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A friend and I were having a conversation about my relationship history and she pointed out what she thinks is a pattern. In my 20s, I dated a woman who had a child from a previous relationship. In my 30s, I dated a woman who turned out to have abandonment issues. And even though we only dated for a short period of time, we became close friends and I've helped her through several crises. In my 40s, I was dating a woman who, very early in the relationship, revealed that she had bipolar disorder. My friend observed that I somehow ended up in relationships with three women who either needed or would potentially need my help. Her argument goes that because I didn't run away screaming when I learned the first woman had a child, that the second woman had dependency issues, or that the third had a mental disorder, I was therefore trying to be a rescuer.
Now, my understanding of the white knight personality is that they seek out people to rescue. They look for people who need help of some kind. But in my case, I never went looking for women who needed to be saved. I never saw these women as being in need of any help, certainly not when I first began pursuing them. If anything, I saw them as the exact opposite, as completely independent women who were doing quite well on their own. So I rejected my friend's argument.
But as I reexamine those three examples my friend gave, it's hard for me not see the pattern she pointed out. Three people who either needed my help or would've potentially needed it. And it's hard for me to dismiss that as just a coincidence. In the case of the third woman, I've lately been plagued by self-doubts over whether I should've asked her to move in with me rather than let her move back home to pay off her massive credit card debt. Part of me now wonders if the only reason I'm having these doubts is because some part me wanted to be her rescuer. When I reflect on it, what I feel is guilt over having stood by when I could've helped.
I guess my question is whether it's possible to fall into that white knight mode of thinking even if you're not deliberately looking for people to rescue? In other words, can you turn into a white knight after you've gotten involved with someone? And is that necessarily a bad thing?
Yes, that is quite possible, even probably when you care about someone. Nothing wrong with that either. We all need help sometimes, man or woman.
What I do see is you ruminating on your last relationship and devoting time to wishing you'd done things differently, yet those things were the right choice at the time. You can't change what has already happened, so what are you doing to move forward now?
Intellectually, I know I made the right decision. Moving in together is a serious step and I wasn't quite ready for it. I don't think she was either. And that was without factoring in the bipolar, which I had never really seen at work so I had no idea how it would impact me or if I'd be able to deal with it. As far as ruminating, what I always do when a relationship ends is ask myself if there was anything I could've done to save it. If there wasn't, then I can at least take comfort in knowing that I tried my best. This was the one relationship where I know there was something I could've done. But I chose not to do it. Like you said, I can't change what happened. All I can do is learn from my mistakes, which is the point my friend was trying to make. In order to move on, you first have to look at your past behavior and acknowledge what, if anything, you did wrong. Otherwise, you could end up making the same mistakes all over again. This is a case of my mind telling me one thing and my heart telling me another. My mind says I made the right call, but my heart says I screwed up. It's hard to know which one to believe. The reason I bring up the whole rescuer thing is to understand what my motive would've been for asking her to move in with me. Would I have done it because I wanted to save the relationship? Or would it have been so that I could be her savior, the guy who bailed her out of the mess that she'd gotten herself into? I honestly don't know.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBeam33
And btw, having a child from a previous relationship is not a disorder or someone that is in need of "rescuing." I don't know if you or your friend characterized it as such, but people need to get off of that kind of thinking. I've been a single mom longer than I was married, and I never needed a rescuer.
I never saw her as needing rescuing either. But when you're in your 20s and you're dating a single parent, people can't understand why since there are plenty of other single women in that age group who don't have kids. They assume that you feel sorry for the person. The woman I was with was abandoned by her baby's father, although I didn't learn that until after we started dating. My friend thinks that was a big reason why I stuck with her, as if I felt some need to help her given what her ex did to her. But I never saw it that way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by swgirl926
Who is making the determination that these women need rescuing? You, or the women? Just because someone has a child from a previous relationship or has a mental disorder doesn't mean that they need to be rescued. Your friend is talking about three different women in three different circumstances over a period of what, two decades? I am not so sure that is a pattern. I hope that next time you choose someone to date that you allow them the dignity of you not automatically assuming that they are going to need your help to the exclusion of your own needs. That is what I am getting from some of your posts. That the women you date are going to need more from the relationship than they are capable of giving back. I don't think that's a fair assessment.
I never assumed anything about these women. I don't go into relationships wondering if this person is going to need my help or that their needs will come before my own. You have no idea how things will turn out when you start dating someone. Even when my ex told me she had bipolar, I didn't start worrying that her illness would take over the relationship. The post(s) you're referring to had more to do with my wanting to convince myself that I dodged a bullet. But in all honesty, if her illness had made it harder for her to be there for me, I would've been OK with that. I think that's because I tend to be more of a nurturer anyway. And when I reflect on whether I should've asked her to move in with me, I don't immediately worry that I could've been stuck taking care of her a lot.
