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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,948,491 times
Reputation: 40635
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Quote:
Originally Posted by April R
Just wondering how the male/female relationship dynamics work in a committed relationship. If there are limits you have voluntarily placed on your interactions with female friends and if so, who are you to judge when a person has a different level of comfort and limitations for opposite sex friendships within a committed relationship?
No, whenever I've been in a monogamous committed relationship there were no limits placed on either of our interactions with our friends. What a odd concept. Boyfriends/girlfriends etc don't get to restrict their partner's friendships. That sounds really messed up conceptually.
I'm still here and still married and still working my own mess out. My experience should serve as a warning and recognized as valid experiential advice, not worthy of derision by a stranger on a message board.
This is exactly what I mean. All we know is that she is seeing a life coach. And somehow you and others have leaped the to conclusion that this is automatically going to lead to an emotional or physical affair. He hasn't provided any proof that things are heading that way. All we know is that her and a friend are helping each other out - he's helping her by coaching her and she's helping him by being one of his first clients. The OP hasn't said that she can't stop talking about him, that they are texting all the time, that they are hanging out all the time in addition to the sessions, etc. Not all people cheat. And not all people are attracted to each other.
He also hasn't mentioned any real problems in the relationship on her end. He thinks she's insecure about her body and he is very very jealous of her life coach. None of these things are problems that she has with the relationship. So I can't for the life of me figure out why everyone is jumping on the "she's obviously going to cheat on you!" bandwagon since we know nothing about her other than she is seeing a life coach. I recommended one of my friends see a life coach or a business coach to help her manage her work/home life. I certainly wasn't suggesting she have an affair. The two things are not synonymous to me.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,948,491 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdroplet76
He also hasn't mentioned any real problems in the relationship on her end. He thinks she's insecure about her body and he is very very jealous of her life coach. None of these things are problems that she has with the relationship. So I can't for the life of me figure out why everyone is jumping on the "she's obviously going to cheat on you!" bandwagon since we know nothing about her other than she is seeing a life coach. I recommended one of my friends see a life coach or a business coach to help her manage her work/home life. I certainly wasn't suggesting she have an affair. The two things are not synonymous to me.
I think it is coming back to the mindset some people oddly have that men and women can't really be friends. That there HAS to be something else happening. Of course that is ridiculous, but many of the viewpoints on this forum are.
No, whenever I've been in a monogamous committed relationship there were no limits placed on either of our interactions with our friends. What a odd concept. Boyfriends/girlfriends etc don't get to restrict their partner's friendships. That sounds really messed up conceptually.
You find it a "messed up" concept but regardless we all place restrictions on our interactions with others. Do you discuss sexual issues with your friends, do you physically touch or bond with your friends, do you share emotional or relationship problems with your friends? Does the extent to which you do so change when you are not in a committed relationship? You may think you act the same way with your female friends whether you are in a relationship or not, but I doubt you actually do or you are being stubbornly obtuse to reality. If you tell your female partner she better suck it up and not have any issues with your interactions with your female friends then you are just egotistical and don't care how your actions effect your SO. I'm using YOU not specifically just addressing your situation, btw.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,948,491 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by April R
You find it a "messed up" concept but regardless we all place restrictions on our interactions with others
We do. We generally don't let others to it to us. And we don't tell others to do it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by April R
Do you discuss sexual issues with your friends, do you physically touch or bond with your friends, do you share emotional or relationship problems with your friends?
The answer would depend on the individual friendship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by April R
Does the extent to which you do so change when you are not in a committed relationship?
Of course not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by April R
You may think you act the same way with your female friends whether you are in a relationship or not, but I doubt you actually do or you are being stubbornly obtuse to reality.
How would I act any different with them? I can't think of a case. The only thing I can think of is spending less time with them because I'm spending more time with my partner.
Quote:
Originally Posted by April R
If you tell your female partner she better suck it up and not have any issues with your interactions with your female friends then you are just egotistical and don't Dohow your actions effect your SO. I'm using YOU not specifically just addressing your situation, btw.
I've never in my 25 years of dating had a woman try to control who I am friends with or how I relate to my friends. Not that I can recall. So your point is moot. I date quality people, so I don't get into these messed up scenarios.
But if a romantic interest tried to harm a friendship I have with someone, they would not remain in my life very long. I will tell you that.
Timber, you've never had a real exclusive relationship then, sorry. To each their own. I don't judge your way and I sympathize and understand the OP's concerns.
There are some really jealous folks on this forum with some serious trust issues. I can't believe this thread still has legs. Good lord. People must be really bored at work this week.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,948,491 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by April R
Timber, you've never had a real exclusive relationship then, sorry. To each their own. I don't judge your way and I sympathize and understand the OP's concerns.
You're judging me with that statement. So in turn:
Of course I have. More than a few. Lived with people, and was engaged once. Exclusive/monogamous relationships are the norm for me.
That has nothing to do with this. If you consider that exclusivity needs to include controlling or restricting who you're partner is friends with, then I suggest you should re-examine your definition as it is really messed up.
Timber, you're projecting. I'm not judging your past relationships, just questioning your definition of exclusivity. I've had posters on this very message board claim discussing relationship problems or sexual issues with a friend of the opposite Sex is emotional cheating and never acceptable. If you disagree then good for you. However, OP obviously feels it a violation of his trust in his gf and he needs to address his very real and legitimate concern.
You're judging me with that statement. So in turn:
Of course I have. More than a few. Lived with people, and was engaged once. Exclusive/monogamous relationships are the norm for me.
That has nothing to do with this. If you consider that exclusivity needs to include controlling or restricting who you're partner is friends with, then I suggest you should re-examine your definition as it is really messed up.
Was engaged?
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