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We all have value as people, and are deserving of compassion and caring regardless. That does not mean we don't have issues or problems stemming from our own genetics, upbringing, or prior relationships - we surely do. The nature and severity of those issues may be off-putting or even deal breakers for others, and they have the right to decide for themselves if that's the case. However, they are wrong if they are nasty or abusive when communicating their choice to not get involved.
This.
I avoid terms with such negative connotations. Instead, I use "history," since everyone has a history with their own set of circumstances and background.
I personally have never referred to anyone as damaged goods, however, there are certain people that I'm not going to deal with on a personal level. And there are certain things that I am not willing to compromise on. My life has been pretty calm and straight forward IMO, while others constantly judge me saying I'm naive and sheltered. As I've gone through life and observed many people, I do think that people make mistakes and they screw up because no one is perfect. BUT what I have also seen is people who have gotten themselves into bad situations due to poor choices.
I understand we all have to learn and experience is the "best teacher" and "yolo" and all this. But I think, at some point you should stop, think, and observe other people. I notice a lot of people fall into the same trap over and over again. I just think you can learn a lot if you PAY attention to the people around you, that way you can avoid making the same mistakes others have. People shouldn't be judged harshly for their pasts, but at the same time others are allowed to have their preferences.
If they feel like a person has too much going on or too many issues than they are willing to deal with, then they have a right to move on. I think if a person has had some tragic things happen or a rough life, they owe it to themselves to heal properly and get the right help for it.
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Originally Posted by mishigas73
My sentiments exactly.
My personal thought on this issue is that, no, of course it's not nice to refer to people by these labels, either in or out of their presence, but once we (the general "we") start speaking about "not judging people" in this respect, we are treading perilously close to telling people who they should or should not be involved with, or what they should or should not accept in their personal relationships.
I would never call someone damaged goods to their face, but I might think it internally. To me, that's a label you apply to someone with unresolved emotional problems who's not yet ready for dating. But I do think it's a label people are a little too quick to assign, probably to make themselves feel better about who they are. Someone earlier brought up the issue of bipolar disorder, which is exactly the type of thing people would say marks you as damaged goods. My ex was bipolar, but I never saw her as damaged goods. But I was lucky in that I never experienced the kind of behavior people often describe with respect to BP. I choose to keep an open mind about people and not let ugly stigmas cause me to become biased against them prematurely.
Tainted or damaged goods. I don't really think so much in those terms usually. I mean you can get to know someone and make an observation about their dysfunctional behavior, but it's not something that is at the forefront of my thought process.
I mean we all have some kind of baggage, so not really sure what to make of that.
I never liked the label because it implies that there's something wrong with the person by design... I've referred to people as "bad news," or said that they have too much drama, when that's the case. But, saying that a guy who is divorced with a kid or a woman coming out of a bad relationship with an abusive ex is "damaged goods" isn't fair. They could be an absolutely awesome, drama-free, mature person. If you don't want to date them then fine, but don't act like they are permanently worth less.
Since the past year, I myself can be referred to as "bad news".
In the case of rape and abuse victims this stigma is especially hurtful. This I know first hand as my lady was the victim of a violent attempted rape and a subsequent assault as well. I can't even imagine how I would react to someone referring to her in a manner such as we are discussing. It's hard enough for victims like that to not think of themselves like that, and societal views that support that don't help.
During the course of therapy and counseling we went through together, and of course the police investigations and the whole court thing, I really found out just how non victim oriented things really are. The 'system" talks a real good game about how victims have nothing to fear, be brave and come forward, face their attackers, and my favorite "we are here to help you". It's hard enough on people that have had to endure a nasty divorce and have vindictive exes and such not to get labeled as damaged goods sexual assault/rape victims literally have to walk through fire in how society and the "system" treat them. Many of these victims wind up on their own facing that beast. Because of that whole "it's to much work to stay" thing so if they have a husband or SO the latter just bail on them.
