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I really think that this is the crux of what you're saying and this is what you should be focusing more on.
Years ago if I had read your post, I probably would have agreed with you. But now I could not disagree more.
I agree with what you said in the quotations above. I cut it off mid sentence because this could be applied to anything in a relationship.
As for it being exclusive to the topic - Well. As I said I couldn't disagree more. As long as there is open communication about what is happening/changing in the relationship it should be fine.
I'm a guy. I just turned 26. My fiance is 21. We rarely do it. I work close to 50 hours a week and go to school. She works 35-44 hours per week and goes to school.
We are intimate/affectionate all the time but just not actually "doing it" very often at all.
We talked about it multiple times. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. We both want to but are just too tired/stressed.
So since we were both on the same page, we just do it whenever. Sometimes we won't for a few weeks, and then sometimes we will multiple times in one day.
We just stay open and maintain good communication for what we both want and need and it's worked well for us.
There is no cheating, infidelity, etc. No issues. No one is pining for someone else, there is no one else. We're so busy throughout the day that by the time we get a chance to sit down we pass right out.
But it seems like you are on the same page. If that is the cause then it works.
Something tells me in my friends cases there is more to it. In all fairness I get why someone else reading a lot of what I wrote would not understand why I am thinking this because there were a lot of other cues suggesting there are some problems and one side denial on her part.
Back when my youngest was born, I hemorrhaged severely and developed complications during the postpartum period as a result. I had a rough recovery. He already knew before I gave birth that it would be weeks before we'd have sex, but with the complications post-birth and a brand new baby and all that comes with those changes, sex was not a priority, nor on his mind as "poor me, I want some." kick rocks. And we talked about it, a lot. He was nothing but compassionate and empathetic and not once did he hint at sex, as he put the ball in my court, once I started feeling better. We still laughed together, cuddled, held hands, kissed, flirted, talked, and maintained our tight bond and connection. That's the dynamic we have. He knew he wasn't being "rejected" or that I suddenly lost interest in sex. There were circumstances that prevented those intimacies that we both enjoy. This is why context matters and not all men who go weeks or months without sex are sulking in the corner and throwing a pity party because they were turned down.
While I appreciate that you shared this you are being a bit disingenuous about the topic of this discussion. OP clearly stated that her friend's kids are not that small. I don't think any normal guy would complain after the complicated birth and would wait for a reasonable amount of time. And having an infant usually decreases men's need for sex. At least it did for me...
This is very different from not having sex for years, being cold to each other and not communicating about the lack of sex and being physically intimate. It is this particular situation that OP was commenting about...
This is very different from not having sex for years, being cold to each other and not communicating about the lack of sex and being physically intimate. It is this particular situation that OP was commenting about...
That was NEVER a part of the discussion. The only thing the woman said was an off-handed comment that she couldn't remember the last time they had sex.
I mean they could normally do it twice a day, and she could make that comment at a week and half out.
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Dude, that is your relationship, and if that is the dynamic you share, fine. You, however, don't get a say in how that dynamic works in other people's relationships. And no one here said a damn thing about sex being an unnecessary component of a relationship, only that some of us are not here for the "You should expect to be cheated on if you're not putting out on the regular" drivel. There's a stark difference between a sexless marriage spanning a long period of time where both parties have practically checked out of all but obligatory responsibilities, and less frequent sex by your standards. Even then, if these helpless men are all bent about their lack of sex, sit down and have a CTJ meeting, seek counseling, or leave the relationship.
You don't get to determine how other relationships function, or the nature of their dynamic with or without regular sex. It ain't up to you, and last I checked, you've shared a number of details here about your own marriage that make your pseudo words of wisdom ring hallow. You might want to check your own house before you start itching to critique others'.
Just a reminder ... this situation envolves a woman in a certain role and a man is certain role. It could be a man withhold sex and a woman waiting sex. It can work either way.
I laugh when people make comments like this as it screams projection and deniel of possible issues.
