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No friends but I have my family that's helping me through. They're the ones who made me realize what's really going on. I always came up with excuses for everything that happened before. But now I'm really starting to see what's going on.
Good for them and good for you for listening to them.
I really hope you leave this person. Abusers always try to isolate people from their friends and family like this, and it's not good. Him getting mad at you spending time with others is a huge red flag, as is the whole getting mad when you don't text back quickly enough etc. Unless you want to live the rest of your life having to justify every action you do, every time you want time with friends or family, every time you don't reply quick enough to his liking, then stay with him, and it will get worse. If you want a normal relationship, get out of this. And stay single for a while, learn to be on your own.
This is so hard for me. I've never had a boyfriend before and we get along so well when we aren't fighting, and we have the best time. I've never been so close to someone before. I've never trusted someone like this. I've never had someone mean so much to me. Im going to be completely alone when I break it off with him. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done..
This is so hard for me. I've never had a boyfriend before and we get along so well when we aren't fighting, and we have the best time. I've never been so close to someone before. I've never trusted someone like this. I've never had someone mean so much to me. Im going to be completely alone when I break it off with him. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done..
That is a big part of your problem. it's your first boyfriend, so you're reluctant to give him up. That displays some neediness on your part. Also, you don't have enough experience to know that ...
THIS IS NOT WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE.
That's a very important message, OP. Love is not abusive, love should not hurt, emotionally or otherwise, in a healthy relationship. Please think about that a while.
Being alone isn't the end of the world. You were alone before him, and you did fine. If you're not able to be happy alone, you're not ready for a relationship. Another point to ponder.
It will be hard, but it will be a learning experience. You'll benefit in the long run from exercising your assertiveness muscles, and coming to your own rescue in that way. It might not feel like you'll benefit from it when you're in the moment, doing the difficult thing, but over time, you'll see that sticking up for yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself. Stay strong, OP! Life is full of learning experiences. This is one of them.
You deserve to be treated well. Being a good person doesn't mean being a doormat and letting people walk all over you and scuff you up.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 02-18-2016 at 01:36 PM..
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 months. And I'm starting to wonder if he's controlling me or if I'm in a toxic relationship. He is constantly telling me how much he loves me and how he's never loved someone like this. He says he only dated his past girlfriends because they were just there. Don't get me wrong. I love him. This is the first person I've ever had genuine feelings for. But it's exhausting. He doesn't let me talk to any other guys at all. He doesn't want me hanging out with friends or family. Even if I want to watch a movie with my family, he'll get in a bad mood sometimes because I'm not texting him as much. If I don't text him back within 10 minutes or less, his feelings get hurt or he'll be mad or say I was ignoring him. We text all the time. All day everyday. The only time we don't talk is if we're busy at work or something. And even if he is at work and it isn't busy, he still texts me. I quit playing call of duty online a while back because he said I was ignoring him when I didn't text back because I was in the middle of a match. But at the same time, he'll be playing Xbox or watching a movie and not talk to me for longer. We work at the same place. We used to get to work together, but now we never get to. He gets 5+ a week and I only get 2-3. He also makes more than me. I went and applied for a better job, and once I got a call about an interview, he got extremely upset. He was mad and his feelings were hurt. He said that I'm leaving him even though we never get to work together anymore. After we fought about it for a while he finally said that it's better for me and I need to what's best for me. But he always brings it up saying that I'm leaving him. It hurts me every time he says it. He's always saying how we'll never get to see each other because we'll always be working. But I don't think it's fair that it's okay for him to work that much, but not me. Another thing. It's completely fine for him to hang out with friends and whatnot. He even talks to his ex sometimes. He's always saying how much he hates her and he only talks to her is so she and all of her friends will stop hating him so he can get his friends back. But if I were to do that, he's more than likely get extremely mad or upset. Any time we fight, he always ends up saying that he doesn't want to fight anymore, and he'll write out long, sweet messages or notes to apologize. Saying how sorry he is and how he's a dick and whatnot. And he expects everything to be okay. He talks about how much he loves me and never wants to lose me, and if we ended up breaking up, he would die. He's said before that if I wasn't there for him, he would've killed himself. So I'm scared that if I do try and leave, he'll go do something stupid. And I don't want to lose him. He's all I have. We live in a really small town so I'd have to see him a lot too. I'm also afraid his parents will do something to me if I leave and hurt him. I just really don't know what to do. There's a lot more I could list but this post is already way too long. Please help me
Young lady we can talk till we're blue in the face, the fact you love you're guy, it doesn't really matter what we say and who's to say what we're telling you is good sound advice, all people are different, you have to follow you're heart and how you FEEL not what others tell you besides you kids are young? how old are you both? sit him down explain how you would like you're relationship to be in a perfect world and in no uncertain terms, tell him what you expect from him and how much you need him to understand how YOU FEEL and how you like you're relationship to be moving forward and go from there. Let us know how things are working out..
