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Thanks for the background info, OP. Your plans in the last paragraph make sense. My concern, however, is about some of the things other posters spoke of, which is--being served papers and being forced to leave. What was that about, some kind of phony abuse charges & restraining order? And what's this "PFA" another poster was talking about? Anyway, I think you need to ask about that sort of thing (apparently a cop in one scenario told a guy "we know you're not the type, but they all do this"), so it doesn't happen to you. You need to block those avenues, just as a preventive measure. And I do think something should be done, if possible--it may not be, to keep the other guy out of your house while you're living there.
Selling the house and splitting the proceeds is a good idea. She can take her share and buy a condo. Or get a loan to buy you out, but you two already are paying down a loan, so the chances of her getting another one are pretty non-existent.
Good luck. Hang in there, and stay sane.
Thanks. It seems like in Pennsylvania it is rather common for women to obtain protection from abuse orders to have a man forcibly removed the property. We have no history that suggests abuse is likely. However, it often does not require more than verbal accusations for such an order to be issued. I exposed myself to a lot of risk by calling the police; I think I could ultimately defend that, but she would likely be looked favorably upon during the initial request, which would be in place for 14 days until a more thorough hearing before a judge (for some reason posters often conflate judges and the opinions of police officers). The intent was never to intimidate her, but to get that guy out of the house.
Thanks. It seems like in Pennsylvania it is rather common for women to obtain protection from abuse orders to have a man forcibly removed the property. We have no history that suggests abuse is likely. However, it often does not require more than verbal accusations for such an order to be issued. I exposed myself to a lot of risk by calling the police; I think I could ultimately defend that, but she would likely be looked favorably upon during the initial request, which would be in place for 14 days until a more thorough hearing before a judge (for some reason posters often conflate judges and the opinions of police officers). The intent was never to intimidate her, but to get that guy out of the house.
I have a question.
And just bear with me here.
But if you wanted him out of the house, why didn't you just run home when you saw him on your monitor, walk into your house, call out loudly "Hello?" and when he appeared, say, "Please leave my house...next time it's the police"?
Why the drama instead of directly confronting the person (whom you KNEW wasn't a burglar, rapist, etc., etc. - I mean you knew exactly why he was there...because he's doing your wife and that's that)?
But if you wanted him out of the house, why didn't you just run home when you saw him on your monitor, walk into your house, call out loudly "Hello?" and when he appeared, say, "Please leave my house...next time it's the police"?
Why the drama instead of directly confronting the person (whom you KNEW wasn't a burglar, rapist, etc., etc. - I mean you knew exactly why he was there...because he's doing your wife and that's that)?
Because I was angry and acted impulsively. It was a rash decision and it was unprecedented. Doing what you suggested would have been much better. There may have been downsides had I gone myself, such as if he refused to leave. But we'll never know now. I could have also not done anything or even set up the recorder. I'm not sure what was achieved. I just felt so humiliated and disrespected.
Because I was angry and acted impulsively. It was a rash decision and it was unprecedented. Doing what you suggested would have been much better. There may have been downsides had I gone myself, such as if he refused to leave. But we'll never know now. I could have also not done anything or even set up the recorder. I'm not sure what was achieved. I just felt so humiliated and disrespected.
You've mentioned your impulsivitity and anger in most of your posts on this thread.
I wouldn't wait 2 weeks for your appointment, the faster you get this started and documented, the better. It can help with your concerns about violence/accusations/restraining order and how to handle this so you come out on top.
Thanks. It seems like in Pennsylvania it is rather common for women to obtain protection from abuse orders to have a man forcibly removed the property. We have no history that suggests abuse is likely. However, it often does not require more than verbal accusations for such an order to be issued. I exposed myself to a lot of risk by calling the police; I think I could ultimately defend that, but she would likely be looked favorably upon during the initial request, which would be in place for 14 days until a more thorough hearing before a judge (for some reason posters often conflate judges and the opinions of police officers). The intent was never to intimidate her, but to get that guy out of the house.
I know a couple in which the husband got a protection order against his wife with whom he recently separated. She can now not go into the house and has to stay in her car in the street when she comes to pick up the kids.
The fact that he had called the police on her before they separated (I think he probably did this as part of his plan to get her out) went a long way in securing the protection order.
You've mentioned your impulsivitity and anger in most of your posts on this thread.
I wouldn't wait 2 weeks for your appointment, the faster you get this started and documented, the better. It can help with your concerns about violence/accusations/restraining order and how to handle this so you come out on top.
Yes, i will on Monday. I am pretty mild mannered. This has just been a lot to process. The worst is over.
About 3 weeks ago I asked my wife of 10 years what was going on between her and a male former coworker she has known (and I have met several times) for 6 years. She said that she is now interested in him romantically and wants to divorce me, although says that her desire to divorce predates her romantic interest in him. It just happens to coincide, apparently (maybe for emotional support?).
