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I don't really like your boyfriend. If he is setting you up with this conversation, he worries me. What a ridiculous, uneducated thing to say. Kids can grow up "normal" this way, but kids are not like sharing a vehicle that you buy with someone. Kids grow up better, for SO many reasons, with parents who are married and in loving, committed relationships. If you seriously need to get into this, I recommend the two of you take a developmental psych class.
Kids aren't doomed with divorced/nonmarried parents, but a romantic, loving marriage between two parents is MOST ideal. It always has been.
It is not the ideal scenario for anyone. Most folks who are single/coparenting parents will tell you it's tough as hell, even if you are cordial.
Also, as long as you "agree" that the kids are a priority? Seriously? Does he not think MOST people who end up having messy divorces/hurting the kids in the process initially planned to raise their children in an ideal environment? I'm from a broken home, and believe me, both my parents were seriously in love at one point and convinced they would never split up. I'm sure most divorced people on here could likely say the same.
So, while nothing is ironclad, I'm a bit worried how OK your boyfriend is with the whole thing.
... do you mind if I ask if you're a man or a woman?
on a long term scale we are really good partners and friends. But I certainly wouldn't want to use marriage as a way to coerce him to be with me for a long time.
Good thinking.
There are many men out there, by the way, who could be great "partners and friends". But that's not what a husband is. We women tend to think "hey, I don't hate this guy. He's nice and ok and good looking. He must be it!", but that's dangerous thinking.
I would never marry someone who thinks it's almost perfectly fine to raise kids as a split up family. Again, not saying it CAN'T be ok (plenty of us had to make it work), but you don't go into having kids with that being your "Option B", exactly.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mauwie
on a long term scale we are really good partners and friends. But I certainly wouldn't want to use marriage as a way to coerce him to be with me for a long time.
I almost married a really good partner and friend in my mid/late 30s. Glad I didn't. We loved each other, and worked well together, and lived well together, but there wasn't any real PASSION and I don't think we were IN LOVE which is different.
I'd say this isn't enough. You've very young still. Plenty of time to move on and find the right person.
I almost married a really good partner and friend in my mid/late 30s. Glad I didn't. We loved each other, and worked well together, and lived well together, but there wasn't any real PASSION and I don't think we were IN LOVE which is different.
I'd say this isn't enough. You've very young still. Plenty of time to move on and find the right person.
fair enough. I am definitely in love with him though there is def a sexual attraction. thats not to say that it wont fade in time, but for now its still hott
fair enough. I am definitely in love with him though there is def a sexual attraction. thats not to say that it wont fade in time, but for now its still hott
I'm going to give you a little tip, since I went back and re read your original post.
You said a few things in your original post that I have never thought about my husband. You said you were each others ideal person in many ways, but not enough to build a marriage on. You said you were afraid he would move on and you would be left behind sad.
I thought these things about EVERY single man I dated before the last one it worked out with. Every single one. I always told myself that if I had these thoughts, he couldn't have been the man for me.
I'm young too (27). My husband and I had been dating since I was 21 and he was 23. We got married at 26 and 28. Through the early years, we had a lot of very hard times. However, not once did I think "we" couldn't work, or that there was a possibility.
I'm not trying to make my marriage sound perfect (It's not), but when you have these sorts of thoughts about your partner, you need to listen to them. I know how good good sex is, and I know how awesome it feels to be riding the rollercoaster of an intense emotional and physical relationship. I know our judgment is clouded in those moments, because I have lived those moments many times myself. It kept me in some pretty crap relationships.
Why are some men so freaked out by commitment? I've been around long enough to have learned there are men who will do whatever it takes to be with you. If this guy will break up with you because you are want to know if he's serious, then he is not the one for you.
Don't waste any more time on him. Get a better boyfriend.
Why are some men so freaked out by commitment? I've been around long enough to have learned there are men who will do whatever it takes to be with you. If this guy will break up with you because you are want to know if he's serious, then he is not the one for you.
Don't waste any more time on him. Get a better boyfriend.
OP said her boyfriend was mid 20's? To be fair, most mid 20's men are likely not ready or thinking about marriage.
HOWEVER, I don't think it was good on him to freak out and dump her when she brought it up. I think there are good ways to handle that. I know because I lived this one. There are ways a couple can compromise and make a plan.
Also, his morals regarding the raising of children is super against mine, but I don't have to date him. So take that with a grain of salt, I suppose.
There are a bazillion threads on here about girls asking how to get their boyfriends to marry them. They have a long term relationship, move in with them, sometimes have kids with them, and wonder when they will get married. They are asking their boyfriends when they will get married. The answers vary from soon...to next month....to next year. They all have one thing in common...stalling. They can't understand why a guy would be with them that long, dragging it out. Well hell, why not?? They have everything they could possibly want, without a firm marriage committment. Whats not to like??
If a guy wants to marry you HE WILL. You can't make a man want to marry you. It seems theres a LOT of men out there that just dont want to get married. As long as you are in a relationship with him and he's happy, you wont get married. Not to him.
You have to decide if you have to be married. If so, you need to break up now. If not, stop asking him about getting married. It won't happen.
Ask yourself. Whats in it for him? If you're honest with yourself, the answer is probably "nothing".
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there is def a sexual attraction. thats not to say that it wont fade in time, but for now its still hott
