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You're not the one for him,it's ridiculous that you apologised for wanting to know if he's worth investing your time,youth,future etc with,and that you feel terrible about it.Its terrible that disscussing your future freaks him out.
That's not what the apology was for. Please read the whole thread.
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Honestly, it all indicates that you are not "the one",trust me even if he stays with you for another few years, or even caves and marries you ,he will eventually find the "one" who he feels certain about and leave you or cheat on you.
When I read posts of people who cheat, it's often men who were with someone for six or more years and are dragging their feet to marry etcetc,finally they meet someone they really like and cheat.
Don't waste your youth on this person.
I doubt more people cheat who are "dragging their feet" than people who are married. Since it is much harder to get divorced after getting married than to simply split up before marriage, much more cheating probably occurs after marriage.
I meant men who marry after being with the person for six or more years then finally cave and marry them after much whining,these guys usually end up cheating after getting married at least that's what I've read.
I don't think it is necessarily the ideal and no one should have kids without being informed of all of the legal ramifications of having kids and what happens if you decide to split.
I'm still not getting how you are equating this with non-stability though. Having a kid with a committed guy who just doesn't want to get married is probably more stable than having a kid with a guy and then getting divorced.
Since you had this discussion with him, what conclusions did the two of you come to regarding what would happen with the kids if you did split up?
not sure how to really answer the instability question.
I basically shared with him that I see marriage as different from long term partnership/civil union. There are certain benefits that married couples get that is just different from being single. Moreover a "married" couple is received different and acknowledged differently than just partners. He explained that he thinks it can be normal and healthy for kids to grow up with two parents who are just co-parenting but don't live together and are non-romantic. Basically he thinks there's no need to create drama and an expectation of "forever" if the purpose is to raise kids. If the parents agree ahead of time that the kids are the priority he thinks its a very doable and positive thing to have parents who are more like friends/associates, rather than super lovey dovey.
that's why I asked you if this is the ideal scenario for men? He sounded very comfortable and even confident with the prospect of a scenario like this
I meant men who marry after being with the person for six or more years then finally cave and marry them after much whining,these guys usually end up cheating after getting married at least that's what I've read.
It's never a good idea to coerce someone into doing something they don't want to do.
More importantly it's never a good idea to try to tie people down due to your own insecurities about relationships and romance.
Marriage should not be used to "claim or coheres" someone in to your way of thought or to your ideal scenario.
Some of the people who need marriage to feel secure really need to ask themselves honestly where the need for such a union is coming from within them before championing the cause as hard as they do.
Marriage in and of itself is fine, but used as a personal tactic and safety blanket will always blow up in a bad way.
Only you guys know the truth to your desires, take action based on those truths and do what you feel is right moving forward. If you are being honest, the choices you have to make become clear very quickly. it's just the actions needed to achieve them that need to get out of the way for them to become reality.
Last edited by rego00123; 07-21-2016 at 04:17 PM..
not sure how to really answer the instability question.
I basically shared with him that I see marriage as different from long term partnership/civil union. There are certain benefits that married couples get that is just different from being single. Moreover a "married" couple is received different and acknowledged differently than just partners. He explained that he thinks it can be normal and healthy for kids to grow up with two parents who are just co-parenting but don't live together and are non-romantic. Basically he thinks there's no need to create drama and an expectation of "forever" if the purpose is to raise kids.If the parents agree ahead of time that the kids are the priority he thinks its a very doable and positive thing to have parents who are more like friends/associates, rather than super lovey dovey.
that's why I asked you if this is the ideal scenario for men? He sounded very comfortable and even confident with the prospect of a scenario like this
I don't really like your boyfriend. If he is setting you up with this conversation, he worries me. What a ridiculous, uneducated thing to say. Kids can grow up "normal" this way, but kids are not like sharing a vehicle that you buy with someone. Kids grow up better, for SO many reasons, with parents who are married and in loving, committed relationships. If you seriously need to get into this, I recommend the two of you take a developmental psych class.
Kids aren't doomed with divorced/nonmarried parents, but a romantic, loving marriage between two parents is MOST ideal. It always has been.
It is not the ideal scenario for anyone. Most folks who are single/coparenting parents will tell you it's tough as hell, even if you are cordial.
Also, as long as you "agree" that the kids are a priority? Seriously? Does he not think MOST people who end up having messy divorces/hurting the kids in the process initially planned to raise their children in an ideal environment? I'm from a broken home, and believe me, both my parents were seriously in love at one point and convinced they would never split up. I'm sure most divorced people on here could likely say the same.
So, while nothing is ironclad, I'm a bit worried how OK your boyfriend is with the whole thing.
Exactly,she should just walk from a guy who is freaked out by committing to her, and even something as simple as asking him "where is this going" caused him to immediately dump her and tell her all the things he disliked about her.what a waste of time.
Honestly I am the flighty disinterested gf who never asks questions like "where is this going" etc,usually I don't have too because the guy has made it obvious he is into me.
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Originally Posted by Just A Guy
It's never a good idea to coerce someone into doing something they don't want to do.
More importantly, what are your reasons for wanting to get married to him?
on a long term scale we are really good partners and friends. But I certainly wouldn't want to use marriage as a way to coerce him to be with me for a long time.
not sure how to really answer the instability question.
I basically shared with him that I see marriage as different from long term partnership/civil union. There are certain benefits that married couples get that is just different from being single. Moreover a "married" couple is received different and acknowledged differently than just partners. He explained that he thinks it can be normal and healthy for kids to grow up with two parents who are just co-parenting but don't live together and are non-romantic. Basically he thinks there's no need to create drama and an expectation of "forever" if the purpose is to raise kids. If the parents agree ahead of time that the kids are the priority he thinks its a very doable and positive thing to have parents who are more like friends/associates, rather than super lovey dovey.
that's why I asked you if this is the ideal scenario for men? He sounded very comfortable and even confident with the prospect of a scenario like this
Listen to the sub-text there, OP: he's saying he sees no need to live with you nor to remain in a romantic relationship with you, whether there are kids or not. He's telling you how he feels about you, whether he realizes it or not. See the writing on the wall. He doesn't see a future with you, except (possibly) as a co-parent of some offspring, a co-parent whom he feels nothing for.
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