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I'm not going to lie, I do like to spend money and have spent my fair share over the years. At the same time, I try to live a modest lifestyle in order to A) live below my means, B) save/invest for emergencies and retirement, and C) pay down debt (student loans and mortgage). As I get older (30 now), this concept of frugal/modest living is more important to me.
However, I find it difficult to live a modest lifestyle, or a frugal lifestyle for that matter, as a result of being in a relationship. There are times when my GF and I relax and chill on the weekends and don't go out much. However, the majority of time we're out doing things. Quite often, I'm dropping between $100-$200 a week on activities. Whether it's going to the movies, running in some organized race, going on weekend trips, I feel like I'm always spending, spending, spending. She's also been pushing me to take yoga classes with her, and they cost like $80/mo. That's outrageous to me for an activity that requires on a mat and someone to instruct you how to do poses.
When I was single, I was naturally at home being an introverted loner. A fun weekend could cost me about $50 in total. I only had to entertain myself, which is not difficult at all. In a relationship, I feel obligated to be fun and outgoing with her, because I don't want her getting bored with me.
How do you make relationships and frugality go hand-in-hand? Is it possible? What are some ideas?
She's not really very frugal.
I think you are naturally frugal. I am too; I really don't like spending money, and even now that I'm retired, I always have money left over each "payday". I am never broke, and never was even when I made $5 a week delivering papers.
As you get more serious, her financial habits will reveal themselves - at least we hope so. In the meantime, try to discover whether she, too, has money left over when payday comes around. And, of course, you will want to note whether she pays her bills on time.
It can all be worked out between two people who are willing. We did, 25 years ago when my wife thought being frugal was the same as being cheap. It isn't. Being frugal means wisely using everything that you have. For today and tomorrow.
Ironically enough, she's a teacher who's always complaining about how little teachers make. I think she grosses about $46k/yr. But her spending habits would indicate otherwise. I make about $20k/year more and I feel like I can't keep up with her at times.
She's always wanting me to pick up expensive habits like skiing and yoga, and I'm scratching my head thinking how it's possible for her to afford all these activities and still maintain a relatively normal social life as a 20-something.
That's exactly what I'm talking about. Simple things do often cost a lot of money.
They don't always have to.
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For example, my GF has been insisting that I take yoga with her. For a one month membership to yoga, it costs $80. I have argued with her about this over and over. It blows my mind that a class that requires a simple mat (have you checked out what those cost?) and instructor telling you which poses to do can cost so much money.
She can take yoga at less costly facilities. My community center gym offers yoga classes at a far less costly rate than any of the dedicated yoga places in the neighborhood. They also have mats and blocks and straps provided if you don't have your own, which isn't as common at studios that are exclusively yoga. We also have several community events where you can do yoga for free. There is a meetup group that meets every Sunday morning, weather permitting, on the great lawn/sculpture park in front of our art museum (it functions as a community park). I see them on my drive to church...they do sunrise yoga...there must be over a hundred people who do it, and it's free.
It's possible your GF may like the "paying for an exclusive studio/gym/etc. and buying cute outfits and a patterned yoga mat and matching water bottle" aspect of things, though, too, and wouldn't be as interested in doing free yoga on a borrowed mat or going to a community center. If she's of this mentality and that's something that bothers you about her (not saying that it is or it does, just spitballing), that's something to consider. But some people really DO like spending the money on cutesy, exclusive stuff, as much as actually doing the activity itself. Frugal people often have a hard time relating to that...that the expenditures are part of the fun.
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Oh, and she's been pestering me to buy a ski pass ($500-$600). I'll need ski gear for that, which is another $300-$500. She is very good at finding ways for us to spend a crap load of money.
Yeah, it sounds like this is going to become a major sticking point. Does she know you don't have ski gear and are uninterested in purchasing/owning ski gear? Does she have any hobbies that AREN'T high end?
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It's times like this when I wish I lived out in the boonies. All I'd need is my $8 Netflix account, some of my cheap PC games, and my bike and I'd be fine with life.
You'd still have your GF, which seems to be the problem. If you lived out in the boonies, you'd just be driving that much further and spending that much more money to keep her entertained. Or do you think she'd be satisfied sitting out on a rural spread watching Netflix, gaming, and biking? You can live a Netflix, gaming, and biking lifestyle without living out in the boonies. You can't do it if you have a SO who expects other things, though.
Ironically enough, she's a teacher who's always complaining about how little teachers make. I think she grosses about $46k/yr. But her spending habits would indicate otherwise. I make about $20k/year more and I feel like I can't keep up with her at times.
So who's picking up the tab? Is she racking up CC debt? Parents bankrolling her and/or bailing her out?
I've taught. I know what a teacher's budget looks like. It's why I know where to find the free yoga, so to speak.
In the case of something like this, you can get around it by suggesting hosting sometimes. Having people over can be simply done, you can easily do a respectable entertaining spread on a budget, or you can have it be a BYOB thing, potluck cookout, whatever. We have friends who seldom go out, but periodically have people over for things like blind beer tastings/wine tastings (everybody brings a bottle, they get covered, sampled, and rated, we all compare notes, and it's fun), and then we play Cards Against Humanity or something.
I was thinking the same thing.
Even if you don't do a "BYOB" thing, you certainly could make a very memorable evening within the $100-200 budget.
The way I see it, there are several positives to this.
First is, it gets you "off the hook" if you decline a couple of invitations to just "go out" with them to do something you might be lukewarm about.
Second, if you are creative with this, either with a theme or something like TabulaRasa mentioned, there is a tendency for these things to be contagious. If people have a good time with what you did, the ideas start rushing in, and all of a sudden other people are doing it as well. So, just like with people taking turns "buying rounds" at a bar, you find yourself taking turns with others in having these at-home parties.
