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First to address, the concept of love and marriage.
Marriage in America is both a business and social contract. It has been since it has been established. This is why one can lose so much if they get divorced. Prior to no-fault divorce, the concept made sense. The only time people actually got divorces (and broke the contract) was when one party did something egregious. Then, no fault divorce started popping up and people sought divorces for no reason at all. Unfortunately, the consequences of a divorce were not amended along with this change in policy.
Now, you have the recent concept of marrying for love, as opposed to practicality. Love is a feeling that, in many cases, is fleeting. Relationships tend to ebb and flow and, like OP is experiencing, may not be as strong in stressful times.
So you now have a social/business contract that can be broken without consequence and you combine that with a foundation that has rocky groundwork to begin with (love) and this is why you have so many divorces.
It's not rocket science, people. Just common sense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by conlainhothuong
I havent read past page 4 because there is just too much to read, but from the ones that I did read, it appears that people think I will end up cheating, and have an image that I am leeching off my husband because I work part time.
When I married him, it appeared to be the BEST choice at the time. I had no social life, distanced myself from my family, all my friends were busy studying while I was struggling in school (full time work and full time school) and then my husband came along. He didnt take care of me, because I worked full time, but I did longed for an emotional connection with someone. I would be lying if I said I wasnt physically attracted to him at all in the beginning. He was better looking than my ex and we were very passionate in the beginning and I did want to have sex. We conceived both our kids because we were in love not just spur of the moment. They were planned out, even went to a fertility specialist because we thought we had problems. The feelings that I have now have started strongly for the past year, and I do know its worse when he is cranky. I try to be accommodating because he recently opened a restaurant. It is a high end restaurant and he is working hard to maintain costumer service, dealing with employees ect. I do ask him as soon as he gets home about how his day went, and sometimes he tells me, sometimes he doesnt. When we do argue, its because I've had a crazy day at home, I'm cranky, he's cranky, which results in an explosion.
I do have job skills. I have been with my company for 6 years now and in the field for 8 years. I am certified took classes and everything so its not a sleazy minimum wage job. My company has emailed me a couple times for an advancement to work in management but it requires traveling and I like the flexibility that i have now so I turned them down. So as you can see, being able to stay home with my kids is more important to me. I have told my husband that if he feels I am a burden, I can take on a full time job right away, put on my professional attire, and hop out to work ( I work as a medical interpreter), but he does prefer that I stay at home until our kids are a little bit older.
I married him simply because of his characteristics and personality, thats why I was passionate about him. When he becomes cranky, and tries to save a buck or two I have nothing else to focus on so I look at his down side.
I am not perfect. I am not hideous nor ugly but I do have a weight problem, and I appreciate him for overlooking that, but I do have other strong points for him to love even if I am overweight. I take excellent care of our kids, keep the house clean, good cook, and despite working part time, I do have a professional job. So you see, even if I am the average jane, there are other attributes that he can focus on to look past my weakness. His strength is that he has a great personality, optimistic etc, but aside from that he doesnt cook, barely takes care of our kids (he plays with them), and for the past half a year, he barely helps with house chores, so when his one of his own positive points is no longer there, what can I focus on to make up for that lack?
As far as my mom goes, if it wasnt here and somebody else, it would've had the same effect. This is something that I have kept hidden and just try to make the best with my life, but when someone brings it up I just think "yea, they are right. My husband really isnt good looking and on top of that, he's changed"
As far as cheating goes, I will never do that. You can even bet money, because it is against my values.
So you're fat with two kids and work "part time in as a professional" (whatever that means) and you think that you will be very desirable to a good-looking guy that's your age, has money, is stress-free, and is a bit of a bad boy (from what I infer from reading your posts).
I highly recommend that you stay with your husband and try to work this out. You may be in for a very rude awakening if you leave him.
I have to post this somewhere even if it means i will get judged. I dont even know when it started, at least a year but i am no longer attracted to my husband. I dont think i ever was, but i overlooked that because i felt his personality made up for that. Now 6 yrs into marriage, he has became a hot tempered cranky mid 30's guy. I dont even know whats left of him for me to be in love with. We maintain a civilized relationship, he probably still loves me but i can never stand all the lovey dovey gestures. We argue at least once a week. The more i grow tired of our relationship, the more my eyes start to wander. I see younger, cuter guys (im 8 yrs younger). These guys have always been out of my league. I was never bad looking to begin with, but im more of the down to earth, girl next door type whereas these guys almost always go for preppy girls with heavy make up.
