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let her pay more often! I do not know how women always seem to get away with not paying.
Its one of those western dating traditions that are hard to change. In a way I feel lots of guys are pressured to pay for everything or they will not seem manly, worth a woman's time, and so on. Culture may play another role there. Fair or unfair, sexist or not, that's just the way it is.
I'm not going to lie, I do like to spend money and have spent my fair share over the years. At the same time, I try to live a modest lifestyle in order to A) live below my means, B) save/invest for emergencies and retirement, and C) pay down debt (student loans and mortgage). As I get older (30 now), this concept of frugal/modest living is more important to me.
However, I find it difficult to live a modest lifestyle, or a frugal lifestyle for that matter, as a result of being in a relationship. There are times when my GF and I relax and chill on the weekends and don't go out much. However, the majority of time we're out doing things. Quite often, I'm dropping between $100-$200 a week on activities. Whether it's going to the movies, running in some organized race, going on weekend trips, I feel like I'm always spending, spending, spending. She's also been pushing me to take yoga classes with her, and they cost like $80/mo. That's outrageous to me for an activity that requires on a mat and someone to instruct you how to do poses.
When I was single, I was naturally at home being an introverted loner. A fun weekend could cost me about $50 in total. I only had to entertain myself, which is not difficult at all. In a relationship, I feel obligated to be fun and outgoing with her, because I don't want her getting bored with me.
How do you make relationships and frugality go hand-in-hand? Is it possible? What are some ideas?
Compatiblity, like anything else.
Free spenders are usually not happy with those who do not part with money lightly, and vice versa. Basic incompatiblity in attitudes toward spending create resentment on either side. It can be possible for two people who are very different in this regard to work, but it would require finances to be kept separate (and, likely, each earning his/her "own" money) and a conscious effort on the part of the individuals to agree not to judge how the other spends/does not spend, and even at that rate, they probably will, anyway.
But, like anything else, you need to find someone whose values and priorities match yours. If you don't like to spend money on gyms, for instance, don't date a gym rat. Don't date somebody whose lifestyle is costly if you are very frugal, date someone whose priorities match yours.
My husband is very frugal in many contexts, as am I, though we both have our areas where we will spend much more freely than in any others. One thing he really dislikes is drinking in bars, mainly because the cost is so much more than maintaining a quality liquor cabinet at home. It kills him to pay bar prices for a drink when he could be enjoying his own private stock at home at a fraction of the cost. Also, he doesn't like splurging on, say, a high quality whisky for at home, and then going to a bar with friends and paying a crazy amount for a far more subpar product when the nice stuff is sitting at home, already paid for. Consequently, he really doesn't enjoy bars that much and would rather just have people over to the house for Scotch, wine, etc. If I were a bigtime bar hopper who loved being out and about in bars and wanted him to frequently join me, that would be a source of conflict. But, I'm a homebody, for the most part, so we don't have that incompatibility.
Ultimately, somebody who is high-maintenance in the personal expenditure department is likely to be a poor match for you. It's just a matter of differing values. If it is very important to you to make the choice to live well below your means and save the rest, you'll be happiest with somebody else who is the same and appreciates that.
Last edited by TabulaRasa; 12-09-2015 at 09:53 AM..
The dating/courting process isn't cheap. Now (the beginning stages) isn't the time to be a tightwad. You will have your chance later to be that guy. Here is an idea though, perhaps you can plan a larger splurge vacation down the road, like Hawaii or something, but you can couch it in terms of 'let's save some money over the next couple months to fund the trip". Meanwhile you can cut back and do less expensive activities in the interim, and perhaps swerve into these becoming habits, and then go on the Hawaii vacation and spend money like drunken sailors then. I think it could work, because in the back of her mind she knows she will be doing something really cool, and so you both can put off your gratification until then...which is a good habit to get into anyway.
The dating/courting process isn't cheap. Now (the beginning stages) isn't the time to be a tightwad. You will have your chance later to be that guy. Here is an idea though, perhaps you can plan a larger splurge vacation down the road, like Hawaii or something, but you can couch it in terms of 'let's save some money over the next couple months to fund the trip". Meanwhile you can cut back and do less expensive activities in the interim, and perhaps swerve into these becoming habits, and then go on the Hawaii vacation and spend money like drunken sailors then. I think it could work, because in the back of her mind she knows she will be doing something really cool, and so you both can put off your gratification until then...which is a good habit to get into anyway.
How is saving up for a big trip (i.e here in Hawaii) and sending less in the interim going to help the OP pocket more of his hard earn money if all the money he is saving is going to be spent on an expensive trip?
We do go on runs together in the park quite often. She likes to do some of the organized races because it's monitored and I suppose it feels like an accomplishment to her. It's also something that she feels keeps her motivated to continue her routine, because she's working towards something.
