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I understand your butthurt and I would myself like a text saying she going out. My thought is I always like to know where my woman is, just in case a emergency pops up on either end. I do this out of what I think is courtesy. I will admit, you owe a bigger apology to her because you were a complete douche about it.
**Reposting, since my previous post was deleted. Unfortunately I don't recall all I wrote but this is the gist:**
Your feelings are valid. At no point did you say you were telling her what to do or not do; you just asked her to give you a heads-up, just as you would do for her, and just as she would demand of you. (Extending such simple courtesies are part of what earn women "blank checks" from men, vs earning our resentment for not doing so.)
Unfortunately, she will not change (nor should she). You must instead decide whether to live with it (and the associated bitterness) or find someone one who agrees with you on relationship protocols -- and who respects you as much as you respect her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serapio
Last night was our 2 year anniversary with my gf (not married, haven't proposed) but she was in Miami for a work conference.
Last night they had a big dinner and were celebrating that the conference had gone well. At about 11pm I texted 'enjoy the rest of the night xo', she replied 'goodnight xo xo'. I wasn't thinking much about it but I was hoping she'd say something like 'We're gonna stick around for an hour or so and then I'll go to bed' something along those lines... but she didn't so 20 mins later I sent her another text: 'Still celebrating?'. She was and then she told me she was headed to South Beach with her team.
She said their head lawyer wanted to go to a party and Andrea wanted to go but not alone (I don't know neither Andrea nor the Lawyer) so she agreed to tag along in case he abandons her and she has no one to talk to. They made a promise they'd be back by 1:30 am.
At that point I felt a bit upset. 'It's our anniversary night and you are partying by yourself in South Beach. To be honest I would have liked for you to tell me this was your plan earlier in the day' I said.
Turns out not 10 minutes had past after I had said good night when she was invited to that party. If I hadnt messaged her again I wouldn't have found out until this morning, or maybe she just wouldn't have told me. That's one thing that is really bothering me right now.
Another thing is, when you're in a serious relationship you dont go to an impromptu party at midnight without consulting your partner, and if your partner happens to be in bed -mind you it's also our anniversary, I'd think the decent and considerate thing to do is to politely decline the invite and call it a night. That's what I would have done.
I said this to her last night but she became a little defensive. She said if it would have been a social event she would have called it a night, but because it was a work event, it was smart to go because of the networking opportunities or what not. Initially she had said she was tagging along because Andrea didn't wanna go alone, now she's saying it's because it was a good work party to go to.
I said those were all excuses and I told her to have fun. She said 'Fine, good night. See you tomorrow'. She's coming back tonight and we were supposed to spend the night together as we normally do but I was so upset I told her that I didn't wanna see her and to stop texting me because I had to get some sleep.
Today went by without hearing from her until just now. she sent me a text message saying she is heading back home and that from my message last night she assumes tonights plans are off. she also says she hopes Im having a good day. I replied 'Yeah, have a good flight' and that's where we are at.
I think she was disrespectful and inconsiderate and I expect an apology and I'm not going to initiate contact until I get one, but of course here I am wondering if I'm overreacting? was it so bad what she did? I mean for all I know there was no Andrea, maybe it was just her and the lawyer, who knows? but I dont even wanna go there...
You sound like you have a case of sour grapes because she was out on your anniversary instead of sitting in her hotel room pining for you. You either don't trust her or you're petty and controlling. Now you're waiting for her to apologize before you'll speak to her? You should be apologizing to her.
**Reposting, since my previous post was deleted. Unfortunately I don't recall all I wrote but this is the gist:**
Your feelings are valid. At no point did you say you were telling her what to do or not do; you just asked her to give you a heads-up, just as you would do for her, and just as she would demand of you. (Extending such simple courtesies are part of what earn women "blank checks" from men, vs earning our resentment for not doing so.)
Except that he didn't actually ask her to give him a heads up. He's upset because she didn't read his mind and do what he says that he would do in the same situation, and now he's punishing her for it.
Does anyone else get the strange feeling that men and women are changing positions in today's dating / relationship world? Maybe it's stereotypical, but this sounds really 'girlfriendish'.
Anyway...OP: You can't say "have a good time, good night xoxo". And expect her to respond with every answer to any question going on in your head. Did you really even want her to have a good time? It doesn't sound like it. You said it to her more than once, it didn't seem like you were being sincere. She's already out and away, try to control yourself by not trying to make her have a guilt-ridden time!
Sometimes we have to just acknowledge to ourselves that we feel insecure, without dragging the other person down. We -who feel this way, get over it pretty quickly and are glad when we have kept our mouths shut. Try it
Except that he didn't actually ask her to give him a heads up. He's upset because she didn't read his mind and do what he says that he would do in the same situation, and now he's punishing her for it.
True, his timing was off and his method clumsy -- probably ruining her evening. He could/should have waited until she returned to vent.
I do, nonetheless, contend that his feelings are perfectly valid, especially since there are clearly some preexisting trust issues here, which is why he is so upset and why she did not tell him until the last moment (because she knew what his reaction would be).
... there are clearly some preexisting trust issues here, which is why he is so upset and why she did not tell him until the last moment (because she knew what his reaction would be).
I didn't see anything that indicated that.
He ONLY said that he had HOPED she would do one thing, but of course never vocalized it, then got mad when he texted her AGAIN hoping she would be back in the room, and nothing in his description of her explanation showed intent to deceive, in my opinion.
Way, way outta line. Unless you have some sort of agreement in which she has to tell you everything she does & she's cool with that agreement. I traveled for 10 years of my marriage, every week. DH traveled for the next 10 years. I wouldn't expect him to tell me everything he's doing & vice versa.
She was in another city! What difference does it make that it was your anniversary, you obviously weren't celebrating together. Unless you had planned a midnight phone call or something, she has nothing to apologize for & you're way outta line.
BTW, I'm a night owl, my DH is not. If I'm partying with friends & we decide to go to another party (gasp, after midnight), no way would I call to tell my DH. He's asleep. Even if he were awake, I wouldn't call, for what? He knows I'm out with friends. You owe her an apology.
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