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To me, this is what a real man is: A man who values the intimacy builders in a relationship more than the sex, which is what appears your husband does.
It's scary to read the responses from some of the guys on here: That all they value is the sex that they want in their relationship...and that providing emotional intimacy to their SO is a condition of them getting that sex. No sex? No emotional intimacy for their SO. This is the essence of emotional immaturity and pure selfishness. Although there should be a healthy exchange of give-and-take in relationships, truly emotionally intimate relationships aren't strictly quid pro quo (or rather, they shouldn't be).
God forbid if their wife/GF shuts down sexually for w/e reason, they will stop giving her the emotional intimacy that she needs - instead of caring enough about her to talk to her and trying to help her with w/e is troubling her. That's where love, caring and compassion for your SO comes in - not just shutting her out emotionally just because he's not having 'regular intervals' of intercourse with her.
Whereas most women would approach their husband/BF and care enough to talk to him and help him with w/e is causing him to shut down emotionally before she eventually shuts him out sexually if he doesn't open up to her and tell her what's going on with him emotionally. Most women wouldn't shut their husband/BF down sexually right off the bat if he wasn't giving her what she needs emotionally - she would attempt to talk to him as many times as necessary to get to the bottom of what his emotional issues are.
Usually, it's over a period of time that the husband/BF stays emotionally shut down without talking to their wife/GF about it and without trying to rectify w/e their issue is that causes her to eventually begin to shut down sexually.
"Act like an ice queen [for whatever length of time] and see how your husband feels."
I wouldn't have to "wait and see" how he feels because I wouldn't suddenly cut out sex for no reason, and it surely wouldn't go on for a length of time before it was addressed. And really, he'd absolutely wonder what's up if all of the other things came to a halt, the forms of intimacy he values and appreciates separate from sexual intimacy, that could lead to a change in the frequency of sexual intimacy.
If you can't communicate with your partner when something doesn't seem right, then you need to address that, rather than allow things to get worse. Emotional and intellectual intimacy acts as our foundation, and the same for empathy and compassion. The lack of emotional/intellectual intimacy is what he'd notice first. Same for me. We're wired very similarly in that regard. If something were off, we'd talk about it.
Has making out always led to sex? The saying "no" or backing off fits in where either party isn't ready or wanting to take it further. If either party has reservations about sex due to their upbringing or internalized guilt and shame, their own inhibitions and insecurities, or maybe something about how things are progressing with that particular person at that particular time just feels off-putting or not right.
Heck, I've had grown men act reserved and hesitate to take things further. I never dealt with lingering religious hangups about sex, but I know both men and women who have or do. I've come across men with a preference to take things slow, or prefer to build up to sexual intimacy.
Many people may find things are great and exciting while you're making out, but still have reservations about going forward for whatever reason.
During the early stages of reentering the dating scene after 8.5 years, I went on a date with a Frenchman who laid the mushy-gushy stuff on real thick and the kissing was just...no. He was pretty assertive and pushy and I wasn't feeling it. It was a combination of things. Kissing is a big thing for me. If we didn't click, I had less interest in anything else. Perhaps it's different for others, but that's just me, and other things you can pick up on.
No. That's the thing - it doesn't necessarily lead there. It's a natural and intuitive flow. She doesn't need to say anything. I know not go there.
Second bolded point exactly.
I'm usually the one who chooses not to go there, not because I don't want sex but because I can see there is relationship waiting to happen that I don't want. If I can see a mutual FWB then fine. I do not have it in me to hump and dump (I'm not against a fling or ONS). For some reason, most of the girls I dated wanted to stay. I tended to have long term relationships.
Still, finding a dark corner of the internet where a handful of misfits complain to each other isn't solid proof of anything other than that misery loves company. People in good relationships are seldom online patting themselves on the back en masse.
The point is that it is a clear window into the lives of otherwise normal couples that aren't having sex for whatever reason. They're hardly misfits. Furthermore, it is an easy example clearly showing that the intimacy dies with the sex.
And didn't we just have a thread that discussed the very issue of waiting X amount of dates before "giving it up" or "putting out." Going with that thinking, making out and heavy petting are off limits because, oh no, that means it should lead to sex. So if she's supposed to wait until date four, five or six, does that also mean forgoing making out to avoid taking it too far and making the sex-hungry man upset for backing off? If she gives in, she's "too easy," and therefore a sl-- (but not him, of course), but if she acts confused or unsure about PiV, she's a tease and wasting his time. Women can want sex, but can't want it too much or too little. It shouldn't be difficult to understand why taboos/guilt/shame/confusion surrounding female sexuality still exist. They're still widely perpetuated today.
But yeah, I didn't mess with dudes with these antiquated hangups about sex.
