrong reasons. I can't tell from your description if he is being controlling or not.

You need to ask yourself what you'd rather be doing and what kind of hours you want to work after you have a baby, and why. Holding on to a job that pays badly and you don't even like for emotional reasons doesn't make any sense.