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I'm meeting up with someone I've been involved with since I was 15 and I started thinking that I've never been dumped by anyone in my life. All the guys I've ever been with, I'm still with now and then (not during their marriages).
I'm not the marrying or long term BF/gf type but I have dozens of good long term relationships with men. We keep in touch, see each other when either is nearby, genuinely want good things for each other, have fun (not just in the bedroom).
It makes me happy and feel very cosmopolitan, like Anais Nin but the one I'm seeing tomorrow is probably the one I'm most connected to bc of the years involved. My BFF is nagging me to turn it into a typical relationship. I think it's a double standard. Why should I feel bad about being lucky enough to have many people who make my life better instead of picking one who will annoy me to death?
Are there any women in their 40s who have similar situations?
I have lived this way per circumstances and choices. I also have huge commitment issues. I've always lived my life honestly though. Plenty of people make life choices based on "should" and end up dissatisfied and/or hurting others. Many make good choices though, not painting all with the same brush.
Overall I wanted to enjoy my life. If it meant settling down when the timing and person was right, that would have been fine. Things don't always work as planned and I rarely do things because I "should" and always take others into consideration with my actions.
As long as you are living your honest authentic life with kindness don't apologize OP. If you were leading people on and whatnot, I'd have a different opinion.
There is nothing wrong with choosing how you live your own life. If that means remaining single and fostering relationships (even intimate ones) with numerous people, that is ok. However, you will often find yourself subscribing to a definition of relationship that may not be shared by everyone in your circle. You have to be truthful with each and everyone of them and tread lightly... being a close friend (or more) can put you in awkward situations and the potential to really hurt someone if you weren't up front and truthful making sure expectations/boundaries were understood.
I am fairly similar to you. A lot of my circle of friends are females that I've known for a very long time; some of them I've been intimate with, a handful I've had serious relationships. I wouldn't be intimate with any of my platonic girl-friends if I didn't feel that they truly understood my views and have the same feelings as I. I may have been promiscuous but I was not indiscriminate with who I was intimate with... quite selective actually... just not to a single individual at a time.
On the flip side, the woman I eventually married made it clear that she couldn't accept my views; leaving it to me to determine to continue with our relationship or move on. I had to respect that and we eventually got married; continued to foster platonic relationships with those in my circle.
I can agree with you here. I've never actually really had a platonic female friendship. Every female friend I've had I either dated or were intimate in some manner. The more I've talked with my female friends as we've gotten older, they have male friends, but most of them are in the digital sense. The guys they're actually spending time with are the guys that they're actually interested in. The interest could be monogamy or no strings intimacy, but it seems very few are keeping platonic male friends as they've entered their 30s. What I mean by platonic is that they've never kissed or done more.
Or moralistic. Not surprising that such judgment is often reserved for women despite men sowing their wild oats with little consequence for, like, millennia.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,041,955 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84
I can agree with you here. I've never actually really had a platonic female friendship. Every female friend I've had I either dated or were intimate in some manner. The more I've talked with my female friends as we've gotten older, they have male friends, but most of them are in the digital sense. The guys they're actually spending time with are the guys that they're actually interested in. The interest could be monogamy or no strings intimacy, but it seems very few are keeping platonic male friends as they've entered their 30s. What I mean by platonic is that they've never kissed or done more.
Wow, got to believe you, but that seems so sad to me. I have a bunch that it never crossed either of our minds, we were just buddies from the start. Don't see each other much since we moved around the country, but did for many years. Made a new one in Providence, I think, too.
I have done a lot of reading and research and talking with polyamorous folks in the last couple of years. OP, what you are doing is referred to as "solo poly." This means that you have multiple (honest) relationships of whatever intensity you choose, but no intent to "escalate" with any of them. I assume you live independently, from what you said, yes?
This is a form of polyamory. It is different from "hierarchical poly" where people have for instance one "primary" relationship (like a marriage) and other "secondary" relationships which may be casual or not. Or "egalitarian poly" with multiple serious relationships that may be closed or fidelitous but are not ranked by primary, secondary, etc.
I was shooting for solo poly during the year or so after my marriage broke up, but I also recognized that it might be a temporary state. I reserved the right to evolve, and I still do. But I knew that I wanted to get my own place and live independently and not commit to anyone or anything for a while, until I figured out what I was doing and what I had to offer. That thing where people say that you should be single for a while, as you're healing after a major breakup... I don't always agree with that, but I do think it's good to try and avoid serious decisions for a while. I needed not only to heal but to also grow. Solo poly was right for me during that time.