Yes all of this is so true and I am confused myself as to how long to wait, but if I can tell he's really interested then I'll jump in sooner rather than later--after all I like sex too. If his interest seems lukewarm when we're not together then I'll wait to see if catches up and that's what was going on here. He seemed totally into me when we were together but I've seen that before--some men can be Oscar award winning actors when they want sex only and it seems like they're in love, but they may not even like me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Electrician4you
How much of the hot and steamy scenario are you contributing to? Are you devouring the dude and then telling him no I can't. Take me home? If you're running hot and cold you're confusing the guy. That's pretty unfair. If you wanna have sex with the guy have sex with him. If you are not mentally ready then sit him down in a non date sort of meeting say invite him to a coffee joint in the afternoon and tell him you're not ready to be sexually active. If he is into you he will wait. If he's just looking for a ride nothing else he will simply fade away. probably right after that coffee date.
No I wasn't I'm pretty sure but I want to address this for the thread. We were standing up kissing. I wanted to see if there was a connection, and for me there was. We never laid down anywhere and I didn't let him stick his hand down my pants and I didn't touch him anywhere that would make him think I'm a tease. In fact, when the kissing started to warm up, I broke off long enough to let him know nicely that tonight was not going to be the night. I'm not sure I could have been any clearer.
Also we did have that conversation. We had it on the phone and I gently explained that I'm going thru a tough time right now and that it would not be a good time to start being sexual now but that I'm not the type to wait forever either. We are not young people and both of us probably have too much baggage but it seemed he understood and we went out that night and had a good time and then he pulled it again. The message I got is that he does not care about my needs at all, at all. I think what hurts is that I have a pretty strong code of ethics in dealing with potential relationships, and even dates in general--I do not hold the code of doing unto others what has been done to me, so it hurts pretty bad when dates try to use me. I'll get over it of course and I'll move on, but each encounter like this makes me want to get more cats. Lol.
I'd like to add that most men I've dated do not act like this and never the ones who were truly interested.
Well I, the OP, am over 40. so what does that have to do with anything? I'm not even sure why the arguing--I think we can all agree that sex is necessary for a good relationship and so is intimacy. The real issue is how much and how soon. Many men that I've met in my life just want to pump and dump and I've blamed my own self often for things that were less my fault than my date's. I don't feel that I owe sex to a man that I'm not in a relationship with but some have tried to convince me that I do.
Well I, the OP, am over 40. so what does that have to do with anything? I'm not even sure why the arguing--I think we can all agree that sex is necessary for a good relationship and so is intimacy. The real issue is how much and how soon. Many men that I've met in my life just want to pump and dump and I've blamed my own self often for things that were less my fault than my date's. I don't feel that I owe sex to a man that I'm not in a relationship with but some have tried to convince me that I do.
I'm 31 and I'm dealing with this. I'm astonished that it still happens in older demographics.
You never owe sex to any man so don't blame yourself.
I don't anymore but I'm going to tell a personal story on here that is very painful to me but as I'm finding out now, it's not unique either. I think most decent men have no idea that so many of us have similar stories and the baggage that goes with it and they think were overreacting to things.
I was 18 and was getting ready to start my first semester in college. I had just moved onto campus and school hadn't yet started and I didn't know anyone and was starting to get lonely so I went for a walk. A couple of guys called out a greeting and we started to talk so I went up and sat out on the porch with them and one went in and got me a beer and we had a nice conversation. I had another beer and started to get sleepy so I got up to leave but needed to use the bathroom and felt comfortable enough to do that. I was feeling really woozy at this point and when I came out he pinned me up against a wall and tried to get sex but I said no. He kept pestering me about it--pestered me hard and I was so relaxed I finally gave in. I woke up about 3 in the morning in time to hear his roommates say, "is that chick in there with him? He'll eff anybody!" I got up and put on my clothes and ran out, blaming myself the entire time and it took me a few days to realize that I'd been drugged most likely. The scary part was that I couldn't remember what the man looked like and I was so scared of running into him on campus.
This whole situation brought some of that back to me, which is probably why I'm more upset than it would seem someone should be. I started this thread to see if I was being over sensitive because sometimes I can be, but seems most, men and women, don't think I am.
This whole situation brought some of that back to me, which is probably why I'm more upset than it would seem someone should be. I started this thread to see if I was being over sensitive because sometimes I can be, but seems most, men and women, don't think I am.
You were raped, of course you're going to be hesitant and sensitive.
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so what does that have to do with anything? I'm not even sure why the arguing--I think we can all agree that sex is necessary for a good relationship and so is intimacy. The real issue is how much and how soon. Many men that I've met in my life just want to pump and dump and I've blamed my own self often for things that were less my fault than my date's. I don't feel that I owe sex to a man that I'm not in a relationship with but some have tried to convince me that I do.