The truth is women are raised to be ashamed of their sexuality. Then guys complain and women feel guilty (date, Christian)
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I'm starting this thread to share a few personal and familiar experiences related to how women are raised to think about sex, and to shed some light on why some women are boring or inactive bed, despite being cute and smart and everything else the guys may be looking for. My guess is that more women can relate to this, and I hope those who do will share their views as well. The benefit of this thread is that guys may realize that they are not doing it wrong- it's just that we, women, are sometimes too inhibited. But things can be changed, and for a start that can be done by stopping sl*t-shaming and by raising your daughters without the idea that wanting sex is bad.
I grew up in a traditionally-conservative-religious family in Eastern Europe. When watching a movie, my parents would tell my sister and I to close our eyes when there was a kissing scene; if there was any sex involved, they changed the channel. When I reached puberty my mother told me that all guys are looking for is to sleep with girls, and I should not let any of the guys from school touch me in any way and should not get involved in any conversations that can turn "naughty". I was one of the first girls in my class to wear a bra, and the first day I had to wear it at school I wanted to hide somewhere out of shame. When I had my periods at school the cramps hurt like a mother-f*cker and on the days I forgot to bring pain killers with me I had to man up and suffer through, while sweating, feeling nauseous and getting pale, but i could not excuse myself because I would have had to explain why, and i would have rather died than admit to anyone, especially the male teachers why i was feeling like crap. My mother and grandmother filled my head with stories about girls who allowed guys too closely and then got pregnant, or not, but they had the reputation of whores, and normal girls don't do that. Of course there was brain picking about how pre-marital sex is the worst sin ever. In fact, even after marriage sex was to make babies only, and if you had a horny husband, poor you, you'll have to suck it up and fulfill your wifely duties once in a while. Women in my family would proudly tell each other that no, unlike their dirty pig husbands, sex is not a need for them; instead they have much more angelic interests- tending to children, decorating the house and cooking meals. But once in a while their husbands won't take no for an answer, and then they had to suffer through it. There were examples of women who dressed more provocatively, and some even slept with guys they weren't married to - and oh my god, what sluts! they will never find a husband or true love because who wants a woman like that?! this is of course an extreme example, but it's a real life one.
When I came to the US I thought i was in the land of the free. I bought my first mini skirt here, and i was looking forward to more liberal thinking. Only to find out that to a degree or another women here were similarly oppressed in exploring and embracing their sexuality. Monica Lewinsky gave head- what a wh*re! "Lose weight so all men will want you" articles (because if you are not size Zero you are not good enough to be wanted). The 7 grade nerd slept with a senior football player- ugly sl*t, she's so desperate she'll give it to anyone else, let's line up! I am sure there are more examples like that, and maybe others can contribute.
I am by no means a feminist, but i think being sexual should be a universal right, despite one's gender. Most will agree, I guess, but then the same people who agree will turn around and sl*t shame some girl they know; or they raise their daughters with the idea that boys want sex, masturbate and watch porn (but girls don't). Then these daughters turn into the women you date and marry. For some having sex for the first time is such a big deal that they won't leave that guy, even if he turns out to be an a**whole. Some are ashamed to enjoy sex as a natural thing, and when they are with a guy, they get drunk or high, because otherwise they'd be too inhibited to do anything. Others just lay there like a piece of wood, and then their boyfriends/husbands complain.
Each day I challenge myself to not give a rat's a** what anyone thinks and just go for what I like, and from than comes confidence and the freedom to voice enjoyment, and courage to initiate and to explore new things and to say what i like and what i don't. It took me ten years to get here though; i wish i was wild and free when i was twenty- that would have been a lot more fun for myself and for my boyfriend at the time.
Of course parents don't want their daughters to end up hurt, or pregnant when a teenager, or with an STD. In which case these are exactly the topics that should be covered in sex ed: how to have physically and emotionally safe sex, not how sex is bad altogether, especially if you are a girl. Bring on "but the Bible says" arguments, I dare you.