As long as you and your partners clearly understand what you are doing, there is nothing wrong with it! I had one partner who, despite me clearly stating my position many times, I think was aiming for something more like hierarchical and he thought I was "his primary"...that was a little unfortunate. We had some disconnects in our needs and wants. It was for the best that we broke up when we did, he wound up finding someone wonderful who suits him so much better than I did, but she is monogamous, so if I had not left his love life, he might not have had that opportunity. He accepted monogamy somewhat reluctantly, but I think he's happier now.
Solo poly can be a state you want to be in for a time, or a permanent identity. It did feel pretty awesome to have a nice little selection of lovers.
Also, this is how I was when I was a teenager before my ex husband pushed me into his hardcore-monogamous relationship ideals. I wish I'd been strong enough at 18 to stand up to him and tell him that his idea of what-is-what wasn't going to work for me.
Wow, got to believe you, but that seems so sad to me. I have a bunch that it never crossed either of our minds, we were just buddies from the start. Don't see each other much since we moved around the country, but did for many years. Made a new one in Providence, I think, too.
I'm also in a town where marriage happens for most in their 20's. My female friends likely have platonic friends that are married men, but outside of the occasional lunch group get together, that's about the extent of the friendship. They're more like work friends, where they talk at work, but rarely talk outside of work.
I tried for platonic friends in the past when I was in my 20s and it worked a lot easier, but friendships were easier to come by at those times. Now, with people raising children on their own, a lot of them are looking for a partner or exclusive companionship.
I have a friend now who's interested in dating a coworker, but it's been having a hard time getting off high center. They both like each other, but are having some communication issues. She had another guy that was interested in her; however, she wasn't interested in him. She told him that she was interested in strictly friends, and he seemed okay with it, but she also knows the friendship has no legs, since she's romantically interested in a guy she works with. It's not worth it to her to jeopardize something that could be beneficial for her or her son. Like she said too, with the lack of attraction for the friend, there leaves little motivation for her to even want to pursue the platonic avenue. As a single mom, she can handle being single, but she misses companionship and having someone she can talk about her day with. What can I say, I miss those things too.
I don't even know why it needs a term like "solo polyamory"
It's casually dating a bunch of people. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing wrong with it.
I guess the only reason that labels like that can be helpful, is that since communities and dating opportunities spring up that are geared toward polyamorists, it can be an easy shortcut to let other people know where you stand.
Also, simply saying "casually dating a bunch of people" could mean anything from -I've had 5 lovers I've known since high school who come and go from my life as circumstances allow- to -I hit up Tinder and hook up with people when I'm bored- or any permutation in between.
Also, saying "Others do this, so much so that there is a name they've given it" might feel positive for someone to hear. This thread started with that "does anybody else do this?" premise, so that's why I put that there. No, it isn't necessary to label yourself if you don't want to. But it's there if you do. *shrug*
I'm meeting up with someone I've been involved with since I was 15 and I started thinking that I've never been dumped by anyone in my life. All the guys I've ever been with, I'm still with now and then (not during their marriages).
I'm not the marrying or long term BF/gf type but I have dozens of good long term relationships with men. We keep in touch, see each other when either is nearby, genuinely want good things for each other, have fun (not just in the bedroom).
It makes me happy and feel very cosmopolitan, like Anais Nin but the one I'm seeing tomorrow is probably the one I'm most connected to bc of the years involved. My BFF is nagging me to turn it into a typical relationship. I think it's a double standard. Why should I feel bad about being lucky enough to have many people who make my life better instead of picking one who will annoy me to death?
Are there any women in their 40s who have similar situations?
I lived like that after my divorce (45-52 or so). It was fine. I liked it.
But at some point I decided I'd rather be monogamous. It was just an instinct, no idea what changed. I just had the urge to disconnect cleanly from them all.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,041,955 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Also, simply saying "casually dating a bunch of people" could mean anything from -I've had 5 lovers I've known since high school who come and go from my life as circumstances allow- to -I hit up Tinder and hook up with people when I'm bored- or any permutation in between.
It could, and that's ok. I never saw the reason to label these things for others. Do what you do, when you want, be honest with the people you're seeing. Keep it simple. Labels bring boxes. That's my perspective.
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