A lot of times, though, I feel like we end up going out and spending money because we're hanging out with other people. "Oh, this weekend so and so is doing this. Do you want to go? I think it'll be fun!" Those weekends end up being the most costly, because said events turn into an entire evening of eating out, drinking out, and doing whatever activity we originally planned on doing.
I just don't want to be the lame BF who's always turning down activities to go out with other people.
In the case of something like this, you can get around it by suggesting hosting sometimes. Having people over can be simply done, you can easily do a respectable entertaining spread on a budget, or you can have it be a BYOB thing, potluck cookout, whatever. We have friends who seldom go out, but periodically have people over for things like blind beer tastings/wine tastings (everybody brings a bottle, they get covered, sampled, and rated, we all compare notes, and it's fun), and then we play Cards Against Humanity or something.
The thing is, some people are not homebodies, and are not going to be happy with exclusively doing things like this, and will want to get out and about. It is also true that if you consistently turn down invitations to go out, you will stop getting them, which could cause problems. If you can't come to a compromise that sometimes you do this, sometimes you do that, you're probably insufficiently compatible.
I think the cost of living is just getting higher and you notice it more. I feel your pain. Last night my husband and I took our friend to a Christmas light exhibit at the arboretum. It was a mile stroll and all agreed it was a great night, but:
Family membership to arboretum: $89 (already paid)
Three tickets to event: $36
Peppermint schnapps hot chocolate: $8
Two hot ciders: $8
Dinner at a deli afterward: $26 (salad + ginger ale, grilled sandwich + water, soup + water)
$80 for a simple date night, not counting our arboretum membership. I took the kids and two of their friends to the movies this past Saturday ... holy smokes.
Yep. I mean, it's just an arboretum, right? Haha.
That's exactly what I'm talking about. Simple things do often cost a lot of money.
For example, my GF has been insisting that I take yoga with her. For a one month membership to yoga, it costs $80. I have argued with her about this over and over. It blows my mind that a class that requires a simple mat (have you checked out what those cost?) and instructor telling you which poses to do can cost so much money.
Oh, and she's been pestering me to buy a ski pass ($500-$600). I'll need ski gear for that, which is another $300-$500. She is very good at finding ways for us to spend a crap load of money.
It's times like this when I wish I lived out in the boonies. All I'd need is my $8 Netflix account, some of my cheap PC games, and my bike and I'd be fine with life.
The dating/courting process isn't cheap. Now (the beginning stages) isn't the time to be a tightwad. You will have your chance later to be that guy. Here is an idea though, perhaps you can plan a larger splurge vacation down the road, like Hawaii or something, but you can couch it in terms of 'let's save some money over the next couple months to fund the trip". Meanwhile you can cut back and do less expensive activities in the interim, and perhaps swerve into these becoming habits, and then go on the Hawaii vacation and spend money like drunken sailors then. I think it could work, because in the back of her mind she knows she will be doing something really cool, and so you both can put off your gratification until then...which is a good habit to get into anyway.
There is a fact of life - relationships/experiences do cost money. No, every activity doesn't have to cost money, or a lot of money but they do cost SOMETHING. You admit that when you were "single" a weekend of fun cost $50 - why did you allow yourself that amount? If you're so frugal, why not just $10?
I'm just trying to get you to think that of COURSE fun for 2 will cost more - and YOU decide what you're willing to spend. You do need to share the cost but even so, it will still cost more than being a hermit holed up by yourself. That is just the "cost of doing business" in terms of being with someone. You need to be on the same page as your partner or obviously she'll tire of what is a low level of activity for her - it's simply another thing that you need to agree on and it is not automatic and doesn't mean she is "bad" - you're just different.
How is saving up for a big trip (i.e here in Hawaii) and sending less in the interim going to help the OP pocket more of his hard earn money if all the money he is saving is going to be spent on an expensive trip?
doesn't make much sense to me
The point I took away is occasionally splurge a little. But in the meantime, save up what you can and be frugal. Maybe I misunderstood him though.
Right now, sounds like you are in the honeymoon period. But eventually you can sort of cut it back a tad and do more frugal things. However, you need to talk with her. She might have different ideas on what sort of relationship she is looking for. She might want to be out and active every weekend doing things that cost money, vs planning for a future. These are major things you need to find out now that can make/break a relationship. have you guys discussed finances yet? How much you each make? debt? stuff like that?
Yep. We have discussed finances, BostonMike7.
Ironically enough, she's a teacher who's always complaining about how little teachers make. I think she grosses about $46k/yr. But her spending habits would indicate otherwise. I make about $20k/year more and I feel like I can't keep up with her at times.
She's always wanting me to pick up expensive habits like skiing and yoga, and I'm scratching my head thinking how it's possible for her to afford all these activities and still maintain a relatively normal social life as a 20-something.
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I have argued with her about this over and over. It blows my mind that a class that requires a simple mat (have you checked out what those cost?) and instructor telling you which poses to do can cost so much money.