That standing with someone through the aftermath of sexual assault is hard, that goes without say. It's a serious understatement. But justifying leaving by saying the victim is "tainted" (oh I've heard that one a few times) or damaged goods...I find that to be the take of a sniveling coward who wouldn't know lov if it locked them in a stranglehold. You might be amazed at just how much more common it is for people to justify abandoning an SO who has been victimized using the tainted excuse rather than even put in just a little effort. I've seen people just get up and walk out of group sessions when their wife, or otherwise SO was totally falling apart. It was just "to much for them". ummm...ok, wtfe.
yes, the whole "damaged goods" thing is more common than one woul think. Wht you said earlier about having had people tell you they would have sex with someone who is bi polar, or otherwise ill,or with a seual assault victim etc, but wouldn't become "involved" beyond that is pretty common too. And that is just flat contemptuous to me. If a victim of sexual assault has sex with someone, it is usually because their trust has been gained somehow. I think you see where I'm going with that.
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Originally Posted by 49ersfan27
I wouldn't say someone is damaged goods.. But many people are naive and uneducated about life and thus making dumb choices when it comes to dating. A lot of people will usually say "She or he just made a mistake when they were younger, everyone does it." No they don't (I sure didn't) and that's dodging personal responsibility for your actions.
Some people believe they're entitled to a quality life partner that will magically forgive their pasts mistakes, nobody is entitled to a happily ever after, at some point... We all need to live to with the consequences of our choices in life. And yes....that could mean you'll single forever.
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Originally Posted by NVplumber
Sooo, ...never mind. Moving along, Insofar as my past, mistakes or otherwise, and that of my lady as well, we both have done things we aren't proud of now that seemed like a good thing at the time. Speaking just from the standpoint of me to her so far as her past is concerned there is nothing to forgive. And that would be in the event I have any right to judge to begin with. That door swings both ways. We both were in abusive relationships, both carry scars, both of us had our share of different sexual partners what have you.
So what "dumb choices" when it comes to dating is it that you feel someone need beg forgiveness for from a new relationship partner? My ex wife had such views. That it mattered somehow who I was with and what we did together before she and I became involved. Of course that didn't go double for her. I was the only one who needed to "come clean" for her highness to judge and assign penance. Truly, I'm not getting what you're saying here. "Entitled to a quality life partner who will forgive their past mistakes"? Speaking of "entitled"...do you honestly feel one person or another in a relationship is "entitled" to judge the past of their SO? Are you saying that, hypothetically, say my lady had done something sexually in her past, or vice versa, maybe done a threesome or been paid for sex whatever, that forgiveness needs to be granted from she to me or I to her?
So, what has happened in our pasts might see us single forever if we can't meet someone who will forgive our past? And just what standards are we to use in determining our partners/potential partners ....worthiness...of forgiveness? Way I see it , what happened in my lady's life before me isn't mine to judge. Same works the other way around. And we have both shared parts of our past with each other. So, do you feel as though your past is so far above reproach so as to "entitle" you to judge your SO by her past? Couldja' clarify...a bit ?
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Originally Posted by The Dissenter
While I think of someone calling a rape victim damaged goods is just sociopathic and cruel, I cannot really bring myself to judge a husband or an SO in that situation for leaving if they have turned every stone and have done everything in their power to help their partner. I'm not trying to be totally insensitive. I have an old friend whose wife was raped before they got married. The process he told me to get his wife into a position where she could be a functional partner was long and very difficult and it is a lot for asking anyone to handle, even if you had a long relationship before that. While rape victims have no business being called damaged goods, it is fair for someone to ask themselves if they want to be in what is an extremely difficult situation in regards to their partner. If you are committed to your partner like that, you are a far better person than I am.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea
I personally have never referred to anyone as damaged goods, however, there are certain people that I'm not going to deal with on a personal level. And there are certain things that I am not willing to compromise on. My life has been pretty calm and straight forward IMO, while others constantly judge me saying I'm naive and sheltered. As I've gone through life and observed many people, I do think that people make mistakes and they screw up because no one is perfect. BUT what I have also seen is people who have gotten themselves into bad situations due to poor choices.
I understand we all have to learn and experience is the "best teacher" and "yolo" and all this. But I think, at some point you should stop, think, and observe other people. I notice a lot of people fall into the same trap over and over again. I just think you can learn a lot if you PAY attention to the people around you, that way you can avoid making the same mistakes others have. People shouldn't be judged harshly for their pasts, but at the same time others are allowed to have their preferences.
If they feel like a person has too much going on or too many issues than they are willing to deal with, then they have a right to move on. I think if a person has had some tragic things happen or a rough life, they owe it to themselves to heal properly and get the right help for it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 49ersfan27
What I meant is that a person could've made some bad choices and could've changed into a better person. But that doesn't mean I have to deal with them if said choices in the past were questionable. That's my point.
