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Your spouse is not supposed to be your everything. That is asinine.
Ask him how asinine it is when one of them gets sick in old age whether it be cancer , dementia or what ever and the other spouse will help care for them out of love. That is the point in life where your spouse is your EVERYTHING . We cannot count on our kids to care for us in old age, we will all get old . Marriage to me is an investment of sorts. This other person is supposed to have your back , regardless. Marriage is perfect with the right person.
Ask him how asinine it is when one of them gets sick in old age whether it be cancer , dementia or what ever and the other spouse will help care for them out of love. That is the point in life where your spouse is your EVERYTHING . We cannot count on our kids to care for us in old age, we will all get old . Marriage to me is an investment of sorts. This other person is supposed to have your back , regardless. Marriage is perfect with the right person.
I dunno, I've known old widows and widowers who developed health problems or dementia or whatever, and a kindly neighbor checked in on them until or unless they couldn't care for themselves anymore, and then they went into a home of some sort. I've seen quite a bit of that. I think it's healthier to have a network, however large or small, of trusted extended family and/or friends and/or neighbors, who have your back.
You can have that AND a partner who is extremely supportive and gives a lot of care, if you are fortunate enough to have that...but it's usually the case that one partner dies before the other one does, and the other does not always rapidly follow them into the grave of a "broken heart" or anything else. My Great Aunt lived a very fulfilling life as a widow for over 20 years, my Grandfather has outlived my Grandmother by a handful of years now, and has forged a better relationship with his daughter (my Mom) than anyone ever thought possible, as they've worked on home renovation projects and she has cared for him as necessary. My boyfriend's father has outlived his mother by some five years now, and a neighbor checks on him often.
I expect to outlive my boyfriend after we (hopefully) get married, and I'm fine with not having a spouse when eventually I age and die. I'm a pretty social person, I'll have friends I imagine. I've never really expected anyone to take care of me.
There are some people who really are not very social and don't want many human connections, who kind of just...don't like people. But they want a partner, and they want the two of them to be so bonded and myopic and attached that there's almost no one else in any meaningful role in either of their lives, locked down and locked in, forever until death. I don't feel that would ever be healthy for me, and I know better than to try and be with such a person. For me that would be a big red flag. For some, it sounds perfect.
Your spouse is not supposed to be your everything. That is asinine.
Agreed. In the past, like the beloved 50's, a spouse was not your everything. A spouse was mainly a partner in domestic operations and child-rearing, with or without traditional gender roles. He/she was just one of the many roles people in someone's life played. Emotional support was provided by extended family, entertainment was provided by friends and neighbors, social support was provided by one's church or synagogue, and drinking buddies were provided by the Elks Lodge et al.
Today, a spouse's role changed drastically. He is she is expected to literally be someone's anything and everything, the same role once fulfilled by lots of different people. It's borderline impossible for one person to wear so many different hats for decades on end. Which is why today's "one person doing everything" marriage model is simply unsustainable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by little pink
Ask him how asinine it is when one of them gets sick in old age whether it be cancer , dementia or what ever and the other spouse will help care for them out of love. That is the point in life where your spouse is your EVERYTHING . We cannot count on our kids to care for us in old age, we will all get old . Marriage to me is an investment of sorts. This other person is supposed to have your back , regardless. Marriage is perfect with the right person.
Well back then you could, as a guy, basically treat a wife as subservient domestic labor (actually hired labor had more rights) and they couldn't reasonably leave no matter how much you abused them, because the divorce process was more difficult, and the odds were the woman had no career path to self support herself... and all you had to do to be a "good husband" was go to work and pay the bills, which was really easy in the post WW2 boom economy (because the rest of the world was behind a wall or in ruins).
Oh, sorry, was I supposed to answer with another type of answer?
Nah, you hit it right on the nail.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL
But it seems like the guys who have never been married and probably don't even have a relationship, are so scared about somebody taking their Pinto or Monte Carlo and running out the door that its laughable to people who have a lot to lose but don't concentrate on that one aspect.
I agree, so many unmarried forever single guys are too frighten for fear of heart break (who isn't afraid of heartbreak) and plus (more importantly) losing their beloved Ford Granada in inevitable divorce. Lol
On a serious note: I dont think it has anything to do with all of the above. I really think a lot of these guys complaining about marriage cant even get a woman/date, thus, the negativity of any type of relationship with a woman. Its pretty obvious to me
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut
I agree, so many unmarried forever single guys are too frighten for fear of heart break (who isn't afraid of heartbreak) and plus (more importantly) losing their beloved Ford Granada in inevitable divorce. Lol
I almost look forward to my next heartbreak, honestly. It means I will have fallen for someone and had something I wouldn't have wanted to lose.
Trust is all well and good. But today's laws and institutions make it very difficult to trust your significant other. Because more often than not, they enable shady and opportunistic behavior.
What "today's laws and institutions"? Name 2 laws, and 2 institutions that make it difficult to trust your significant other. A trustworthy person is not going to suddenly turn untrustworthy because of some "enabling" laws and institutions, anyway.
You seem to have trust issues. Or maybe you're not able to trust your own judgment in choosing a life partner?
Spouses today are not this loyal. Today's marriages ensure one thing and one thing only: a divorce windfall for the wife.
What about the marriages where there's no windfall, because both are in the same earning bracket? What about the marriages where the wife makes more (those are increasing in number, btw)? What about the divorces in which no one contests anything, because they just want to get it over with, and move on? It's a minority of divorces that end up in court.
It sounds like you're the one with the 50's mindset. But I hear the 50's are calling around, demanding their mindset back...
What about the marriages where there's no windfall, because both are in the same earning bracket? What about the marriages where the wife makes more (those are increasing in number, btw)? What about the divorces in which no one contests anything,because they just want to get it over with, and move on? It's a minority of divorces that end up in court.
It sounds like you're the one with the 50's mindset. But I hear the 50's are calling around, demanding their mindset back...
Thats what happened in my divorce. My ex wife could have very easily been awarded a substantial chunk of my portfolio, but she decided not to ask for anything. After the divorce was finalized, me being the generous forgiving man I am, sent her a check for everything she deserved and then some to start a new life, even though her infidelity ended our marriage. I remember, her taking almost a year to cash that check, too.
What "today's laws and institutions"? Name 2 laws, and 2 institutions that make it difficult to trust your significant other. A trustworthy person is not going to suddenly turn untrustworthy because of some "enabling" laws and institutions.
You seem to have trust issues. Or maybe you're not able to trust your own judgment in choosing a life partner?
What about the behaviors of people these days? I didn't want to be alone 5 years ago when I filed for my divorce. I had no choice. She became a total indolent when it came to bettering herself. When it came to discussion of the matter all I got was bad attitude and rude replies. She went from an resourceful motivated individual to a complete punk.
I was not going to allow myself to be walked over and taken advantage of. She was going to do whatever she wanted when she wanted and her idea of adventure was a trip to the nearest shopping mall. She's 30 to 40 k in debt entering her 50s just as I thought she would be. I lost my trust in her and I was correct but how can you trust people with what people are capable of?
The problem is our institutions and society allow people to do as they like. There's no shame. How was I to change my wife's behavior? Beg? Beat her? I would do and did neither. I expected more from myself and more from her.
I don't see many people as trustworthy. Humans are a larcenous breed and in our society it's pretty apparent that as a whole we value little above ourselves.
All we as individuals can do set boundaries and learn to live with the boundaries of others. Then be ready for anything.
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