It's a waste of your time and energy to talk. You can talk until you're blue in the face. It won't matter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiteEagle577
I honestly don't know what to do or how to go about it.
Just say this relationship isn't working for you. I'm sure he won't take the rejection graciously.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiteEagle577
Because I know he does love me.
No, he really doesn't. He doesn't know how to love. You're mistaking attraction and possessiveness/jealousy for love. Loving people ARE NOT controlling as he is.
And in any case, love is never, ever enough to sustain a long term relationship. It's an essential ingredient, yes, but not enough all by itself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiteEagle577
He wouldn't try and spend all his free time with me, talk to me all the time, etc, if he didn't. I just don't want to hurt him or anyone else. Just thinking about hurting someone makes me sick. I care way too much and I always put everyone before me. And I'm pretty sure it's becoming a problem.
It's time for you to get some kind of counseling, or at the very least, read up on co-dependent relationships. You seem to check all the boxes for someone who's attracted to abusive people.
If you don't get away, you will end up a stay-at-home mom (of course he won't let you work) with four kids and no escape even if you wanted it. You will be dependent on his income to feed your kids. The physical abuse will have started by then. You will be too embarrassed about it to confide in anyone. He will make you feel worthless and alone. And you will look back and remember we all warned you.
Spot on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21
These threads make me sad and angry.
Me, too. Frustrated as well. It's tough to watch someone put up with this kind of treatment and interpret it as love.
I actually tried talking to him about it. I told him that the way he treated me in the last fight felt like emotional abuse. He got really angry and pissed off. He asked why I would think that and if I really thought he would do that to me. He said I'm not his ex, and that he would never treat me like that. He said he loves me way too much to ever do something like that and he never wants to lose me.
I honestly don't know what to do or how to go about it. Because I know he does love me. He wouldn't try and spend all his free time with me, talk to me all the time, etc, if he didn't. I just don't want to hurt him or anyone else. Just thinking about hurting someone makes me sick. I care way too much and I always put everyone before me. And I'm pretty sure it's becoming a problem.
^^^^ The above isn't love. It's control. Get. Out. Now.
What you have here isn't love, it's not. In real love, there is freedom. Freedom to be who you are, freedom to see friends and family, to have hobbies that don't include your partner, and to not always be walking on eggshells waiting for the next blow up. You need to stop worrying about hurting him, because believe me if you stay with him in the long run he will hurt you. He is controlling and it will only get worse. I have been married for 13 years, and was single for many many years, and the minute a guy even once gave me a hard time about seeing friends or doing stuff without him, he was history, I am not even kidding, because it is such a huge red flag. A real man looks for a woman who already has a full life, and he just adds to it and has no desire to ever control it. I think you are also really young, and have a lot to learn about life and relationships. You don't want to end up with this guy and having his kids, believe me you don't.
And you should know, when you end this, it will get ugly, he will promise you the moon and back, and will get very very angry and upset. You need to end this and leave quickly, having a friend or family member waiting outside,
Ok, I'm going to throw a slightly different perspective out there because I kind of disagree with a common theme here.....
What this guy is feeling and trying to express most likely IS love, it just isn't a healthy form of love. Clearly he's got some heavy duty insecurities and is trying to bury them with control. He's convinced that at some point the OP will realize that he's a phony and will dump him so he's trying to get control of the situation.
Sadly the best way to help this guy is probably to dump him cold...I mean let him know and then walk away completely, no vague messages or possibility of getting back together.....and let him know why via a letter (for you millenials out there, that's the paper things that come in the envelopes with a stamp and everything....ask at the post office and they can help you figure out the technology). It won't be pretty regardless, but just maybe he'll learn something after he calms down and reflects on the whole thing and you can help him to find some happiness in the future.
Either that or get a taser and just give him a quick bazolt every time he gets out of line..... ;-)
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