We took 2 weeks apart and communicated daily during the time and met twice. I stated clearly that my desire was to reconcile, however did not belabor the point and noted that I respect she makes her own decisions, etc. and that I was not giving an ultimatum. She initially said she was thinking it through, but has now firmly decided against rebuilding our relationship.
I came come as scheduled and found some of the guy's stuff throughout the house, including a coffee mug next to my usual chair and also food in the fridge. I asked if she would not communicate with this guy for 2 weeks so that we could focus on living with each other and explore our relationship. She said she had no interest. I then asked my wife to please not allow him in the house while we are sharing it, and instead to go visit him if that is what she wants. She agreed.
I set up my tablet to record the goings on in the kitchen by the back door for when I went to work the next day. Sure enough I saw him wandering unaccompanied through the kitchen. I called the police, informed dispatch what was going on, etc. They came out and everyone was pissed, including the cops who apparently misunderstood the nature of the call and treated it like a burglary.
So, at this point I am still alternating between sadness, grief, anger, and optimism forbmy own future - at times optimistic about her coming around, and other times optimistic about being single, then again followed by the cycle again.
Im sleeping on the pullout in the living room and we're coexisting peacefully, although I am at times nervous she may lie to obtain a protection from abuse order. There is no reason for one, but given her other behavior I just don't know what to expect.
She desperately wants to keep the house and all three of the cats, and wants me to move out sooner rather than later. We weren't fighting or arguing before this. I think she detached 6 months ago and I just didn't realize it. In any case, now, amidst my feelings of regret and sadness, I am pissed because of this other guy and feel like I can't in any way respect her decision to move ahead with her own life, because she isn't doing so independently. I am no longer blaming myself as much and acknowledging that she used very poor communication, e.g., we purchased a bed 5 months ago, and bedding for summer last month, and we're planning events together for the summer without her expressing feelings that she was contemplating ending the relationship.
Given her strong attachment to the cats and house, and desperate desire to keep all, I am thinking of demanding a highly disproportionate share of the home equity in exchange for not demanding it be sold on the open market, and also requiring I keep her favorite cat (whom I also enjoy immensely). I'm also going to demand she grant me exclusive use of the residence until the divorce is final and continue to pay half the mortgage, or else we sell, and if she wants it she'll have to outbid others. She also have trouble qualifying for the loan. Does that sound about right, or is there anything else I should do? If she doesn't agree I'm going to file and add a count of exclusive use given her flaunting behavior with her boyfriend, and my fear (I'm actually not afraid, and the guy is lucky I called the cops and didn't shop up myself and break all of his teeth with a heavy and hard implement, which is what I wanted to do but thought it wouldn't be prudent). Also, she purchased a handgun 6 months ago.
Advice? Thoughts?
Your wife is the one who broke her vows and the law.
Don't move out whatever you do. If you do it would look like abandonment and that you were the one who left her. The court might be told this as a way to defame you.
Be very careful to manage distribution of your property wisely. Sell it on the open market and share proceeds equally.
You already know about lawyers etc. so I won't go into it.
I should retain an attorney on Monday. I didn't think moving half of the money was that bad, but yes now I can no longer be soon as completely resigned. I had been taking some steps, but no actual financial transactions.
Do you think I should move it all back? We actually have 3 savings accounts, all joint, and I only transferred money out of two. The larger share of the savings was actually in an account where I am the primary, so it was a transfer from me to her; in that sense my balance actually decreased. The largest account is one where we were saving to buy a bigger house and I left that as is.
Moving the money and repositioning your finances is not the problem, letting her know about it is. Now you can bet she is taking her own steps and she might beat you to the punch in filing. You may find out that playing defense is much harder than playing offense.
But if you wanted him out of the house, why didn't you just run home when you saw him on your monitor, walk into your house, call out loudly "Hello?" and when he appeared, say, "Please leave my house...next time it's the police"?
Why the drama instead of directly confronting the person (whom you KNEW wasn't a burglar, rapist, etc., etc. - I mean you knew exactly why he was there...because he's doing your wife and that's that)?
He may have known it wasn't a burglar but neither did he know how the guy was going to react. You never know what is going to happen when two men sharing a common interest in a woman "directly confront" each other. What if the bf responded to that request by spitting in his face and telling him to suck his you know what or otherwise deliberately provoking him? Then there could have been a fight where someone was injured and someone was in jail. THAT is what the OP was trying to avoid.
I know a couple in which the husband got a protection order against his wife with whom he recently separated. She can now not go into the house and has to stay in her car in the street when she comes to pick up the kids.
The fact that he had called the police on her before they separated (I think he probably did this as part of his plan to get her out) went a long way in securing the protection order.
This is what I'm thinking. It's hard to know if she would do such a thing, but the OP should discuss it with a lawyer, and I wholeheartedly agree that waiting 2 weeks to get things rolling, get proper advice, start a paper trail (OP--Keep a log of incidents!), etc. is a waste of precious time.
Sometimes outmanouvering people in a timely manner is the best way to go.
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