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I tend to agree esp at 37. I don't think he is a serial killer. but i do think he has tendencies that aren't healthy
Look up the story, the young woman was fresh out of a marriage with two children and probably never thought this seemingly normal young man from a wealthy family would end up doing that after a simple ball game date. This man was not a serial killer either, he was messed up in the head. No serious relationships at 37 is a red flag.
Hi CD forum, I know I tend to overanalyze. I'm trying not to do that here. Science guy and I went out again tonight. It was a good date overall though I still think he can be very awkward at times, very blunt and straightforward.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 8 days ago)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inacitysomewhere
He's not autistic. He is socially awkward. He's a super nerd. He spends all day in a cube doing math problems. That is why I had initially labelled him awkward. I just thought he hadn't dated much and didn't interact a lot with people.
You're right his answer to the question about relationships was wierd as well. I had to ask him at the end of his first answer to clarify how many serious relationships he had had because he was talking about some girl he has gone with. Eventually it came out that he has basically dated two other girls, at least, that is what I got out of his answer. neither of them got serious.
I don't know why you dismiss that he's brushed with autism. I read the entire nine pages to see if you'd considered that, or someone had suggested it, before I make my comment that it's obvious he has mild autism.
This guy is the very poster child for "brushed with autism". He wants to know what category to put you in, "exclusive or not", because he's come to learn those are the categories. He tells you he wants to go to lunch then watch a foreign film and you should probably dress comfortably for that. (Should he have followed up that statement with, by the way, this is how I'm letting you know I am brushed with autism? I state my personal clothing preferences for comfort in watching a movie on a couch.)
He sits in a cubicle all day doing math and you call him "science guy". He's uncomfortable discussing personal stuff. Every interaction with him is awkward.
So I do have to ask. What in the world has caused you to dismiss mild autism?
I don't know why you dismiss that he's brushed with autism. I read the entire nine pages to see if you'd considered that, or someone had suggested it, before I make my comment that it's obvious he has mild autism.
This guy is the very poster child for "brushed with autism". He wants to know what category to put you in, "exclusive or not", because he's come to learn those are the categories. He tells you he wants to go to lunch then watch a foreign film and you should probably dress comfortably for that. (Should he have followed up that statement with, by the way, this is how I'm letting you know I am brushed with autism? I state my personal clothing preferences for comfort in watching a movie on a couch.)
He sits in a cubicle all day doing math and you call him "science guy". He's uncomfortable discussing personal stuff. Every interaction with him is awkward.
So I do have to ask. What in the world has caused you to dismiss mild autism?
That's what I wonder as well. I suggested it back in post #67 but the OP wouldn't hear it.
If he is as socially awkward as you have described him to be he may just be desperate. He's also older and has yet to have a serious relationship? That could be a red flag or he could just be a late bloomer. Either way it sounds like he's desperate for your relationship to work and he's projecting his insecurities.
I went through something similar with my husband of 32 years, only we were both on the same page. It was intense and we were living together after 8 weeks. I knew I would marry him on our first date. It's a wonderful thing when you're both on the same page, but you are going into this with your eyes wide open and in a mature way. He might already be in the this is the one mode.
You have to have a firm and honest conversation with him. He needs to respect your need to take it slow. Communication is the key, as long as it's honest communication. Tell him exactly how you feel about him and tell him that his pressure makes you uncomfortable. I honestly would give him a chance because he could turn out to be a great husband. I hope it works out for both of you.
Hi CD forum,
I know I tend to overanalyze. I'm trying not to do that here. Science guy and I went out again tonight. It was a good date overall though I still think he can be very awkward at times, very blunt and straightforward.
If you remember my previous post, he wanted exclusivity after 5 dates. We talked about it and I told him I wasn't ready. Y'all said it was only a red flag if he was pushing my boundary. I'm trying ot see if the below is a red flag, or just an awkward guy. I do know I tend to overanalyze so I'm trying not to.
We went out again tonight and he presented his position again. He said that his 'friends were asking what our status was' and that he was having to keep telling them he would let them know and that he would like to know so he could tell his friends. I thought that was a bit odd? I mean, my friends ask occasionally who I'm dating and I just tell them, or I don't tell them. Right now, I haven't been talking about a lot of it simply because I don't really know where things are and I don't feel like people poking around in my business. My mom asked recently and I said, "I'll let you know when there is something to report." Then, he said, "I don't like pressuring people to do things, but..." and proceeded to explain again why he wanted to be exclusive.
To me, it felt like he was pressuring me the moment he said, "I don't like...but." I also don't know why I need to feel obligated to his 'friends.' It felt like he was trying to put third party pressure on me. I don't know why he doesn't just tell his friends to bug off if they irritate him that much, and I don't know what it has to do with me and with us.
That said, he was very open and I know it took a lot of balls for him to be so open which I told him I really respected and appreciated, which is the truth. I just don't know if I am ready to be exclusive because there are things I don't know yet that would impact that and whether or not we'd be a good match. (Big things: values, his stance on money, his stance and expectations of sex). I prefer to let those things come out/up a little more organically but since he brought it up so candidly, I did ask him (to start) about his past relationships. Basically he has never had a serious relationship. He said he had a hard time finding women who weren't conventional because he was so eccentric (he is) and that it was rare that he felt a connection. I do understand that, but I also don't know how much of this is rushed, and how much he might think this is more than it (currently) is because he's not been in a serious r-ship before. He is 37.
This has nothing to do with other people. I don't like to be exclusive until I am fairly sure it has a real chance. I do see some serious depth to this guy, and I like that, but there are a lot of things to learn. He offered to be 'exclusive but not committed' and I said I would think about it; however, I don't normally do that because I don't think it really accomplishes anything other than testing the waters, which we are already doing, and if there isn't sex involved, it's not that important (IMO) that there be exclusivity. I'm talking about things like dinner dates, walks, hiking, things like that, here, kissing but not too much, for the basic dates. In public. I guess I want to establish some form of friendship first, then go into more serious things. I'd only be comfortable with more physical things if I had more of a sense that there was a serious thing developing. He talked several times about 'worrying' what I was doing and perhaps seems quite insecure.
Thoughts?
Red flag, or just me being overanalytical|?
It seems to me that he just wants to know where you guys stand, like he wants the "uncertainty" period to end. Is he a little obsessive? I was that way with my husband (we're both eccentric, him way more than me though I think he would have a different opinion on that). We met on an internet forum like this one and it just gnawed me to have to wait to meet him because I wanted to know if the online chemistry would carry over in person. So it was an obsessive thought to me, before we met, as in "What are we really? We're not really dating because we haven't even met!" (and then as soon as we met I needed to know if we were in a relationship then. I hated the uncertainty period too. I didn't have to ask him about it though, it was very apparent we were a match).
Well, it doesn't seem like a red flag to me, but then I've always been obsessive and can understand where he's coming from.
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