Will Dating Be Much Easier for Me in My Late 30s and 40s?
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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaLind
Perhaps. But I think it's more the realization that it takes more than love to have a long term relationship. Without love there can be no real relationship for certain. But relationships are not Disney simple where love is all it takes. Love is needed to form a romantic relationship, but love can not sustain a relationship long-term. It takes compromise, tolerance, common ground, trust, respect, safety, partnership, communication, and happiness to sustain a relationship.
That is why the relationships of our youth, while full of love, don't last. We don't look to these other aspects which are the glue to hold things together.
Wise words.
Sure, being willing to commit is great, being responsible is great, having a job, blah blah... but what good is any of that if you're not in love with the person? And are you going to fall in love with someone you don't like being with and having fun with?
And what good is being in love with them (except for the butterflies, which are great) if their life is a wreck?
Personally I don't get the dating was better in my 20s. It was so random meeting a cute woman I hit it off with in my 20s at a party or a show. Yeah, it happened a few times and we ended up dating, but nothing like late 30s and 40s where you can date whenever you want by turning on an app and exchanging some messages, but I guess I live in a good area for it, or so I'm told.
No, it's not going to get easier the older you get for two reasons:
- Reduction in available partners. By their late 20's, most people have paired up and are either married, heading for marriage, or at least happy in various forms of long-term relationships. By the time you get to your 30's and 40's, your options are vastly reduced. To give you an idea of how bad it gets, there are only 2 single women in my social circle, and there's a reason they are single (not married, not in any relationships, and have not been in any relationship for years). Both are miserable people that drain the fun out of any gathering, both are angry, judgmental bible-thumpers, and one is a single mother who smokes like a chimney and the other is horrifically obese. So, yeah... I'm not saying ALL long-time available women at that age are not relationship material, but for many of them there's a self-inflicted reason for their situation.
- Lack of experience counts heavily against men. Just as society looks down upon women who have too many partners, it looks down upon men with too few. If you're a guy who's not actively "chasing the ladies," it is assumed there's something horribly wrong with you. This gets worse the older you get, so it doesn't matter if you're actually a good person with a stable career who'd make a fine husband or boyfriend - you're not in a relationship and you're old, so clearly you're some sort of "weirdo" with some horrible flaw that nobody can actually define and thus deserve to live alone. Most men in this situation end up that way from a lack of self-confidence or because they bought into the nonsense that focusing on your studies and career early on to the exclusion of seriously looking for a mate would pay off later - it doesn't. Don't fall for that nonsense.
The difference is that I've been married, so it "should" be less of a stigma since it shows I'm willing to commit. Also, the divorce wasn't caused by me cheating, being abusive, or having an addiction. I'm not someone who fears commitment or ever had a problem getting dates until I moved where I am now.
If I recall correctly, you were having an awful time dating in Atlanta and couldn't wait to move. And now dating hasn't worked out in OK. How much of it really is location?
No, it's not going to get easier the older you get for two reasons:
- Reduction in available partners. By their late 20's, most people have paired up and are either married, heading for marriage, or at least happy in various forms of long-term relationships. By the time you get to your 30's and 40's, your options are vastly reduced. To give you an idea of how bad it gets, there are only 2 single women in my social circle, and there's a reason they are single (not married, not in any relationships, and have not been in any relationship for years). Both are miserable people that drain the fun out of any gathering, both are angry, judgmental bible-thumpers, and one is a single mother who smokes like a chimney and the other is horrifically obese. So, yeah... I'm not saying ALL long-time available women at that age are not relationship material, but for many of them there's a self-inflicted reason for their situation.
- Lack of experience counts heavily against men. Just as society looks down upon women who have too many partners, it looks down upon men with too few. If you're a guy who's not actively "chasing the ladies," it is assumed there's something horribly wrong with you. This gets worse the older you get, so it doesn't matter if you're actually a good person with a stable career who'd make a fine husband or boyfriend - you're not in a relationship and you're old, so clearly you're some sort of "weirdo" with some horrible flaw that nobody can actually define and thus deserve to live alone. Most men in this situation end up that way from a lack of self-confidence or because they bought into the nonsense that focusing on your studies and career early on to the exclusion of seriously looking for a mate would pay off later - it doesn't. Don't fall for that nonsense.
Very good post! Dating to find a long-term partner is more difficult as you get older no doubt.
For those that are single in their 30s or 40s though, really it's no big deal. There's no failure on your part to do anything. There's nothing necessarily 'wrong' with you. There is tremendous freedom in being single.
So just count the blessings and enjoy single life if this is something that has past you by.
No, it's not going to get easier the older you get for two reasons:
- Reduction in available partners. By their late 20's, most people have paired up and are either married, heading for marriage, or at least happy in various forms of long-term relationships. By the time you get to your 30's and 40's, your options are vastly reduced. To give you an idea of how bad it gets, there are only 2 single women in my social circle, and there's a reason they are single (not married, not in any relationships, and have not been in any relationship for years). Both are miserable people that drain the fun out of any gathering, both are angry, judgmental bible-thumpers, and one is a single mother who smokes like a chimney and the other is horrifically obese. So, yeah... I'm not saying ALL long-time available women at that age are not relationship material, but for many of them there's a self-inflicted reason for their situation.