Interesting topic. I went to a Christian school for a long time so of course I was taught that sex before marriage was sinful. However my own parents never married, so based on what I was being taught at school from a very young age, my parents were sinners and I should never have been born. My mom has always been pretty open about talking to me about sex. I know she had very little interest in sex with my dad, partly because she resents him for never marrying her and secondly because she was never really that physically attracted to him. I do think she's had sex with other men outside of her relationship with my dad, but she talks to me about how she thinks certain sex acts are gross and she thinks genitals are dirty and smelly. She told me about how her father used to pull her mother into the bedroom all the time whenever he wanted sex (even when she didn't want to), and her father still cheated on her mother and had children outside of the marriage. My mom has also told me how men are generally no good and I'd be better off not to deal with any of them, and that if she were financially independent, she'd want nothing to do with a man.
So no, I don't think I ever got the idea that sex was a good thing for women. lol
I was never raised to be ashamed of sexuality. Actually, "raised" is a bit of strong word, because I had a rather feral upbringing, with virtually no rules or supervision; I had the ultimate freedom to form my own views and develop a moral compass. Ironically, I got into a lot less trouble and had sex later than all my friends, who came from normal families, with parents and church and rules and guidance. There was nothing for me to rebel against, I guess, LOL.
Due to some other things that happened when I was younger (not sure if I'm comfortable sharing), I developed a callous early on, which allowed me to skip right past the "I just want boys to like me" stage. Instead, I was quite adamant that I would not be a human fleshlight for some horny teenage boy; schmoozing and sweet-talking does not work with me, and I have a nose for bull****. I would have sex when I was good and ready, completely unencumbered by societal views or anyone else's expectations. And that's how it all played out: a positive attitude toward sex, nor weird hang-ups or need to play coy games.
Last edited by Ginge McFantaPants; 09-24-2015 at 08:37 AM..
OH god **** shamers. Public enemy number 1. They make getting laid for men so much harder than it has to be. Damn them. Why should a woman feel guilty for wanting me? I'm fabulous.
... I developed a callous early on, which allowed me to skip right past the "I just want boys to like me" stage. Instead, I was quite adamant that I would not be a human fleshlight for some horny teenage boy; schmoozing and sweet-talking does not work with me, and I have a nose for bull****. I would have sex when I was good and ready, completely unencumbered by societal views or anyone else's expectations. And that's how it all played out: a positive attitude toward, nor weird hang-ups or need to play coy games.
Well said. I made up my mind as a teenager that I was going to be in control of my sexuality and sex life, not anyone or anything else.
Um, Monica was called a w***e because she was fncking a married man. The 7th grader is a slit because she's only 12 years old.
Still, the whole thing was more Bill's fault than Monica's. She was young, single, and not in his position of power. And the senior boy is much more at fault than a 12 year old.
Still, the whole thing was more Bill's fault than Monica's. She was young, single, and not in his position of power. And the senior boy is much more at fault than a 12 year old.
It takes two to tango, and she knew he was married. Of course he was lambasted for it as well, but he didn't exactly rape her.
I agree the senior boy was more at fault, but the OP is talking about wanting to live her life free, and specifically picked those two examples to use in her argument for calling women slits and whores.
I grew a bit similar to the OP. My parents were fine with any sort of violence on the TV, I could watch any horror movie ever. They changed the channel with sex or nudity.
We didn't have the "talk." But I also developed early, and my mom was so paranoid I would get pregnant as a teen. That was her big worry, she always said "be smart, let me know if you need birth control." But there was actually no other conversations about sex. The life lessons were focused on don't get pregnant or attached to early. Live your life before you get married and have kids. Most of her sisters married off and had kids fast. Many were in abusive relationships. Most of her sisters also divorced due to having crappy husbands (some of these relationships were quite violent). My mom also had an annulment before marrying my dad I still know little about.
I wish my mom would have better prepped me for the unwanted attention that comes to teen girls who start wearing bras as preteens. I had a lot of advanced from old men from age 11-25. It has only toned down some in my 30s, or I know how to handle it better.
I pretty much ignored boys till college, there just weren't many people I was interested in, and a semi-nerdy black girl in mostly segregated white schools isn't high on the popularity list for high school boys. As I got a little older, and met people more like me (yay nerds!) I found more people were interested.
Combine the lack of info from my parents with the societal messaging that black women are jezebels and hyper sexual and the like, let's just say I heard a lot of messaging about how I needed to be pure and virginal so people would treat me well and take me seriously. I already had plenty of strikes. So yes, there were lots of factors that made it hard for me to come into my own sexuality. And yes, I still don't talk about sex with my parents!
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