Last edited by DennyCrane; 04-16-2017 at 08:57 AM..
I agree and love moonbeams second paragraph in particular
Most people interpretation of it is when a bloke sees it as an opportune moment to step in and help a lady for his own agenda therefore when people call someone a white knight it's used as a slur and a negative.
Me I look at it as doing the right thing whether that's a bloke that's aggressive/forward towards a lady, jumping in for a mate that's had a few blokes start trouble in a pub or even stopping an old lady getting mugged etc. I'm very protective of friends and even acquaintances and especially if they're in my company regardless if it's a woman or a man Ill have their backs and speak up for them
The latter is how I look at it when I'm called it ( only on here ) and take it as a compliment so if doing the right thing and having people's back for the RIGHT reasons is white knighting then I'm as bright and shiny as they come and proud of it
I guess my question is whether it's possible to fall into that white knight mode of thinking even if you're not deliberately looking for people to rescue? In other words, can you turn into a white knight after you've gotten involved with someone? And is that necessarily a bad thing?
Sure. Guys tend to want to fix problems. It's just our nature. Is it inherently bad? No, but only if you're fixing problems of your own.
Let everyone else deal with their own messes. Go over to Home Depot and find your own fix-it project to keep you busy.
A friend and I were having a conversation about my relationship history and she pointed out what she thinks is a pattern. In my 20s, I dated a woman who had a child from a previous relationship. In my 30s, I dated a woman who turned out to have abandonment issues. And even though we only dated for a short period of time, we became close friends and I've helped her through several crises. In my 40s, I was dating a woman who, very early in the relationship, revealed that she had bipolar disorder. My friend observed that I somehow ended up in relationships with three women who either needed or would potentially need my help. Her argument goes that because I didn't run away screaming when I learned the first woman had a child, that the second woman had dependency issues, or that the third had a mental disorder, I was therefore trying to be a rescuer.
You only mention three women. Three women out of how many? Do you only date one woman per decade?
Also I think your friend has some very bad ideas even if you did only date three ladies in your whole adult life. Since when is a child from a previous relationship some kind of potential disaster in the making or cry for help? It is very insulting to the other two women as well to assume that they are somehow broken and OH MY GOD might need a bit of compassion from a partner, which of course your friend apparently sees as "fixing." Finally it is very insulting to YOU for your friend to assume that because these women have what SHE so arrogantly presumes to be some terribly huge flaw, your open-mindedness in giving these women a shot and your affection for them is some kind of dysfunctional pattern that needs fixing. I will add that it is very ironic of her to make this commentary considering how she assumes YOU have a pattern that needs fixing and of course HER insight is what will do it!
My advice to you is that if you are concerned about the relationships you have had and would like an analysis of your relationship patterns, you seek insight from a qualified professional and not a lady who may or may not have designs on you for herself and may or may not be projecting her own codependency onto you.
Who is making the determination that these women need rescuing? You, or the women? Just because someone has a child from a previous relationship or has a mental disorder doesn't mean that they need to be rescued. Your friend is talking about three different women in three different circumstances over a period of what, two decades? I am not so sure that is a pattern. I hope that next time you choose someone to date that you allow them the dignity of you not automatically assuming that they are going to need your help to the exclusion of your own needs. That is what I am getting from some of your posts. That the women you date are going to need more from the relationship than they are capable of giving back. I don't think that's a fair assessment.
I agree!
However based only what I have read here, it seems he did give them that dignity, and that it is his friend who is assuming this of these women. He has said he didn't see things that way, and she "observed" it and "pointed it out" to him. This is what I very scientifically call "malarkey."
You only mention three women. Three women out of how many? Do you only date one woman per decade?
No, I've dated more women than that and I've had more than three serious relationships. But these were the examples my friend cited to support her argument. I don't think she has designs on me. While I didn't agree with her basic point, I do think she's looking out for my best interests.
No, I've dated more women than that and I've had more than three serious relationships. But these were the examples my friend cited to support her argument. I don't think she has designs on me. While I didn't agree with her basic point, I do think she's looking out for my best interests.
If you are constantly seeking women out with problems, subconsciously or not, it's an issue. Whatever you want to label it.
If you are constantly seeking women out with problems, subconsciously or not, it's an issue. Whatever you want to label it.
And if you read my earlier comments, you would see that I wasn't aware that these women had problems at the time I started pursuing them. By the way, having a child doesn't qualify as having a problem.
And if you read my earlier comments, you would see that I wasn't aware that these women had problems at the time I started pursuing them. By the way, having a child doesn't qualify as having a problem.
You're the one who included it in your "rescuing" resume, not me.
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