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A commitment phobic, increasingly non-monogamous hook up culture(like the one we happen to live in right now) is unfortunately that kind of world.
Not my world.
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I have been with my bf over a year I still haven't heard I love you yet. If I hear ILY very early I feel nervous as he may be frivolous and not serious but it depends really.
My guy said it first, after we had had conversations about how frustrated I was about how people viewed love. I don't think that saying it casually or often cheapens it at all. But then I don't want one relationship that is "us against the world" in a bubble, like. I don't want love to be this sacred cow of a thing. I want more love in my life, not less, not restricted and guarded down to one person. And I don't want it to mean "I want to marry you" or "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" or "I think I own you now." If I wanted to say those kinds of things, I would say those things. I love you means, to me, I think you are amazing, and I crave your presence in my life. I feel, sometimes almost overwhelmingly, affectionate and joyful toward you. I want to continue having you around, in whatever way that works best for us both.
And I love a lot of people.
I had talked about this to my man, and early after we went from building our association with one another in larger social settings, to dating one-on-one, he said it, and I remember he said, "I love you, not in a making babies or picking out china way, ok?" Because I'd used similar phrasing in our talks before. I laughed, and said, "I love you, too!" and he said, "Cool!"
EDIT: I did not lose respect for him, for being the one to say it first. That's so weird. Do people actually act like that or think that? What a cynical and bitter thing that seems, to me. And if, early on, you're already thinking, "If I say this, they'll think that, so I better not" then man, that's just...not good. Seems like treating an attempt at partnering, as dealing with an enemy or opponent. Good luck having a healthy relationship with that mindset.
But different people sure feel differently about this phrase. I have known people who actually never want to say it at all, EVER. They tell me, you either show it, and it's known, or not. Talk is cheap, and actions speak louder and all that.
Personally, and this is just my opinion and not how "ordinary folks" might go about it...I would say it, and then go on to say what it means to me. And if you don't know what it means to you enough to describe in more than simply those three words...then maybe you're not ready to say it.
The losing respect thing when a man says he loves a woman is such a.........shame. Not that she loses respect, but that some men seem to feel that she may. That's either the height of game playing or the worst of masculine/feminine divide stuff, or likely some of both.
You can only say I love you too soon if it really isn't true yet. Saying it to gain something is awful, and saying it when what you feel is infatuation is so very awkward and probably damaging to the relationship. Say it when you know it's real, and you will know. Say it proudly and without any expectations, except that it should feel good to feel that way and to share that feeling.
The losing respect thing when a man says he loves a woman is such a.........shame. Not that she loses respect, but that some men seem to feel that she may. That's either the height of game playing or the worst of masculine/feminine divide stuff, or likely some of both.
Not when he says it, when he says it first. I've seen it said on this forum and others by men and women alike that the person who cares least about a relationship always has the upper hand.
Not when he says it, when he says it first. I've seen it said on this forum and others by men and women alike that the person who cares least about a relationship always has the upper hand.
This is crappy and true, but your doing a disservice to your partner by not giving yourself to them and the relationship.
Not when he says it, when he says it first. I've seen it said on this forum and others by men and women alike that the person who cares least about a relationship always has the upper hand.
And if you have an unbalanced relationship of this sort...you're in for an unhappy ride. And I most certainly would NOT want to be with a man who was concerned with playing trivial games with words and conventions to try and have the "upper hand."
I thought that all relationships were unbalanced, that one cared a lot, and the other was kind of "meh" and the one who didn't care had all the power. And the only long term relationship I ever had was one of these, where he cared about it a lot more than I did, and I thought I had the power but it's a smooth narcissist who will maneuver you into thinking that, but it's not always true. And in any event, that was a relationship that went from unpleasant to catastrophic and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
And so I believed it was not possible for both partners to truly be in the same place, loving one another with equally great intensity and passion. And then it found me, when I'd given up looking for it.
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