That fact that once I created this thread the first 2 pages were basically full negative of comments from other women which seemed to be definding that not having regular sex in a relationship was okay or worse ignoring the actually thread topic and focusing in on a joke I made with my freind .
I am super thankful for the men that finally chimed in because it is very clear there may be some differences between males and females on this topic.
I have no need to stick my head in the sand. If I want to talk about anything I will.
Other people always have the option of ignoring the converstaion too.
That was NEVER a part of the discussion. The only thing the woman said was an off-handed comment that she couldn't remember the last time they had sex.
I mean they could normally do it twice a day, and she could make that comment at a week and half out.
In you actually investing the time in to reading the other details provided you may have picked up on some of the other stuff. I realize now giving more details off the bat would have been more helpful.
OP, you might ask her in a helpful fashion, if they couldn't schedule a weekend getaway, with a babysitter or relative looking after the kids. Vacations and little getaways without the kids help keep the spark alive.
That is the approach I was thinking out.
Helpful, but not too pushy.
I think there other possible issues too.
I know she has put on a lot of weight after having kids and I am worried that body image issues are holding her back too. I had been though a phase like that and realize I was scewing myself over as my partner was not complaining ... but I was holding back because of the way I felt about myself.
I have been trying to encourage her to even take a few steps back from her family to spend some time taking care of herself. She obesses about the dumbest things and then has no time to take care of herself or spend time with her husband.
I always do appreciate when she takes me to the side and helps me open my eyes to the dumb or misguided things I am doing even when it is stuff I dont want to hear I appreciate it.
I have tried invited her to do stuff that involves being more active... but no luck.
I have been a parent a bit longer so I am hoping maybe she is just going though a phrase and will mellow out a bit soon.
No one is arguing that dry spells are great! dry spells should the norm!!
They are arguing that it is not a reason to cheat.
You work on the marriage, if it isn't fixable you leave. Proceed to bang all the peeps you want.
They are arguing for behaving with morals.
You can try and put the women down and say they must be frigid, but you have no basis for that, and it's passive-aggressive. Just because they disagree with you (as do I) means nothing about their sex lives.
We went through a dry spell, because my husband broke his pelvis, that was QUITE limiting, but certainly wouldn't lead to infidelity on my part.
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In you actually investing the time in to reading the other details provided you may have picked up on some of the other stuff. I realize now giving more details off the bat would have been more helpful.
C'mon at what page did you finally add pertinent details?!
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While I appreciate that you shared this you are being a bit disingenuous about the topic of this discussion. OP clearly stated that her friend's kids are not that small. I don't think any normal guy would complain after the complicated birth and would wait for a reasonable amount of time. And having an infant usually decreases men's need for sex. At least it did for me...
This is very different from not having sex for years, being cold to each other and not communicating about the lack of sex and being physically intimate. It is this particular situation that OP was commenting about...
The OP wasn't just referring to her friend's situation throughout this thread. That's what some of us have been getting it. And her narrative changes as the thread moves along from "my friend and her husband haven't had sex in a while" to "don't be shocked if your guy cheats if you're not having regular sex." So...which is it, is it just about her friend's scenario, and if it is, so what, not our concern, or was it just a jumping off to her overall point of "you should be having regular sex" without consideration for circumstances and context. Some of us have been saying that much since the get-go. There's a huge difference between a sexless marriage with a host of other issues and a strong marriage with occasional lulls and breaks for a variety of reasons. I've said this several times throughout this thread, and in the post you responded to.
But it seems like you are on the same page. If that is the cause then it works.
Something tells me in my friends cases there is more to it. In all fairness I get why someone else reading a lot of what I wrote would not understand why I am thinking this because there were a lot of other cues suggesting there are some problems and one side denial on her part.
I see what you mean.
If I could go back and tweak my post I would (I know I could but I'm at work and trying to keep my posts to a minimum.)
I do miss the days when she and I had the time and energy to go at it like rabbits. I literally felt like I was on crack the first 6 months of us being together.
Every once in a while when we have a chance to steal away.. I catch a glimpse of that and experience it again, although short lived.
I hate adulting.
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