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Originally Posted by usayit
My entire group, including me, are considered "damaged goods" by many...
That's ok...
I don't really put two thoughts to it and I doubt many in my group do either. Cannot force the issue, cannot change views, nor perspectives unless they want to... everyone is entitled to be the judge of who they want to share their lives with.
I'd rather be with someone who cares enough about me as a person that they are willing to extend a line out to me; faults and all.
Let's take the thread about "SO wanted to be a stripper". It attracts a lot of harsh opinions about the person and a lot of "kick her out", "dump her"... responses. They act as if said person is doing it or did it as a spiteful act... as if that's the only reason they possible would consider it... in spite or to sabotage the relationship. As if this SO wasn't the same person before and after it was discovered. As if this SO was deserving of love.. as long as you didn't know they were a stripper.
I think if it were real life and real love for a person under discussion, it wouldn't be that easy to discard someone for being "damaged goods".
I kinda see all sides to this. I understand people who don't want to get involved with "damaged goods" so to speak, and I respect their choices. At the same time, not good to judge someone on the basis of what happened to them in their past (i.e. rape victims).
I have a close friend who I care deeply for, and she has been through a lot of craziness and hell in her life. I tried to help her, but she has gotten worse. The only thing I can do is try to help her find someone that is more qualified to help her with her trauma while at the same time being with her and supporting her as she progresses. At the same time, I have to respect that she wants her space. One thing that is very important to the healing of trauma is a set of boundaries. They have to be set and respected in order for there to be recovery.
One thing I have found is that people who have gone through tons of trauma (rape, violence, etc.) don't always want people around. She sure doesn't want me around all the time. So I do make sure that the time she does have with me is positive, as well as honest. She has a long journey ahead, and it is hard for her.
People who don't want to be involved with trauma survivors are entitled to their choice, but the last thing that a survivor of trauma needs is condemnation. I also understand that everyone has to walk their own journey.
From experience, we have to be careful with certain people, not just for ourselves, but for the sake of that person. There are many cases where people try to help someone only for it to actually harm that person instead of helping that person.
Those who want to help a trauma survivor, don't, I repeat, don't try to be a rescuer.
To my mind, referring to someone in such a manner based on their past relationships and past in general is about the nastiest and most hurtful thing that could be said to another person. I've seen a lot of posters here use such terms when offering "advice" particularly in reference to women who have been in badly abusive relationships. I.E. "She's damaged goods man. Run as fast as your feet will carry you". What a thing to say. Even on an anonymous board. The worst verbal wounding I ever received was to be referred to by a woman as "leftovers". Like I was some sort of byproduct of my former marriage.
I agree, if we're talking about a marriage. Not sure how I'd see that.
But I will say I have referred to an ex-friend of mine as used-up nasty goods, because she has Herpes, and cheated on her boyfriend of 8 years on a regular basis. She slept with all of his friends and never told any of them. She is pretty much a pariah now.
Tainted or damaged goods. I don't really think so much in those terms usually. I mean you can get to know someone and make an observation about their dysfunctional behavior, but it's not something that is at the forefront of my thought process.
I mean we all have some kind of baggage, so not really sure what to make of that.
This. We all have baggage of some sort, even the judgmental people who don't think they do. That ugly attitude can be baggage someone else won't want to carry. I've heard a saying before that your baggage should not be more than what will fit in the overhead compartment. I think it's a cute saying to acknowledge we all have something.
What I really cannot tolerate is people who refer to someone's children as baggage. Just as reprehensible to me as the thread topic covers.
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I don't really think so much in those terms usually. I mean you can get to know someone and make an observation about their dysfunctional behavior, but it's not something that is at the forefront of my thought process.
It was just "to much for them". ummm...ok, wtfe. 
Truly, I'm not getting what you're saying here. "Entitled to a quality life partner who will forgive their past mistakes"? Speaking of "entitled"...do you honestly feel one person or another in a relationship is "entitled" to judge the past of their SO? Are you saying that, hypothetically, say my lady had done something sexually in her past, or vice versa, maybe done a threesome or been paid for sex whatever, that forgiveness needs to be granted from she to me or I to her? 
Like I was some sort of byproduct of my former marriage.