She can take yoga at less costly facilities. My community center gym offers yoga classes at a far less costly rate than any of the dedicated yoga places in the neighborhood. They also have mats and blocks and straps provided if you don't have your own, which isn't as common at studios that are exclusively yoga. We also have several community events where you can do yoga for free. There is a meetup group that meets every Sunday morning, weather permitting, on the great lawn/sculpture park in front of our art museum (it functions as a community park). I see them on my drive to church...they do sunrise yoga...there must be over a hundred people who do it, and it's free.
It's possible your GF may like the "paying for an exclusive studio/gym/etc. and buying cute outfits and a patterned yoga mat and matching water bottle" aspect of things, though, too, and wouldn't be as interested in doing free yoga on a borrowed mat or going to a community center. If she's of this mentality and that's something that bothers you about her (not saying that it is or it does, just spitballing), that's something to consider. But some people really DO like spending the money on cutesy, exclusive stuff, as much as actually doing the activity itself. Frugal people often have a hard time relating to that...that the expenditures are part of the fun.
I agree with you. I'm not against taking yoga with her, per se. I'm against the idea of paying $80/mo for it. I don't know that she's into paying for the cutesy stuff that goes along with it. She does have the idea in her mind that $80/mo is par for the course in terms of a yoga membership. I didn't realize they could be so expensive for something that requires so little. My previous gym membership, with tons of equipment and even classes for members cost like $30/mo. How is yoga that much money per month? Haha
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Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
Yeah, it sounds like this is going to become a major sticking point. Does she know you don't have ski gear and are uninterested in purchasing/owning ski gear? Does she have any hobbies that AREN'T high end?
I've brought up the finance stuff before, and she insists that she's into low cost stuff. However, her actions say otherwise. Even though I make almost $20k more per year than her, $80/mo for yoga and $500-$600/yr for skiing is a huge deal for me. For her, these are must haves. Not to mention, she's also living a fairly normal, outgoing social life on top of it. I have no idea how this is possible on her salary.
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Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
You'd still have your GF, which seems to be the problem. If you lived out in the boonies, you'd just be driving that much further and spending that much more money to keep her entertained. Or do you think she'd be satisfied sitting out on a rural spread watching Netflix, gaming, and biking? You can live a Netflix, gaming, and biking lifestyle without living out in the boonies. You can't do it if you have a SO who expects other things, though.
I should have elaborated. I meant I'd be content on my own doing these things. My lifestyle prior to my GF was pretty frugal. I didn't really spend a lot of entertainment and I was still able to have a good time.
But of course it is always more expensive if you are dating and doing stuff. But in turn, your life is more exciting and fun and not boring anymore.
I went from eating cheap to cooking big meals which results in triple of grocery costs for me. My car needs constantly gas because we drive around. I started a gym membership at his gym which is more $$ as I paid when I was single.
Free spenders are usually not happy with those who do not part with money lightly, and vice versa. Basic incompatiblity in attitudes toward spending create resentment on either side. It can be possible for two people who are very different in this regard to work, but it would require finances to be kept separate (and, likely, each earning his/her "own" money) and a conscious effort on the part of the individuals to agree not to judge how the other spends/does not spend, and even at that rate, they probably will, anyway.
But, like anything else, you need to find someone whose values and priorities match yours. If you don't like to spend money on gyms, for instance, don't date a gym rat. Don't date somebody whose lifestyle is costly if you are very frugal, date someone whose priorities match yours.
My husband is very frugal in many contexts, as am I, though we both have our areas where we will spend much more freely than in any others. One thing he really dislikes is drinking in bars, mainly because the cost is so much more than maintaining a quality liquor cabinet at home. It kills him to pay bar prices for a drink when he could be enjoying his own private stock at home at a fraction of the cost. Also, he doesn't like splurging on, say, a high quality whisky for at home, and then going to a bar with friends and paying a crazy amount for a far more subpar product when the nice stuff is sitting at home, already paid for. Consequently, he really doesn't enjoy bars that much and would rather just have people over to the house for Scotch, wine, etc. If I were a bigtime bar hopper who loved being out and about in bars and wanted him to frequently join me, that would be a source of conflict. But, I'm a homebody, for the most part, so we don't have that incompatibility.
Ultimately, somebody who is high-maintenance in the personal expenditure department is likely to be a poor match for you. It's just a matter of differing values. If it is very important to you to make the choice to live well below your means and save the rest, you'll be happiest with somebody else who is the same and appreciates that.
+1.
Set a budget, and communicate that with her. Explain you have X amount of funds for dates/outings, and if she insists on doing things beyond your budget, she can foot the bill.
My H and I are introverted and do plenty of things at home, but for date nights, it can/has run $80+ for, say, dinner + movie, not counting paying for a sitter. We typically did date nights every Friday or Saturday before my youngest was born. When dates become more semi-regular we will have to set a budget, and at times do things that cost very little or nothing at all. I don't mind paying $$ for great, shared experiences, but I have no interest in doing so on a regular basis and it negatively affect our budget.
She is obviously more active towards trying new things than you. How about you just tell her what you budget is and work back from there? I really don't think she sounds like the type of person who is too keen on sitting around all night watching Netflix. How about you guys do yoga from Youtube videos at home? Do you want to ski?
She just may be an extroverted personality who wants to be out doing stuff all the time, in which case this might not work.
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I have argued with her about this over and over. It blows my mind that a class that requires a simple mat (have you checked out what those cost?) and instructor telling you which poses to do can cost so much money.