- Lack of experience counts heavily against men. Just as society looks down upon women who have too many partners, it looks down upon men with too few. If you're a guy who's not actively "chasing the ladies," it is assumed there's something horribly wrong with you. This gets worse the older you get, so it doesn't matter if you're actually a good person with a stable career who'd make a fine husband or boyfriend - you're not in a relationship and you're old, so clearly you're some sort of "weirdo" with some horrible flaw that nobody can actually define and thus deserve to live alone. Most men in this situation end up that way from a lack of self-confidence or because they bought into the nonsense that focusing on your studies and career early on to the exclusion of seriously looking for a mate would pay off later - it doesn't. Don't fall for that nonsense.
Disagree.
Not sure what your circumstances are, and I'm not judging anything you mentioned. You have a couple of specific examples in your post that don't reflect a lot of what I see. Might be a geographical thing.
What I'm seeing is a lot of gals who were married in their 20s-30s getting divorced and newly single in their 40s. Most of 'em have some life experience and don't play games. Quite a few will gravitate towards someone their age who is both in good shape and has a well established career.
Further, most men have much, much more relationship experience then and make better choices.
In this day, divorce is all too common and the huge legal and financial risk that goes along with a sudden (or early) marraige can ruin a family for an entire generation.
So no, the sky isn't falling suddenly at age 40, and yes....it's very good common sense to have your act and career together before rushing into anything.....or in this young mans case, overthinking future romance.
No, it's not going to get easier the older you get for two reasons:
- Reduction in available partners. By their late 20's, most people have paired up and are either married, heading for marriage, or at least happy in various forms of long-term relationships. By the time you get to your 30's and 40's, your options are vastly reduced. To give you an idea of how bad it gets, there are only 2 single women in my social circle, and there's a reason they are single (not married, not in any relationships, and have not been in any relationship for years). Both are miserable people that drain the fun out of any gathering, both are angry, judgmental bible-thumpers, and one is a single mother who smokes like a chimney and the other is horrifically obese. So, yeah... I'm not saying ALL long-time available women at that age are not relationship material, but for many of them there's a self-inflicted reason for their situation.
- Lack of experience counts heavily against men. Just as society looks down upon women who have too many partners, it looks down upon men with too few. If you're a guy who's not actively "chasing the ladies," it is assumed there's something horribly wrong with you. This gets worse the older you get, so it doesn't matter if you're actually a good person with a stable career who'd make a fine husband or boyfriend - you're not in a relationship and you're old, so clearly you're some sort of "weirdo" with some horrible flaw that nobody can actually define and thus deserve to live alone. Most men in this situation end up that way from a lack of self-confidence or because they bought into the nonsense that focusing on your studies and career early on to the exclusion of seriously looking for a mate would pay off later - it doesn't. Don't fall for that nonsense.
I feel that dating apps/sites have helped with the 1st one. Maybe back before the internet and what not, you would have been correct with this assumption.
As for the 2nd one, meh, I don't buy it that much. A woman can easily lie and say she's had a few partners, and a guy can lie about his lack of experience (or act in a way that a woman won't think he lacks experience). Doesn't mean anything, in my opinion. As for focusing on your studies and career, it is a smart move. What's the point of looking for a mate if you're career and studies are in the toilet? Obviously and ideally, there should be a balance if you want a mate to marry/have a long term relationship with.
And sometimes, some people (men and women) just have bad luck with dating, or don't want to date in a particular timeframe. Doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them.
Last edited by NewYorker11356; 08-03-2016 at 02:18 PM..
Not sure what your circumstances are, and I'm not judging anything you mentioned. You have a couple of specific examples in your post that don't reflect a lot of what I see. Might be a geographical thing.
What I'm seeing is a lot of gals who were married in their 20s-30s getting divorced and newly single in their 40s. Most of 'em have some life experience and don't play games. Quite a few will gravitate towards someone their age who is both in good shape and has a well established career.
Further, most men have much, much more relationship experience then and make better choices.
In this day, divorce is all too common and the huge legal and financial risk that goes along with a sudden (or early) marraige can ruin a family for an entire generation.
So no, the sky isn't falling suddenly at age 40, and yes....it's very good common sense to have your act and career together before rushing into anything.....or in this young mans case, overthinking future romance.
The problem is that most of these women are done having kids, or don't plan to have any.
Many guys in the 32-38 range are still trying to have their first child.
The problem is that most of these women are done having kids, or don't plan to have any.
Many guys in the 32-38 range are still trying to have their first child.
Good point......I wasn't thinking of kids.
Still.....not worth a rush. Slow and pick well I say....
If I recall correctly, you were having an awful time dating in Atlanta and couldn't wait to move. And now dating hasn't worked out in OK. How much of it really is location?
Good Lord, do you really track all my old posts? That was 4 years ago and I needed a change. I was still living in the house I was married in and not working after the Great Recession. Thats why I couldn't date in Atlanta. Things have changed and I'm over my divorce and successful now. Hopefully, that makes a difference, but I do admit I'm not overly optimistic, primarily because of my age now.
I can't answer that, but women are now starting to "notice me" since I have my house and **** together. Maybe it goes hand and hand.
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