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TL;DR: been hanging out with a girl pretty regularly for a few months.. didn't make a move. now she's pulling away a bit. is that it or is there a chance to salvage things?
i think i know the answer.. but anyways..
i'm a shy guy, always have been to one degree or another. and largely because of this, i haven't been a big dater.
by complete luck, i managed to meet a pretty great girl back in may. we connected well, stayed in very regular contact (via text, however), and spent time together regularly doing things such as going for walks/hikes with her dog, going out to eat, out for drinks, hanging at her place just eating/talking/watching tv etc.. this was something i hadn't experienced with another person in a long time. i actually couldn't believe it was happening, since it's pretty much a rarity for me. but, i was trying to roll with it, hoping it could be a sign of an actual positive change for me.
so while it was going well, and she must have been at least somewhat in to me, i was always way too nervous and unsure to make a move. we hug goodbye, but that's it. for weeks (or months), i'd be driving home after those hugs kicking myself for not sucking it up and going for more. it just never felt like the right time, in my mind. #dumbass
now, for the last couple of weeks, things seem to have changed.. it seems like she's pulling away. the text frequency has dropped, and while i saw her last weekend (dinner at a bar, ice cream, movie and i STILL didn't do anything..), she "couldn't make it" when i asked if she wanted to get together this week. granted, she actually is going away, but it just doesn't feel good.. it's feeling like she could starting to move on. we've had a couple of good text exchanges lately, but it's not what it was.
so.. is there any hope to salvage this thing? i realize that if there is, that there is zero time to waste and i need to buck up already. when, or if, we do hang out again, i'll be even more nervous and awkward given the circumstances. the last thing i want to do is seem clingy or needy, so i'm trying to give some space. but do i try to get together with her again? and, if it were to happen, do i just lay it all out there for her in terms of how i feel, or has that ship sailed?
She may have met another guy that she is interested in.
Whether this is the case or not, you probably need to make your move pretty quickly. You don't have to "lay it on the line". You can simply kiss her. If you are not comfortable with that, you can ask her how she feels about the two of you being more than just platonic friends.
Yeah, you waited to long, but just be real and sit her down and tell her how you feel. Put yourself out there.
One of the best things you can do in life is not care what other people think about you and just go for broke. If whatever you want to do doesnt pan out, eff it... Better to have tried and failed then to never tried at all!
A question to ask is, who was paying when you both went out.
You were just someone she liked to hang out with in a non romantic way.
The problem is, women can smell desperation from a mile away. You are most likely giving off weird vibes, the conflict and nerves over wanting to be cool but also wanting to be intimate with her. This is why she is distancing herself from you.
You made the classic shy guy mistake of stretching out something that was never there in the first place. The hope that eventually you as the nice guy would make her fall in 'love' with you.
If she really was into you the way you wanted her to be, don't you think she would have done something by now? A girl who has the hots for a guy will clearly let him know, it is NEVER a guessing game. That's why I don't buy that your refusal to make a move on her made her lose interest. She stretched this out for almost 3 months.
This could have easily been nipped in the bud if you had at least tried to kiss her much earlier. This way you would have known for sure. I'm not a proponent of sex early on in any relationship, but kissing is a great way to weed out those not really interested.
Anyways, trust your gut instinct as I always say. She is distancing herself from you. You probably won't move on, most likely will continue to try and contact her, but please, don't.
Learn from your past and apply that to the future. Being shy is never an excuse. I am shy but I never use that as a crutch in life.
In time, I learned to be bold, say what's on your mind, and speak up. I also learned that direct eye contact plays a good factor in communicating. All of this was taught me by a woman. Incidentally, this woman became a friend with benefits!
good advice guys, thank you. you're all right.. bottom line is to buck up and get over the inhibitions.
during this recent period of lower text frequency, i did my best not to come off as desperate.. (waited for her to answer before continuing, waited a good period of time before responding, keep the ratio close to 1:1, etc). her responses were mostly typical of our usual back-and-forths. she even made a couple of "we" mentions, and she was jokey and light-hearted. there was just a lot less of it. and she's a nice girl, so it could just be her being nice.
this morning, i asked her if would could get together to talk after she's back from her long weekend. she was receptive, and seemed fairly positive about it. who the hell knows, but i might have one last make-or-break shot.
hail mary time.. time to start mentally preparing. and whatever happens, this whole thing has been a valuable learning experience.
If she really was into you the way you wanted her to be, don't you think she would have done something by now? A girl who has the hots for a guy will clearly let him know, it is NEVER a guessing game.
this morning, i asked her if would could get together to talk after she's back from her long weekend. she was receptive, and seemed fairly positive about it. who the hell knows, but i might have one last make-or-break shot.
hail mary time.. time to start mentally preparing. and whatever happens, this whole thing has been a valuable learning experience.
Mistake. "Get together to talk" sounds ominous. When she gets back tell her you're going to TGI Fridays or wherever and ask if she wants to come along. If she goes with you, after dinner instead of dropping her off at home ask her if she wants to come to your place and see your new elephant tusk collection, or whatever. If she goes home with you, show it to her. Then offer to give it to her.
A question to ask is, who was paying when you both went out.
.
This popped into my mind immediately, OP. Did you pay for the drinks, and her dinner on those occasions? Did you give any indication at all that you'd like to date, or that what you thought you were doing was dating? Lunging at someone for a kiss isn't the only way to communicate your intentions. After a couple of outings for drinks or a meal, you can say (could have said), "let me get the bill this time". After you pay, you can then ask if she'd be interested in actually dating, or in a bf/gf thing, or however you want to phrase it.
At this point, actually talking to her, rather than suddenly, out of nowhere, pouncing on her lips, would be best at this potentially awkward stage, where you suspect there may be someone else she's interested in. You'll have to screw up your resolve, and perhaps confess that you've been holding back for a long time, but that you'd be interested in officially dating her, being an item with her.
Verbal communication was a revolutionary human development. Make use of it!
This popped into my mind immediately, OP. Did you pay for the drinks, and her dinner on those occasions? Did you give any indication at all that you'd like to date, or that what you were doing was dating? Lunging at someone for a kiss isn't the only way to communicate your intentions. After a couple of outings for drinks or a meal, you can say, "let me get the bill this time". After you pay, you can then ask if she'd be interested in actually dating, or in a bf/gf thing, or however you want to phrase it. At this point, actually talking to her, rather than suddenly, out of nowhere, pouncing on her lips, would be best at this potentially awkward stage, where you suspect there may be someone else she's interested in. You'll have to screw up your resolve, and perhaps confess that you've been holding back for a long time, but that you'd be interested in officially dating her, being an item with her.
Verbal communication was a revolutionary human invention. Make use of it!
Thanks Ruth.
Yes, I've been the one paying for the drinks and dinners. I mean I know I needed to do a lot more.. There were the occasional looks and smiles, minimal KINO (basically a hand on her back walking through doors, a playful nudge here and there, a hand on my arm as she's talking, etc), but me being me, I was just uncertain about it all.
So yea, this get together next week will be super awkward. Having the weekend to think over what to say without being a total turnoff helps. Or maybe it doesn't, since it could just be prolonging the inevitable.. And I agree that talking about it is the only real thing to do at this stage. If she's receptive, we go from there.
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