I confessed this with my mom and she rubbed salt in the wound by saying this is the reason why she advises my younger sisters to not settle too soon because there are so many options. I got married when i was 21. I dont know what to do now, the more i run into hotter guys or see he friends with better looking mates the more i feel a distance towards my husband. Is it true once the attraction is gone, you can never get it back especially if i was never physically attracted to him in the first place?
Your mother didn't rub salt into the wounds, you can't expect her to respond the way you want her to respond. She feels bad for you and worried, and she's annoyed that you didn't listen to her advice when you were younger.
There is absolutely no problem to divorce your hubby. You can have the younger cuter guys, there's no reason in the world you can't get one of them if that's what you really want. Bear in mind, 10 years later, they might be the cranky 35 yo too. So you're better off picking someone whose personality turns you on and you think always will. Someone you fit well with. I think you should be single for a good few years preferably before settling again.
There's no point continuing your marriage when you feel so strongly.
Marriage has nothing to do with physical attraction really, although it helps, but your personality attraction is long gone too, and there's probably no way back from that.
Staying with your hubby when you are so not into him, is also denying him the chance to be with someone who really does love him. It's best to leave.
The kind of guy that OP is looking for (good-looking, in his 20s, already establish
hed in his career (financially and to the point that he will have enough time to show her attention), fun personality) is VERY desirable and will have many options.
My prediction is that if OP divorces her husband, she will not be able to land one of these guys (at least not long-term) and will either settle for someone out of her specified criteria or will regret leaving her husband.
OP, if you do divorce your husband, please report back here and let us know.
Foxelipsus, if you are an objectively attractive female, then you owe me dinner if I'm right (even if we're both married by that time). Deal?
Having kids doesn't lose you points with the kinds of guys you would actually want to settle down with. Some good men love kids as much as most women do, even if the kids aren't theirs.
A lot of guys just want to "tap that", regardless of whether you have kids or not. The kind of guy that does that, will do that regardless of whether you have kids or not. The kind of guy that is looking for love, and is a good guy, will not rule you out because you have kids. If a guy says he rules out girls that have kids, he's not a guy you'd want to marry anyway really.
I think this is a bit overly optimistic, but I guess that's ok.
Wow, just because I find other guys hot doesnt mean I want them. No, I am not searching or hoping to find another better looking guy. I am.fully aware I am a mother of 2 and dating scene wont be easy, if I date at all. To be honest, one time I even confided in a best friend that I just want a way out, and will go back to work full time, and just focus on my kids and raising them. Thats it.
Its human nature to appreciate physical beauties, I find a lot of celebrities to be hot, but its impractical and its like reaching for the moon.
I know I will never cheat, being fat or not. The worst that would happen is me living unhappily.
Should've went to see a therapist or something instead of coming on here and being honest. Humans can be so harsh.
I honestly have no idea where people got the idea that I have zero job skills and will end up in poverty and reliant on my husband. Fyi, I am waiting for my kids to go to pre-k so I can work full time again. I am a medical interpreter, if that's not a profession, I dont know what is.
This was a wise decision (proof that everyone gets lucky every now and then).
Getting married makes little sense these days when you can simply end it on a whim. In fact, one can make the argument that it makes more sense to not get married and have children. That way, the female can claim all of the benefits of a single mother (which are massive: significant tax advantages to free housing, free cars, and free education).
How about not get married and not having kids until you are reasonably sure. Or at least wait until you are older and more mature.
OP, this is serious comment here. It sounds like your marriage hits a rough patch, but it can be worked and I hope you two will stay together. Starting any business is hard. Maybe some counseling will help.
Wow, just because I find other guys hot doesnt mean I want them. No, I am not searching or hoping to find another better looking guy. I am.fully aware I am a mother of 2 and dating scene wont be easy, if I date at all. To be honest, one time I even confided in a best friend that I just want a way out, and will go back to work full time, and just focus on my kids and raising them. Thats it.
Its human nature to appreciate physical beauties, I find a lot of celebrities to be hot, but its impractical and its like reaching for the moon.
I know I will never cheat, being fat or not. The worst that would happen is me living unhappily.
Should've went to see a therapist or something instead of coming on here and being honest. Humans can be so harsh.
Might just be a rough time in your marriage. You are both probably stressed out.
Find time as couple to take a walk, listen to music, go to the movies, and also start having weekly tradition family game night for the kids--board games and pizza or ice cream sundaes....it can evolve as they age.
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