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He is who he is, no matter how LONG you talk to him.
NEVER marry someone thinking that they will change something. If you don't want things to be exactly the way they are now (and maybe sometimes worse) for the rest of your life, don't marry him.
This!! OP, you need to ask yourself, are YOU willing to change? I'm convinced the reason why the first year of marriage is so tough is that both parties come to the relationship with huge expectations. That first year is a dose of reality. People who survive are able to back off their demands for life to be just the wa they pictured it and accept their spouse for who they are. It has to happen on both sides of the relationship. If you guys can't do that, you'll just have this same argument over and over. The words may be different. But the issue is the same. If you aren't ready to do that, don't even begin to think about marriage.
Hello! OP here, just for a final update.
We are still together after a long conversation last night.
He did explain things very well regarding why he was feeling unsure about my motives towards being with him.
He did agree he was cheap
He also agreed that now he sees why I was insulted
But also, he also mentioned that he doesn't want to end up always paying even if does "step up" from now on like I asked him to, and he wasn't sure if I was here for "fun" or for the long run so it was hard for him to invest in me.
I had to assure him that I will like to see a long term future with him (will like a marriage for life if we do get married) but he is just giving me a grim look if we do get married if he keeps on being stingy. Also, like always I will like to pull forth my fair share in the relationship when it comes to paying for things.
He said if we were to marry and have kids, he will take care of me and the children and that is what he hopes to become of us.
Sorry for pulling you all in and twisting the view, I felt very unappreciated with him and I wanted to ask from his view. Also, to be honest I wanted both opinions and as a female I didn't want to be dismissed as being just too sensitive. (you know people do that, I am not that sensitive but some people assume you just are)
to be honest, I am still on the fence with him. like some people mentioned it's the same issue we keep on having just wrapped up in a different way. I was really ready for us to end last night, but we came to a compromise.
I hope we don't have this kind of a huge argument, but if we do I might be back on city data or it will just be the end for us.
Thank you all again!!
O kaaay...
For starters, you never will be able to ask from his "view" because it's basically tainted by yours. It doesn't help that you're also backtracking and defending the coffee incident, why bring it up in the first place?
Stingy people... suck. My sister is married to one and he astounds me with how low he can go-- but while my sister tolerates (and enables) this behavior, she always get surprised and wounded with each new incidences. Its a miserable situation for her and the kids.
Lastly, you guys been together for at least a year and he feels the way he does? And... you were okay with it? Wow.
I agree, you need to man up and start paying more often. I grew up in a different time with a different mindset..........we guys always paid. After my divorce I lived with a lady for 7 years and she insisted on paying half every time we went anywhere, that made me very uncomfortable. Some times I would say, "Nope, tonight is on me, I want to buy us dinner." She would put up an argument, but I would insist.
I know women won a lot of things that they deserved through the women's movements, but they also lost a lot too. One of them was men being men and women being women........in that, I mean that we used to put women on pedestals and take care of them. Little things, like opening doors, walking on the outside of the sidewalk to protect them, not saying certain words in front of them, and paying for our times out. Now, I see guys walking ahead of their women, letting the door hit them, and treating them like one of the guys.
Start treating her like something special and you will get your rewards in spades, believe me.
Don
I am probably of your same generation. I see your point. Unfortunately, there have been plenty of women who have a guy buy them dinner then expect sex in return. (I went on a couple of dates with a guy and I paid my half each time because I didn't want to have to "owe" him anything.) Then, there are also guys who date women who will take advantage of a guy. Frankly, the behavior from both sexes is saddening - and likely the reason we are in the shape we are.
As to the original post, if there is going to be an argument over a cup of coffee, there is no hope for issues on a larger scale. IMHO, asking a waitress to split a bill because there is a coffee charged is simply ridiculous.
If you're waiting around for some girl to spilt everything 50/50, you might be waiting for a long time. On the one hand, you don't necessarily want a girl who's only in it for the free food. Still, it may be a cultural thing. Women expecting men to pay. I've had a few millionaire girlfriends. At first, they were eager to pay their share. But that almost seemed like a show. Anyway, maybe it's all part of being male. Sometimes, you have to pay. I wouldn't waste too many brain cells worrying about it.
It makes me wonder why this 'men are suppose to pay' notion lingers on. Are people telling/raising their kids with this? If so, they need to stop; they're part of of the problem.
It makes me wonder why this 'men are suppose to pay' notion lingers on. Are people telling/raising their kids with this? If so, they need to stop; they're part of of the problem.
Everyone seems to be ignoring the part where OP said that his gf makes more than him.
OP, my advice is to get out of this relationship now.
I don't advise anyone to get in a relationship with a more successful woman.
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