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I moved permanently from the US to Denmark 20+ years ago. It wasn't for love, though. It was for a permanent job. I was familiar with the culture, having spent a lot of time there as a tourist and then visiting friends I had made. I had already started learning Danish; my job was in English and everyone I knew and their friends all spoke English. I thought adjusting to the new culture would be super easy. Was I in for a shock.
Moving for love doesn't make things easier. It makes it even harder. I've seen this over and over again since I arrived; dated a lot and then married a Danish woman. Adjusting to the Danish romantic relationship culture was hard. Most of the Americans I met, who came to Denmark for relationship reasons, have gone back home not knowing what hit them after they moved here with a girlfriend or a spouse. They came without jobs, didn't know anybody, and worst of all they found that their partner could quickly adjust back to their native culture and the change bewildered them.
If you can, make a trial move for 90 days. Test the waters.
Do you even know the immigration laws of the country you may go to? Does your boyfriend? That's a whole other story.
Curious to know what would be so different about dating in Denmark? Is it mostly a hookup culture or something? It's not like we're talking about a Muslim country or something.
I think it makes a huge difference which country he wants you to move to. Huge difference. If it is a country where women are chattel, the answer is no and marriage wouldn't make any difference. Even with a wedding band, the answer is still no.
If you are not married, how do you get a resident's visa?
If it is a civilized country that you are allowed to live in legally, and you have always wanted to live in that country, and you can totally support yourself, then you might want to go, without any expectations about him or your future. I suspect that a fellow who expects his girlfriend to give up her life and move without making any commitment himself is not feeling like being committed.
At a minimum, though, you would have a place to land when you moved and if it doesn't work out, and if you can support yourself like you claim, you can simply rent a flat for yourself and move out. Find another boyfriend who is more in tune with your plans for life.
I think it makes a huge difference which country he wants you to move to. Huge difference. If it is a country where women are chattel, the answer is no and marriage wouldn't make any difference. Even with a wedding band, the answer is still no.
If you are not married, how do you get a resident's visa?
If it is a civilized country that you are allowed to live in legally, and you have always wanted to live in that country, and you can totally support yourself, then you might want to go, without any expectations about him or your future. I suspect that a fellow who expects his girlfriend to give up her life and move without making any commitment himself is not feeling like being committed.
At a minimum, though, you would have a place to land when you moved and if it doesn't work out, and if you can support yourself like you claim, you can simply rent a flat for yourself and move out. Find another boyfriend who is more in tune with your plans for life.
Exactly. OP, do you even have a realistic option of going? Are you both in EU countries, or something, so that a residency visa wouldn't be a problem? What would you do for an income? Has he offered to support you completely?
There's not enough info here, really, to offer solid advice, now that oregonwoodsmoke brings up practical matters.
I moved permanently from the US to Denmark 20+ years ago. It wasn't for love, though. It was for a permanent job. I was familiar with the culture, having spent a lot of time there as a tourist and then visiting friends I had made. I had already started learning Danish; my job was in English and everyone I knew and their friends all spoke English. I thought adjusting to the new culture would be super easy. Was I in for a shock.
Moving for love doesn't make things easier. It makes it even harder. I've seen this over and over again since I arrived; dated a lot and then married a Danish woman. Adjusting to the Danish romantic relationship culture was hard. Most of the Americans I met, who came to Denmark for relationship reasons, have gone back home not knowing what hit them after they moved here with a girlfriend or a spouse. They came without jobs, didn't know anybody, and worst of all they found that their partner could quickly adjust back to their native culture and the change bewildered them.
If you can, make a trial move for 90 days. Test the waters.
Do you even know the immigration laws of the country you may go to? Does your boyfriend? That's a whole other story.
I've heard about the bolded happening when people follow a partner back to Sweden, where the culture is very reserved. When living outside the country, Swedes can be very fun-loving, and people in the countries they're staying in can fall in love with that side of the personality. Then when they return home, they morph into completely different people that the loved ones don't even recognize. Huge culture shock! And it tends to be extremely difficult for foreigners to get a job there, even if they speak the language decently.
My situation: Been with my boyfriend for a few years, he's 32, I'm almost 29, we're currently long distance because his work transferred him to another country, but we have lived together before that for about two years in total.
So, here's the thing- He wants me to move to be with him, which theoretically isn't hard for me (I work selfemployed and I'd actually love to move to that new country), but I'm scared. We're not engaged. And even though I know that being engaged/married doesn't mean the relationship is safe, I kinda don't feel comfortable moving to a different country to live with him, without being engaged at least, especially considering that we have been together for over three years. We have talked about marriage before but he isn't in a rush, he says we will get married one day but doesn't see the point of doing it now.
Also, he has bought an apartment there where we would live (I didn't buy it with him because back then I wasn't sure if I should really move), which scares me a bit as well- Moving to a different country to live in HIS apartment (while he could kick me out whenever) without even being engaged?
I don't know, am I expecting too much? I really wanna be with him but I feel like it's natural that I expect us to be engaged at least for me to move. He doesn't seem to understand my problem.
What do you think? What would you do?
Thanks!
You don't want to uproot to be with somebody you think may not be committed for the long haul, and who you'd be beholden to for housing. Nothing wrong with that.
I would go. But, I make a career out of living in different countries.
One big concern, would be getting a visa to live in this country. Most places don't just allow someone to move for an unlimited amount of time (90 days is usual).
Also, in some countries, it could even be illegal for an unmarried couple to live together.
As far as him kicking you out, which is the only real concern that you mentioned, what's the worst that would happen if he did that?
Most likely, you'd have to rent a hotel for a few days, while you sort out a flight back home. Not really that big of a deal.
ETA:
The move and the marriage should be completely independent decisions. People should get married because they want to get married, not for any other reason, IMO
I agree with this 100%
Plus, living in a different country should be an adventure! Don't end up like me, at 48, having made nothing but conventional choices, none of which worked out the way they were supposed to. I put all my eggs into the 'married with 2.5 kids and a dog, house in the suburbs' basket. Now I'm single, making a marginal living, and wondering why I didn't take more chances and do adventurous things when I was young.
If he REALLY doesn't understand your feelings, then you two are on different pages in terms of the relationship.
You aren't expecting too much. It's smart to be cautious. LISTEN to your gut.
I agree with this. You will be very vulnerable there. Ask yourself some questions. Would you be thinking about moving there if you did not know him? Would you stay there if you broke up? If you cannot truly say "yes" to both of these questions then it means this is all for him and that is not a good way to live. All he has to do one day is decide to break up and there you are in a foreign country.
Also just because you can work from anywhere that does not mean you will be allowed to. Check the laws about visas, citizenship, immigration, and taxation.
This does not seem very well thought out. I would not do this.
I kind of side with the ladies I think he has selfish reasons for wanting you to move there. What's he going to do if you don't? Cheat on you, go astray? I think he just wants to keep milking the cow for free but can't do that when the cow is in another country. You've been living with him for a few years? Where's the ring?
I would say weigh the pros and cons and act in YOUR best interest.
I once knew a former co-worker who quit her job to move to Holland to live with her boyfriend who was a pilot. Since he was gone most of the time, she spent quite a lot of time on her own. In order to remain in the country legally, every 90 days she would travel to different European countries. He would give her an allowance every month since she could not legally work in Holland, due to being there on a tourist visa. He already had teenage children with his ex-wife and let her know that if she wanted to be with him, she would have to accept the fact that he did not want any more kids. She did. They were together four years. She wanted to marry him, but I lost contact with her and do not know if they ever ended up tying the knot.
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